conversations going nowhere

So after the debacle of last Thursday with MrAttorney.
I should have followed the advice of AM.
Instead I allowed the text messages to go back and forth over the weekend.

Him teasing and saying that he dropped off a hot chocolate for me with the concierge.
Me for a second thinking that he actually did.
Him telling me a should yell at the concierge if it wasn't there because it means he drank it.
Me realizing he was totally just pulling my leg.

Later on this week he checked on me (from being sick last weekend).
At first I thought I would just ignore him but then I caved a day later.
And it kind of led to this conversation.

You see I felt bad because his Grandfather passed away over the weekend.
And in my messed up way I want to be there for him.
Or at least offer my condolences.
And then he will say something like the above "almost as much fun as hanging with me in scars" (scars is slang for the crappy out of the city area I lived in previously).   

And I know I should ignore him.
I am focusing on moving on and filling my life with great things.
Because y'all are right...he is just stringing me along for some weird reason.
I obviously am letting him.
I was so good from September 8th until the end of November and I cracked a little when he reached out to me on my actual birthday.
And lets be real obviously some part of me hoping things had changed and he had come to the realization that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.
The reality is that isn't the case at all.  

Here's how nothing changed

Sorry to keep you suspense.
Thursday.
I was so nervous I could barely sleep.
Trying to pick the most flattering of my non-flattering work clothes.

I was so so nervous and the day seemed to drag on until lunch.
And as I waited for MrAttorney in the lobby of my work building...butterflies.
He came around the corner handsome as ever.
Laughing and pulling me into him in a hello.

As as we giggled and began a walk to lunch it was less awkward than I thought.
Until 10 steps in we ran into someone who used to be another attorney's assistant.
And this awkward introduction moment of being asked if I was also an Attorney and the puzzled look on the ladies face when I said nope another profession.

We sat to have lunch.
Where it was like we didn't miss a beat.
Giggling and teasing each other.
And me being reminded of how handsome and funny he is.

He kept asking me what was new.
And asked about things I had done like Dallas and Ann Arbor trips.
He caught me up on his family and his life.
Asked me some advice on things.

And as we chatted and caught up I found myself realizing how much I missed him.
He made a comment about how his grandfather who is very ill and soon to pass away made him realize that "life was short"...and my hopeful heart pounded.
And as we made our way back to my office I asked him why he invited me out to lunch.
He said it was because it was my birthday and he missed me.
I joked that well he could check it off the list then.
And as I stalled uncomfortably outside my office he said do you think we should talk.
And I put it back on him I thought so if he wanted to.

And then I was up in my office in a blur.
Where was this going?
I had so many unanswered questions.
So with gusto I messaged him thanking him for luch and asking if we needed to talk.
His response "You want to talk?  As you typically say...it that what you want?"
I said yes.

Being the impatient girl that I am I practically insisted on doing so sooner rather than later.
And with that I found myself out to dinner with him across the street at a little sushi place.
When he saw me he made a comment about it being his lucky day seeing me twice.
And as we sat there eating sushi we reverted right back to our old selves.
Him eating the sashimi part off the top of the roll so I could eat the roll (too much fish on sushi is not my fav...he remembered so he did that).
And I found myself mumbling that I missed him and could you pass the soy sauce.
He said me too oh and I also need the soy sauce.

And so with that I launched into the fact that I missed him but I'm at a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship.
And he is in the exact same place.
He said he hasn't dated anyone since but filled his life with work/sports leagues/family stuff.
I told him I was dating.
He said well at this point really you could have had a boyfriend.
But really he just missed me and wanted to catch up.

And I was upset.
Y'all were right.
And with that we left the restaurant and as we stood outside in the cold neither of us wanting to leave.
He kissed me on the cheek I tried not to cry.

He offered to walk me a little ways towards my place.
Which turned into a side trip to his work so he could grab a bag and then we were in a taxi to my place.
Him leaning against me arm around me.
Me frustrated.

He dropped me off and got out to let me out of the taxi.
He pulled me towards him and briefly kissed me on the lips before pulling me in for a hug.
And with every fiber of me I didn't want him to leave.
He had to meet his parents though.

