conversations going nowhere

So after the debacle of last Thursday with MrAttorney.
I should have followed the advice of AM.
Instead I allowed the text messages to go back and forth over the weekend.

Him teasing and saying that he dropped off a hot chocolate for me with the concierge.
Me for a second thinking that he actually did.
Him telling me a should yell at the concierge if it wasn't there because it means he drank it.
Me realizing he was totally just pulling my leg.

Later on this week he checked on me (from being sick last weekend).
At first I thought I would just ignore him but then I caved a day later.
And it kind of led to this conversation.

You see I felt bad because his Grandfather passed away over the weekend.
And in my messed up way I want to be there for him.
Or at least offer my condolences.
And then he will say something like the above "almost as much fun as hanging with me in scars" (scars is slang for the crappy out of the city area I lived in previously).   

And I know I should ignore him.
I am focusing on moving on and filling my life with great things.
Because y'all are right...he is just stringing me along for some weird reason.
I obviously am letting him.
I was so good from September 8th until the end of November and I cracked a little when he reached out to me on my actual birthday.
And lets be real obviously some part of me hoping things had changed and he had come to the realization that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.
The reality is that isn't the case at all.  

living in a downtown world

Y'all my week has been nutty in the best possible way!
First on Monday.
As I figured I got a message from the first date fail the previous day.

Which is just weird.  I mean first you say you aren't that into me.
Then he basically questions/makes an accusatory statement about it.
I'm always perfectly nice and polite.
And I just re-iterated what our conversation was on Sunday.
I don't just go on first date sparks...it sometimes takes me a bit.
Anywho so at least that's done.

Monday night was the start of our winter book club with the girls.
We did this last year and had a great time.
This month's book selection, The Mountains Echoed by 

Pic from here

A lovely night of chicken curry and bubbly champagne.
These girls are awesome and it is fun to get together and discuss things other than just gossip lol.

Tuesday night I headed to the movies with Kai.
So awesome that there is a theatre less than a block from where we now live.
And it's great to have Kai living in the same building.
We of course went to go see my guilty pleasure of Catching Fire.

Pic from here

Loved it and a definite improvement over the first movie.
It more closely followed the book and the recast the cat.  I'm someone who is detail oriented and insanely bothered by the black and white cat in the first movie when the book clearly describes the cat as a ginger one!

Wednesday night was date number two with someone (read here if you missed it).
I'm a little hesitant because it has been two and a half weeks since our first date.
I was wondering if he actually was interested but on the actual date I find myself pleasantly surprised.
Time seems to fly by and I find myself really simply just enjoying myself.
He picked a fabulous place one of my new favs in the city Patria.

Pic from here

It is a Spanish Tapas styled restaurant and my favourite way to eat.
I love trying little bits of everything.
Not to mention here I was on a date with a smart and handsome man.

He always dresses really well which I find super attractive.
Wednesday night he was wearing a blue and white checked button up shirt with a navy blue cardigan with light blue pipping also buttoned up.
Such great style.
After our date he offered to drive me home (now that I'm a public transit taking kind of girl).
As he drove me up I only made things slightly awkward with the hug and no kiss yet.
We do have date three on the agenda for Sunday so fingers crossed.

Thursday night Val and I headed out for our traditional birthday dinner.
We picked The Grove which was also amazing!
I'm seriously having great luck with restaurants lately.

Pic from blogto

We opted to each do the five course tasting menu but actually split it so we ended up with a ten course tasting menu.  So we tried everything except two items on the menu.
And it was delicious!
Definitely on my list of new favs. 

Pic from here

Finally Friday was upon us and it was our second annual American Thanksgiving potluck at Laurel and her husband's place.
And we ate and laughed and gave thanks and just spent time together.
And it was the perfect end to a busy and fun week.

Pic from here

It is kind of funny us all living in a big city but still pulling together to celebrate.
Some of us are from here, some of us are from other cities in Toronto and some are from across the world.
Such a great group of friends I've made here.
I'm absolutely loving living downtown.