We briefly texted later that night.
I apologized for the situation.
He told me I had nothing to apologize about and that he always enjoys hearing from me.

The next morning I was full on fever sick so I stayed home from work.
He texted me first thing apologizing for not being able to meet me for a drink the night before and said "I really wanted to come" before asking how my night was.
He joked about bringing me a hot chocolate.
When I asked where it was he said he left it with my concierge and to yell at him if it wasn't there because it meant the concierge had drank it.

And we've been texting back and forth over the weekend.
But I need to stop.
Because really nothing has changed.

Blast from the not so recent past...

So yesterday was my birthday.
And it was good.
Usually I struggle and freak out and have just the most difficult time on my birthday.
Not the whole age thing but usually bad staff happens on or around my birthday (hence the Birthday Curse).

It's no secret that I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to stop thinking about MrAttorney.
Well I hadn't heard from him since this last message.
But I have been thinking if he only reaches out one more time then I will respond.

So yesterday it came as a "Hey happy birthday.  Hope all is well with you."
To which I replied "Thanks.  How are things with you?"
And then he called but I was busy getting Sushi with Kai for my birthday dinner.
Kai is one of the Canada crew who now just so happens to live on the 19th floor (I live on the 20th of the new downtown place).

So I go this text "Things are pretty good.  Just tried calling you.  Doing anything fun for your birthday?"
And I panicked about how to respond or what to do.
So I waited until today.
And with a few casual text messages exchanged it happened...
He asked "Would you be interested in grabbing a coffee or bite?"
And in my hesitation he wrote again "Crickets crickets...haha".

So I have lunch plans tomorrow with him.
And I'm kind of flipping out about it.
Holy moly what did I get myself into.
I'm probably making a big deal about nothing.
Maybe he just wants to catch up.
Maybe.

I find myself wondering...what will it be like.
Will we slip back into the banter we had before?
Will it be awkward?
Will he have changed his mind?
Will he have missed me?
Will things be the exact same?
Will he now want to move forward in some way?
Or is he just curious how things have been for me?
Like he said before he "cares about me".
I'm nervous and hopeful...

Pic from here

when you sort of want to reply

So what do you do when you kind of want to reply.
Did y'all think it was over when I wrote about the latest message here?
Alas this morning from MrAttorney...(I also left the belt portion of the message in there from before).

What's weird is that I sort of want to text him back.
I haven't thus far.
I haven't even spoken to him since here.
But for some reason I kind of want to text him.
I don't know what I would say...

The funny thing (that Taylor also laughed about)...
Neither one of those dates are actually my birthday.
Go figure.

ding!

Pic from here

Friday night and I've busied myself going through things and really trying to get rid of stuff I don't need.
How did I accumulate all of this in just over two years?!
So I'm just minding my business when...ding!

You guessed it.
MrAttorney...
"Hey I was cleaning up my place believe it or not and there's a belt.
Did you want your belt?"

I guess this is the point where I'm supposed to step it up and be a little mean, right AccidentallyMe?
Only why am I just hurt and bothered.
WHY message me if you don't want to be with me?
Every time I think I for sure have gotten to the point where I definitely won't hear from him...
Ding!

PS and tomorrow I will fill you in on how out of no where guys are just coming out of the woodwork...I'll give you a hint...Mr from this past February/March...seriously

sucker

Pic from here

So I'm just getting ready to go out tonight for Laurel's birthday.
Unfortunately the food truck festival we were going to is rained out!
So we have a back plan (that may be MrAttorneys latest recommendation to me...well latest as before we stopped hanging out)...fingers crossed that I don't see him.

Especially since he texted me this afternoon.
To say "found these".
And by these he meant a bottle of Vitamin C and Zinc I had brought him 3 months ago when he was sick.
Then when I got sick a month later he couldn't find them among his packed boxes from moving.
I teased him that he always lost things.
Well I guess he eventually found them.
And texted me a pic.
Seriously what the heck am I supposed to do with that?
(I didn't respond in case you're wondering).

And in other whattheheck news today.
Remember MrDentalSurgeon from last year.
It totally fizzled out at the end of last summer.
He texted me today, "Que pasa Miss Teagan.  How have you been ? :)"
What the heck is going on with my life?

Oh and I have a date Thursday.
My life is total chaos!

the messages

Pic from here

So yesterday I was minding my own business.
Got a chance to catch up with Taylor and her beautiful daughter on FaceTime.
Then schlepped through some dating website communication.

And at 11:49 PING.
Oh I think to myself ...it must K or Will or Taylor.
And when I glanced down.
It was MrAttorney.

He wrote...
"hey sorry I know I'm not supposed to be messaging you but I still have your pillow cases.  Do you want them?"

First, the explanation of him apologizing about not supposed to be messaging me.
I made that rule after last Sunday's conversation (read here if you missed it) because I get sucked back in.  So it's better that we simply do not talk.
As far as I'm concerned he has essentially told me he isn't interested in a relationship so I'm trying my best to move on and things like this do NOT help.

Second, he actually has a full sheet set of mine (not just pillowcases) because when his brother came to visit a few weeks back I lent him my air mattress and a sheet set because I knew he wouldn't be that organized.
So no, I don't want it back because I cannot seem him.  I know I will get butterflies and want to spend time with him and one thing will lead to another and before you know it will turn into a sleepover like a few Sundays ago.

Then he has to go and follow it up a few minutes later PING!
With a "I hope you had fun at the Michigan game and I hope you are doing well".
Seriously?!?!??!
These messages are killing me.

Now to make matters even more confusing I keep getting different pieces of advice.
Will says, simply don't respond because he is not ready (to change/be in a relationship) based on those texts.
My guy friend from high school says I should respond with "I did.  Keep the pillow cases".
Then a work colleague says maybe he is trying to keep the window of communication open because he is actually interested in me and I shouldn't close down that opportunity if I care about him (which I do).

So could someone please tell me which the bloody hell is it?

first and last

I wish time would go by...
so that MrAttorney wasn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
I would much prefer to wake up and wonder what I should have for breakfast...

I wish he was not the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.
From now on I'm going to try and think of something better like Ryan Gosling.
Whom I probably have as much of a chance of having a serious relationship with lol.

Pic from here

the call

Pic from here

So MrAttorney called back last night.
Because he missed the sound of my voice.
And he missed me.

First he filled the conversation about something that was bothering him about his life.
Then the focus returned to what was at hand.
The giant pink elephant in the room.

I told him I couldn't do this.
Simply put...I like him and I want to be in a relationship.
Only I cannot make that decision for him.
And he still doesn't know.

I told him I missed him a ton.
This past week was quite difficult.
He said he felt the same.
I said maybe that means something.

So after talking for about an hour or so.
I told him he needs to make up his mind.
And at the end of the conversation I said, "Goodbye MrAttorney." 
And he goes, "I'll talk to you soon".
I said "Bye" and hung up the phone...

waiting.

So this morning the first random thing was this auto generated email about an e-money transfer that was from a few weeks back from MrAttorney.
Long story short I don't pay the extra bank fees to be able to accept email money transfers.
So he had sent me one and then ended up giving me a cheque instead.

Of course this morning when I woke up I saw an email in my inbox from MrAttorney and my heart started beating faster...only it was the auto generated e-transfer announcement thing.
Last night I went over to Kai's house (one of my girl friends who was also a bridesmaid in Laurel's wedding) and we went out but both of us weren't feeling it.

She had her heart broken weeks before I did.
So she sympathized with the email this morning.
Then we headed out to brunch and at 10:34am my phone rang.
Only I missed the call.
Then MrAttorney texted, "can you please gimme a shout when you can".

Easy Restaurant...for an easy brunch :)

After consulting with Kai I went with a "just out for brunch...what's up?
And nothing.
So a few hours later I called him....he answered and let me know he was out to brunch with his family.

So now I'm just waiting for him to call back.
Only he is randomly texting me about this brunch place.
And I'm just sitting here waiting...

One and a half

Pic from here

When you do the things you do not want to do.
For the long term benefit...
Boy oh boy does the short term suck.