Here's how nothing changed

Sorry to keep you suspense.
Thursday.
I was so nervous I could barely sleep.
Trying to pick the most flattering of my non-flattering work clothes.

I was so so nervous and the day seemed to drag on until lunch.
And as I waited for MrAttorney in the lobby of my work building...butterflies.
He came around the corner handsome as ever.
Laughing and pulling me into him in a hello.

As as we giggled and began a walk to lunch it was less awkward than I thought.
Until 10 steps in we ran into someone who used to be another attorney's assistant.
And this awkward introduction moment of being asked if I was also an Attorney and the puzzled look on the ladies face when I said nope another profession.

We sat to have lunch.
Where it was like we didn't miss a beat.
Giggling and teasing each other.
And me being reminded of how handsome and funny he is.

He kept asking me what was new.
And asked about things I had done like Dallas and Ann Arbor trips.
He caught me up on his family and his life.
Asked me some advice on things.

And as we chatted and caught up I found myself realizing how much I missed him.
He made a comment about how his grandfather who is very ill and soon to pass away made him realize that "life was short"...and my hopeful heart pounded.
And as we made our way back to my office I asked him why he invited me out to lunch.
He said it was because it was my birthday and he missed me.
I joked that well he could check it off the list then.
And as I stalled uncomfortably outside my office he said do you think we should talk.
And I put it back on him I thought so if he wanted to.

And then I was up in my office in a blur.
Where was this going?
I had so many unanswered questions.
So with gusto I messaged him thanking him for luch and asking if we needed to talk.
His response "You want to talk?  As you typically say...it that what you want?"
I said yes.

Being the impatient girl that I am I practically insisted on doing so sooner rather than later.
And with that I found myself out to dinner with him across the street at a little sushi place.
When he saw me he made a comment about it being his lucky day seeing me twice.
And as we sat there eating sushi we reverted right back to our old selves.
Him eating the sashimi part off the top of the roll so I could eat the roll (too much fish on sushi is not my fav...he remembered so he did that).
And I found myself mumbling that I missed him and could you pass the soy sauce.
He said me too oh and I also need the soy sauce.

And so with that I launched into the fact that I missed him but I'm at a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship.
And he is in the exact same place.
He said he hasn't dated anyone since but filled his life with work/sports leagues/family stuff.
I told him I was dating.
He said well at this point really you could have had a boyfriend.
But really he just missed me and wanted to catch up.

And I was upset.
Y'all were right.
And with that we left the restaurant and as we stood outside in the cold neither of us wanting to leave.
He kissed me on the cheek I tried not to cry.

He offered to walk me a little ways towards my place.
Which turned into a side trip to his work so he could grab a bag and then we were in a taxi to my place.
Him leaning against me arm around me.
Me frustrated.

He dropped me off and got out to let me out of the taxi.
He pulled me towards him and briefly kissed me on the lips before pulling me in for a hug.
And with every fiber of me I didn't want him to leave.
He had to meet his parents though.

We briefly texted later that night.
I apologized for the situation.
He told me I had nothing to apologize about and that he always enjoys hearing from me.

The next morning I was full on fever sick so I stayed home from work.
He texted me first thing apologizing for not being able to meet me for a drink the night before and said "I really wanted to come" before asking how my night was.
He joked about bringing me a hot chocolate.
When I asked where it was he said he left it with my concierge and to yell at him if it wasn't there because it meant the concierge had drank it.

And we've been texting back and forth over the weekend.
But I need to stop.
Because really nothing has changed.

Fifth Date Bail

So after my insecure ranting earlier last week.
He did text me about his busy week and asked what my plans were for the weekend.
I agreed to a Sunday date and asked him what he had in mind.
He thought it was my turn to pick...and said he was expecting big things.

I confirmed Saturday night that we were still good to go for Sunday.
He was on his way to a wedding.
I was on my way to Laurel's husband's birthday party.

So I came up with a grand plan of doing my favourite things.
I made early dinner reservations at my fav little Italian place downtown.
And booked us tickets to Second City (Sketch Comedy just like SNL).
And planned for drinks at my fav drink place Cocktail Bar.

So in planning it all I even though I would pick him up.
It's getting colder here and being a Sunday night I knew I wouldn't be drinking.
So around 1pm Sunday I text him "just wanted to touch base about tonight...any way you could be ready for 445?  I mean since you live in the suburbs and all we need a little extra time to make it to the reservation on time ;)" (I joke that he lives in the suburbs though he really just lives "uptown".
He immediately called me.
AND...he wanted to push plans back until 8ish because he got called into work.  He was literally on his way to a 2pm meeting and didn't think he would be ready to go until after 7:30.

Of course I plastered a fake smile on my face and said it was no big deal and reservations could be changed.
He said he felt bad and wanted to know what I planned.  I told him no worried because I didn't want him to feel bad because this was out of his control.  And I would let him know what we could do.
Did I mention the tickets to Second City are nonrefundable or exchangeable?
So I sat there for a minute...partly frustrated and partly annoyed.

Then I texted him back saying "Hey let's just reschedule for another night if that's cool.  Good luck at work today!"  I decided rather than eat the cost of the tickets I would go with my girlfriend S instead.
His response "Ok...Sorry again, hopefully I didn't upset you.  This rarely happens but every once in a while they call on us during the weekend."
My response "I understand it's important."
His response "Ok thanks".

And I went off on my "date night" with S.
We had a great time but I found myself glancing at my phone wondering if he would text or call.
And nada...haven't heard from him since Sunday afternoon.
And I just keep coming back to maybe he's just not that into me.
That's why you date I guess.
To see if you're compatible.
To see what the other person is like.
This is what he is like...

when you sort of want to reply

So what do you do when you kind of want to reply.
Did y'all think it was over when I wrote about the latest message here?
Alas this morning from MrAttorney...(I also left the belt portion of the message in there from before).

What's weird is that I sort of want to text him back.
I haven't thus far.
I haven't even spoken to him since here.
But for some reason I kind of want to text him.
I don't know what I would say...

The funny thing (that Taylor also laughed about)...
Neither one of those dates are actually my birthday.
Go figure.

ding!

Pic from here

Friday night and I've busied myself going through things and really trying to get rid of stuff I don't need.
How did I accumulate all of this in just over two years?!
So I'm just minding my business when...ding!

You guessed it.
MrAttorney...
"Hey I was cleaning up my place believe it or not and there's a belt.
Did you want your belt?"

I guess this is the point where I'm supposed to step it up and be a little mean, right AccidentallyMe?
Only why am I just hurt and bothered.
WHY message me if you don't want to be with me?
Every time I think I for sure have gotten to the point where I definitely won't hear from him...
Ding!

PS and tomorrow I will fill you in on how out of no where guys are just coming out of the woodwork...I'll give you a hint...Mr from this past February/March...seriously

sucker

Pic from here

So I'm just getting ready to go out tonight for Laurel's birthday.
Unfortunately the food truck festival we were going to is rained out!
So we have a back plan (that may be MrAttorneys latest recommendation to me...well latest as before we stopped hanging out)...fingers crossed that I don't see him.

Especially since he texted me this afternoon.
To say "found these".
And by these he meant a bottle of Vitamin C and Zinc I had brought him 3 months ago when he was sick.
Then when I got sick a month later he couldn't find them among his packed boxes from moving.
I teased him that he always lost things.
Well I guess he eventually found them.
And texted me a pic.
Seriously what the heck am I supposed to do with that?
(I didn't respond in case you're wondering).