Monday night I was just so wiped I went to bed at 9:30 only to awaken at 2am in a cold sweat.
Nothing that 2 chapters in my current book wouldn't fix.
Though I woke up tired I still slept.

Last night I went to bed well intentioned and at a more reasonable time of 11pm.
Only I woke up at 3:30 and at 4:54 (now) I realize it is futile and may as well drag myself out of bed.
I had the STRANGEST dream about tiger sharks.
I was explaining to a stranger (who happened to look exactly like one of my great friends from Austin) that I was afraid of tiger sharks.
Only we were in Thailand and then taking helicopters overs the ocean to see/prove that there were hundreds of tiger sharks swimming there.

Pic from here

If any one is a dream decoder please let me know what the heck that means because that is seriously so random.
The worst part is the first thing that I think when I wake up is to tell MrAttorney about this ridiculous dream...mainly because it would make him laugh.

I'm exhausted.
And sad.
And drained.
One and a half nights down...how many more to go until it just doesn't hurt as much?
F*cking Tiger Sharks!

Pic from here

Maybe I'm a Masochist

So y'all despite all your reservations...
I went to the CNE with MrAttorney.
(Recall this is like the Texas State Fair only in Toronto).
We both had never been.

Pic from here 

It had been a week since I'd seen him.
Where dinner turned into a sleepover which turned into me cracking a joke about how it was the longest most drawn out breakup in history.
Only we immediately fell back into the pattern of 20-30 emails/text/etc.

So we head to the CNE.
Where there are such great things as fried butter (I believe the Texas State Fair originated this).

Pic from here

To the Epic Burger stand that got shut down due a whole lot of food poisoning from the Canadian rip off of  the Cronut Burger.

Pic from here

I wore a white dress.
Heck it was Labour Day!
Last chance to sport white.
He commented that I was the classiest looking woman at the CNE.

Pic from here

We wandered around first sampling such things as Korean Tacos, Curly Fries, Fresh Squeezed Lemonade and Funnel Cakes (I know not very adventurous but all the deep fried weird stuff didn't sound that appealing.
We headed to watch my favourite part Superdogs (basically a dog show with racing, Frisbee catching)...the type of things that draws the families.

Pic from here

My favourite part was the wine pavillion that had a three piece string band...triplet??? Is there a name for that?
And we sat there and legit made a PRO CON list.
I'll spare you the details but PRO list was 12 items long.
The CON list was one item "the fact that he was unsure/not ready".

And we walked around and as our conversation went round and round as it usually does.
And finally I said, "I can't anymore MrAttorney.  It's been five months and in my experience I don't know usually means no".
His response was "you've never "not known" ever before?"
And I replied, "yup but when I didn't know it was because I didn't really like the person for whatever reason."

And as we walked out of the CNE earlier than expected...no fireworks for this girl...in many aspects.
He kept trying to put his arm around me and pull me into him and grab my hand.
And each time I would pull away and say "you're making this really difficult".

We finally arrived at my car (I parked at his condo which is only a short walk from the CNE).
And he kept saying "I want you to know how much I like you and how much I care about you.
My reply, "MrAttorney it does not matter."
I started to cry (and pulled my sunglasses on to make it not so obvious).
He tried to hug and kiss me on the check and I said "no you do not get to make me cry and then try to comfort me".

He asked me to text him when I got home.
I said "no...this is it...no calls/no texts/ no emails...it's too hard for me".
And with that I hopped into my car and drove off with a sad little wave in response to his wave goodbye.
And promptly sobbed the entire drive home.
And that is how MrAttorney and I broke up.

And then he sent me 10 text message pictures of our afternoon at the state fair.

it's been a long weekend

So I've been trying to keep myself distracted.
Friday night I headed out to see B's new place with the rest of the Canada Crew.
We headed over to a pub for some drinks and food.
I'm going to pretend I wasn't totally distracted and thinking about MrAttorney especially when he texted and called.
I may have texted him back that night.

Then Saturday I woke up early to help my friend Kay move downtown.
What a bitter pill jealousy is to swallow.
I wish I was moving downtown.
And again the volley of texts back and forth between MrAttorney and myself is almost comical.

Moving is never this fun!