And in other whattheheck news today.
Remember MrDentalSurgeon from last year.
It totally fizzled out at the end of last summer.
He texted me today, "Que pasa Miss Teagan.  How have you been ? :)"
What the heck is going on with my life?

Oh and I have a date Thursday.
My life is total chaos!

the messages

Pic from here

So yesterday I was minding my own business.
Got a chance to catch up with Taylor and her beautiful daughter on FaceTime.
Then schlepped through some dating website communication.

And at 11:49 PING.
Oh I think to myself ...it must K or Will or Taylor.
And when I glanced down.
It was MrAttorney.

He wrote...
"hey sorry I know I'm not supposed to be messaging you but I still have your pillow cases.  Do you want them?"

First, the explanation of him apologizing about not supposed to be messaging me.
I made that rule after last Sunday's conversation (read here if you missed it) because I get sucked back in.  So it's better that we simply do not talk.
As far as I'm concerned he has essentially told me he isn't interested in a relationship so I'm trying my best to move on and things like this do NOT help.

Second, he actually has a full sheet set of mine (not just pillowcases) because when his brother came to visit a few weeks back I lent him my air mattress and a sheet set because I knew he wouldn't be that organized.
So no, I don't want it back because I cannot seem him.  I know I will get butterflies and want to spend time with him and one thing will lead to another and before you know it will turn into a sleepover like a few Sundays ago.

Then he has to go and follow it up a few minutes later PING!
With a "I hope you had fun at the Michigan game and I hope you are doing well".
Seriously?!?!??!
These messages are killing me.

Now to make matters even more confusing I keep getting different pieces of advice.
Will says, simply don't respond because he is not ready (to change/be in a relationship) based on those texts.
My guy friend from high school says I should respond with "I did.  Keep the pillow cases".
Then a work colleague says maybe he is trying to keep the window of communication open because he is actually interested in me and I shouldn't close down that opportunity if I care about him (which I do).

So could someone please tell me which the bloody hell is it?

first and last

I wish time would go by...
so that MrAttorney wasn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
I would much prefer to wake up and wonder what I should have for breakfast...

I wish he was not the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.
From now on I'm going to try and think of something better like Ryan Gosling.
Whom I probably have as much of a chance of having a serious relationship with lol.

Pic from here

waiting.

So this morning the first random thing was this auto generated email about an e-money transfer that was from a few weeks back from MrAttorney.
Long story short I don't pay the extra bank fees to be able to accept email money transfers.
So he had sent me one and then ended up giving me a cheque instead.

Of course this morning when I woke up I saw an email in my inbox from MrAttorney and my heart started beating faster...only it was the auto generated e-transfer announcement thing.
Last night I went over to Kai's house (one of my girl friends who was also a bridesmaid in Laurel's wedding) and we went out but both of us weren't feeling it.

She had her heart broken weeks before I did.
So she sympathized with the email this morning.
Then we headed out to brunch and at 10:34am my phone rang.
Only I missed the call.
Then MrAttorney texted, "can you please gimme a shout when you can".

Easy Restaurant...for an easy brunch :)

After consulting with Kai I went with a "just out for brunch...what's up?
And nothing.
So a few hours later I called him....he answered and let me know he was out to brunch with his family.

So now I'm just waiting for him to call back.
Only he is randomly texting me about this brunch place.
And I'm just sitting here waiting...

Control+Z

Pic from here

I hate those moments of gut checking panic.
The one where if my life was a word document I would frantically hit control+Z.
I hate that feeling.
That I made a huge mistake and maybe should go back to what was.
Only because right about now I feel so awful!

it's been a long weekend

So I've been trying to keep myself distracted.
Friday night I headed out to see B's new place with the rest of the Canada Crew.
We headed over to a pub for some drinks and food.
I'm going to pretend I wasn't totally distracted and thinking about MrAttorney especially when he texted and called.
I may have texted him back that night.

Then Saturday I woke up early to help my friend Kay move downtown.
What a bitter pill jealousy is to swallow.
I wish I was moving downtown.
And again the volley of texts back and forth between MrAttorney and myself is almost comical.

Moving is never this fun!

It is the second time I helped someone move in the last two months.
The first time was MrAttorney.
It always blows my mind because the last 15% of stuff out of a place is the WORST to move.
And both MrAttorney and Kay kind of aren't the most organized people.

Anywho I ended up calling B in for re-enforcement due to Kay's miscalculation of only 3 boxes and a rack of clothes became my SUV filled to the max.
After we moved her in she took us for DimSum.

One of my fav places in the city for dim sum...totally ornate and so fun!  Also going to ignore that I found out about this place from going with MrAttorney.  But it literally is across the street from Kay's new apartment.

And then made to order cookies...at The Red Bench.
Kind of like the Marble Slab Ice cream place where you pick the base and then the mix ins.
Only they make hot yummy mini cookies!!!
My new fav place for dessert.



And I'm trying to be upbeat and my usual self but I know I'm just kind of sad.
And my friends see it.
Kay told me "you need to go no contact on his ass!" 
I know this is the right thing to do but boy am I struggling.

Here I go to trying to make the second half of this long weekend a bit better than the first half.
Or at least try to distract myself...

day drunk

I got home just about a half hour ago.
From a summer day with no plans to getting day drunk.
So I got up this morning and it was rainy and dreary.

I headed to Mississauga (a suburb just west of Toronto) to help out one of the girls.
I sat on a food panel for her sampling 21 veggie burgers and rating them.
She works in a food lab for a major grocery chain here.

After that MrAttorney suggested I come hang out for a bit.
I went past his new condo and we decided to head to this patio for a drink and some snacks.
His cousin is visiting/living with him after just having completed his MBA in the UK.
And then the sun came out and it was perfect patio weather.

Pic form here

And before I knew it one pitcher of sangria turned into two pitchers of sangria.
And just like that I was day drunk.
MrAttorney's cousin suggested we make sandwiches so then there we were in the grocery store trying to figure out the bread slicer machine.

And after a sandwich we all decided to have naps.
Well there was a little less sleeping in MrAttorney's room.
And yes we had more of a conversation as well.

He doesn't understand why he can't have more time.
He said he moves slow.
He wants something between seeing each other and official.
He says we are still getting to know each other.
He said he loves spending time with me and misses me when we aren't together but just isn't ready.
And I just don't know what to do with that.
So I just get day drunk and try to block out that he will probably break my heart.
And yes for the record I'm probably being a little dramatic.

Kitchen Nightmares

It's a week in Canada where we recognize Nurses and all the hard work that they do.
So I decided to do something I always swear I won't...bake.
I'm no Taylor or SoMidwestern
They are basically Martha Stewart but cooler, younger and prettier.

Every time I bake I usually always wonder why.
It always costs a ton by the time I pick up ingredients.
It always takes a ton of time where I'm generally frustrated or burn myself etc.
It always makes a huge mess.

Seriously look at this ridiculousness of a mess (also this is basically my entire counter space...because my condo is teeny!)

One of my nurses loves Nutella and I had come across this recipe here.
This is what I was trying to make.

Pic from here

4.5 hours later.
And I had exactly 5 out of 48 cookies that weren't completely atrocious.
Seriously all that work to make 5 cookies.

So annoyed.
I followed the recipe to the letter.
I even browned butter for the first time in my life!
And I didn't even get a chance to eat one.

Next time I'm buying a dessert from Nadege.
Like I did for January bookclub.

Nadege's Salted Caramel Tart...aka AMAZINGNESS

Sigh

PS the post was basically a forced distraction ...I haven't heard from MrAttorney since Monday and I can't help but think of the movie He's Just Not That Into You

last email...I hope

Pic from here

So on Tuesday night I got this follow up email...
Oh and I'll include my thoughts/responses as I read this...