It is the second time I helped someone move in the last two months.
The first time was MrAttorney.
It always blows my mind because the last 15% of stuff out of a place is the WORST to move.
And both MrAttorney and Kay kind of aren't the most organized people.

Anywho I ended up calling B in for re-enforcement due to Kay's miscalculation of only 3 boxes and a rack of clothes became my SUV filled to the max.
After we moved her in she took us for DimSum.

One of my fav places in the city for dim sum...totally ornate and so fun!  Also going to ignore that I found out about this place from going with MrAttorney.  But it literally is across the street from Kay's new apartment.

And then made to order cookies...at The Red Bench.
Kind of like the Marble Slab Ice cream place where you pick the base and then the mix ins.
Only they make hot yummy mini cookies!!!
My new fav place for dessert.



And I'm trying to be upbeat and my usual self but I know I'm just kind of sad.
And my friends see it.
Kay told me "you need to go no contact on his ass!" 
I know this is the right thing to do but boy am I struggling.

Here I go to trying to make the second half of this long weekend a bit better than the first half.
Or at least try to distract myself...

Things I should not do

Pic from here

So after I missed a call from him last night at 11:30pm (maybe on purpose).
Today I woke up and decided to email MrAttorney.
SO I quickly wrote out something along the lines of ' hey if you're texting or calling me out of pity/remorse/guilt please don't'.
And in my flurry of trying to get it out and hit send quickly I sent it... to his work email.
Oops.

I had to then text him to apologize (so he could delete it if he wanted).
His response was basically "I am NOT doing anything out of pity, remorse or guilt.  I like hanging out with you and I always have an awesome time with you.  This is probably a conversation best done in person.  Anyways how is your morning going?"
Lol I mean really???

And just like that of course we end up emailing back and forth all day on a variety of random topics like we usually do.
All the things that I probably shouldn't do.
It stinks and I should follow all of your advice so why is that do darn hard?
I know I need to follow the advice given to me after yesterdays post...
Y'all I suck!

Not your concern

Pic from here

How I return to writing in my blog.
When I'm having a rough patch.
And feel lost.
And sad.

And just hoping that writing it down gets it out of my head a little.
How do I even explain all that has happened.
It would be impossible (darn I knew I should have kept up blogging).
So let's see.

Its been 4.5 months of a (non) relationship with MrAttorney.
And he's not ready.
And after 2 weeks of hashing it out in conversations.
I'm reluctantly pulling the plug.

After a Sunday of a dinner and conversations.
Of snippets of him saying...
"I'm probably making a huge mistake"
"You are the one person I have felt the most connection with ever"
"When I met you I wasn't looking for a relationship"
"I'm not sure I can give you enough"

Only I thought he already was giving me enough (minus the title).
I was so content with our adventures.
I was so content with the amount of time we spent together.
And y'all when we spend time together it flies.
And we were spending a lot of time together.
And we both can't get enough.
And we stretch it out to the very last minute.

Today the 30 or so back and forth emails first revolved around going to the CNE.
It is essentially like the Texas State Fair only in Toronto.
I've never been and neither has he.

And though we have essentially broken up a few times.
He still wanted to go with me.
And I (though I know I SHOULD NOT) want to go with him.
Only he goes and says "Well I'd love to go with you.  I know we'd have a good time.  Do you want to go?"
I told him I would think about it.

And before I knew it we were out for an afternoon coffee 
(our work buildings are super close).
Then I got flustered because its just round and round and he asked if he could hug me when we got up to go.
So I said "this is kind of awkward" as I gave him an awkward hug.
And I was clearly upset.

To come back up to my office to find an email from him...
"I hope you're not angry with me.  I wasn't trying to get you upset".
My response "Don't worry about me I"m good"
He wrote, "Please stop saying that.  I do worry about you.  Can't help it".

My response... "Thank you but I'm really not your concern".
F.

day drunk

I got home just about a half hour ago.
From a summer day with no plans to getting day drunk.
So I got up this morning and it was rainy and dreary.

I headed to Mississauga (a suburb just west of Toronto) to help out one of the girls.
I sat on a food panel for her sampling 21 veggie burgers and rating them.
She works in a food lab for a major grocery chain here.

After that MrAttorney suggested I come hang out for a bit.
I went past his new condo and we decided to head to this patio for a drink and some snacks.
His cousin is visiting/living with him after just having completed his MBA in the UK.
And then the sun came out and it was perfect patio weather.

Pic form here

And before I knew it one pitcher of sangria turned into two pitchers of sangria.
And just like that I was day drunk.
MrAttorney's cousin suggested we make sandwiches so then there we were in the grocery store trying to figure out the bread slicer machine.

And after a sandwich we all decided to have naps.
Well there was a little less sleeping in MrAttorney's room.
And yes we had more of a conversation as well.

He doesn't understand why he can't have more time.
He said he moves slow.
He wants something between seeing each other and official.
He says we are still getting to know each other.
He said he loves spending time with me and misses me when we aren't together but just isn't ready.
And I just don't know what to do with that.
So I just get day drunk and try to block out that he will probably break my heart.
And yes for the record I'm probably being a little dramatic.

oh hey...

Pic from here

oh hey,
so ummm yeah where have I been?
Between crushing hard on MrAttorney falling if you will.
And caught up in the wedding plans of Laurel (her wedding is in two weeks).
And chilling with the girls.
I've simply been busy doing instead of writing.

But to return back to the vent.
This week I wanted to make things official with MrAttorney.
So I pretty much said, 'hey I don't want to be "seeing you" or "dating you" I want to be your girlfriend".
Only...

He's not ready...
He says he really likes me.
And he's not saying he doesn't see it going there.
BUT (even though he says there is no but) he isn't quite ready.

Now it's not that he's seeing other people.
Sometimes we spent 12 nights in a row together alternating between places.
But clearly this is bad.
I find myself hurt and embarrassed for putting it out there.
And it's so weird because we talk via email all day long and I literally cannot spend enough time with this guy.
Some people wouldn't even push the issue.
He's kind and sweet to me and a fantastic kisser.
But clearly there is an issue.
And I'm bummed.
And so yeah...

nothing terribly exciting to announce anyway.

one thousand two hundred and ninety six

Pic from here

I woke up this morning and my first thought was MrAttorney.
This is definitely trouble.
He is away again.

On a work retreat out of the country.
And I miss him.
And I miss sleeping with him.
I miss laughing with him...oh its been so long since I've just giggled and laughed so much.
And the kissing...oh my the kissing!

Pic from here

The last couple of weeks we've been alternating sleeping at each other's places.
Mostly because we would rather be together than apart.
Even though we don't come out and say it.
But it's not what I'm worried about.

You see on Thursday morning when he was getting ready to leave.
And both of us were bustling around in the morning.
And I took a chance and leaned in kissing him and whispering in his ear..."you know I'd like to be more than bed buddies...just saying"
(Side note; we've been joking around that we are bed buddies...I think both of us sort of testing the waters...seeing what the other thinks etc...so I took the leap well I at least sort of put it out there).
And he said, "oh yeah?" and all I heard was a possible rejection.
Since then we haven't had a chance to get together because he is away.
And I'm a little nervous in having thrown that out there.

Oh yeah and there's just this one other thing...he's never been in love...ever.
And what stinks is I'm merely one thousand two hundred and ninety six hours in and I'm falling for him.
It came from that night where nothing should have worked out...and maybe it won't.
I wish I knew how to slow down my heart...

Blur

I'm sinking into a happy blur as days whip by.
I need to write about all the fun things I've been doing.

Like lunch and pedis with the girls.

A concert with the Canada Crew to see the British Indie Band The Foals.

Medieval Times with the CanadaCrew which was so fun.

Heading down to Maple Leaf Square with 15 000 others to watch the Leafs bite it in game seven

A weekend in Kingston to visit Jane, Quinn, Val, Eva and their families.

Watching Les Mis with the girls.

Heading to Taste of the Food Terminal with the Canada Crew.

And falling pretty hard for MrAttorney.
I cannot get enough of spending time with this man.
He makes me laugh and he's smart and sexy and just amazing.
I'm in big time trouble!