MrRealtor

	Apr 30 (1 day ago)
to Teagan

Teagan,

Don’t worry, this is the last you will hear from me, but before I say goodbye I have some final words for you.

(Gosh I kind of hope so because this is becoming simply ridiculous).

In receiving my package back the other day, I am left feeling disappointed, hurt, and confused.  I delivered that package over a month and a half ago and received it back from you a few days ago. Why after 4 months of saying nothing did you decide to mail back my letter and gift without any words from you? If you’ve chosen to be silent for so long, why even bother sending the package back?

(Ummm well to be honest it sat in my front hall closet...and by the time I got around the post office it had sat there for about 2.5 weeks...because really who goes to a post office AND because I couldn't just mark RETURN TO SENDER because you had delivered it to my condo you PSYCHO!)  We haven't spoken since January! (here)  So why 2.5 months later would you MAIL me a package (here) after sending me flowers (here)

In my several attempts to communicate with you over the past few months, I have finally come to realize my efforts are futile.  It saddens me that you can be so ruthless and not even give me the courtesy of an explanation as to why you wanted to end things between us.  Ummm not sure how I"m ruthless (then I goggled ruthless just to check and according to Merriam-Webster  ": having no pity : merciless, cruel <a ruthless tyrant>"  And ummm hello we met up TWICE in person to discuss why it wasn't working and ONCE after that we had a phone discussion where I explained why it wasn't working but apparently this was not giving him the courtesy of an explanation...

I feel foolish for opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings with you this whole time, all the while being ignored like I never meant anything to you. I feel foolish for even sending this email, but realize that this is who I am and what I need to do, and that is to let you know how I feel. That is and was the difference between you and I all along. I opened up, you never did.  It’s funny how in the end the one who opens up gets the short end of the stick, looks the fool, and gets hurt.

You are not the person I believed you to be. You have no compassion for other’s feelings. This line really irks me because I don't believe that I'm not compassionate. I have been nothing but a good, decent man who respected you and cared deeply for you.  Ummm I beg to differ ie. leaving me stranded at an airport at 1:30am when you said you were to pick me up....thats not really respectful nor caring. I never deserved the way you cut me off like that. But, maybe I should have expected it as you made me aware of your past relationships and how they too were cut off abruptly.  He didn't really know a lot about my past...he is reaching here.  It’s obvious you have issues with trust and opening up, and in the end this is your demise. Wow that a jerky comment... really my demise?!  WTF.  I just never thought you would have done the same thing to me. Yet another foolish thought of mine.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in life. I hope you find what you’re looking for.  But just know that you have thrown away something very special. I am not perfect and never claimed to be when we dated. I made mistakes and bad judgement calls and admitted to them. However, despite my faults, I know I am a man with a big heart and a lot of love to give, none of which you deserve after the way you cut me off.  I'm kind of glad you think I don't "deserve you".

Regards,

MrRealtor

And that my friends is a nutso email.

when you return a package...

Pic from here

This is totally ironic.
Especially given my post yesterday about being lonely.
So I finally got my butt to the post office and returned that package that I told you about here.
And on Monday the following email popped into my inbox.

MrRealtor

	Apr 29 (2 days ago)
to Teagan

Hi,

I received my returned package from you with mixed emotions the other day.

I would have hoped to get some sort of a response but alas just my gift and letter returned with no explanation from you. Doesn’t even look like you opened it.

I just want to know why Teagan…why the cut off with no explanation...please if anything just give me that closure.

Missing you,

MrRealtor

So of course I didn't respond...because I mean ...really?!

And this wasn't the final email...I got another one last night...and it's a doozy (I will share in my next post of course).

Can I also mention that for work I'm at the largest tradeshow of Toronto area Realtors?!  I didn't see him today but I'm totally panicked that I'm going to see him tomorrow....I'll keep you posted.

and it happened again...

minding my own business
after putting another $2000 into my vehicle
and four days later
this happened...

sigh...