the messages

Pic from here

So yesterday I was minding my own business.
Got a chance to catch up with Taylor and her beautiful daughter on FaceTime.
Then schlepped through some dating website communication.

And at 11:49 PING.
Oh I think to myself ...it must K or Will or Taylor.
And when I glanced down.
It was MrAttorney.

He wrote...
"hey sorry I know I'm not supposed to be messaging you but I still have your pillow cases.  Do you want them?"

First, the explanation of him apologizing about not supposed to be messaging me.
I made that rule after last Sunday's conversation (read here if you missed it) because I get sucked back in.  So it's better that we simply do not talk.
As far as I'm concerned he has essentially told me he isn't interested in a relationship so I'm trying my best to move on and things like this do NOT help.

Second, he actually has a full sheet set of mine (not just pillowcases) because when his brother came to visit a few weeks back I lent him my air mattress and a sheet set because I knew he wouldn't be that organized.
So no, I don't want it back because I cannot seem him.  I know I will get butterflies and want to spend time with him and one thing will lead to another and before you know it will turn into a sleepover like a few Sundays ago.

Then he has to go and follow it up a few minutes later PING!
With a "I hope you had fun at the Michigan game and I hope you are doing well".
Seriously?!?!??!
These messages are killing me.

Now to make matters even more confusing I keep getting different pieces of advice.
Will says, simply don't respond because he is not ready (to change/be in a relationship) based on those texts.
My guy friend from high school says I should respond with "I did.  Keep the pillow cases".
Then a work colleague says maybe he is trying to keep the window of communication open because he is actually interested in me and I shouldn't close down that opportunity if I care about him (which I do).

So could someone please tell me which the bloody hell is it?

Control+Z

Pic from here

I hate those moments of gut checking panic.
The one where if my life was a word document I would frantically hit control+Z.
I hate that feeling.
That I made a huge mistake and maybe should go back to what was.
Only because right about now I feel so awful!

when you return a package...

Pic from here

This is totally ironic.
Especially given my post yesterday about being lonely.
So I finally got my butt to the post office and returned that package that I told you about here.
And on Monday the following email popped into my inbox.

MrRealtor

	Apr 29 (2 days ago)
to Teagan

Hi,

I received my returned package from you with mixed emotions the other day.

I would have hoped to get some sort of a response but alas just my gift and letter returned with no explanation from you. Doesn’t even look like you opened it.

I just want to know why Teagan…why the cut off with no explanation...please if anything just give me that closure.

Missing you,

MrRealtor

So of course I didn't respond...because I mean ...really?!

And this wasn't the final email...I got another one last night...and it's a doozy (I will share in my next post of course).

Can I also mention that for work I'm at the largest tradeshow of Toronto area Realtors?!  I didn't see him today but I'm totally panicked that I'm going to see him tomorrow....I'll keep you posted.

Forcing a shift

I'm bummed.
I haven't heard from my Miami classmate at all.
Whatever its been two days and I just need to move on.

The problem is when I like someone one I like someone like 100%...I don't know half way.
Which is an interesting lesson because with MrRealtor it wasn't there...even though I was trying.
Stuck in the is this good enough.

Being in my bummy mopey self this weekend I realize...it's not.
Cue the official get together for a breakup talk tonight...you know in person ugh! 
(I freaking hate those!!! Especially when you aren't even together!)

And while I alternate between smiling at the memories of less than a week ago.
I think I need to understand the reality of it.

For him it likely just was a usual night (he is super good looking and smart and fun and a great kisser...I cannot even begin to think of the caliber of women he dates/has been with...I mean he lives in MIAMI for gosh sakes and he lived in Sao Paulo Brazil...have you ever goggled Brazilian women...don't it almost destroyed my self esteem lol).
The only difference for him is that it was with the prettiest girl from his grad school class 
(his words not mine).
Nothing had ever transpired between him when we were in school...in fact I never hooked up fully with anyone in my class.
Probably a fun memory but not much more than that for him. 
In fact, it probably blends into quite a few memories...
Another notch in his bedpost or whatever.
Another chance to show his....umm...skills.

But for me it was bliss.
It was comfort in a familiar friendship.
That went from drunken playfulness to steamy making out...
That then went on to the morning...drinking in the sun.
The hand holding the giggling the sneaking glances with him pulling my hand to his lips.

It was how it rolled into the next day with the warm sun on my skin.
The requests for kisses.
Sitting at that bar.

Pic from here

Him telling me that I was really beautiful.
Sometimes leaning in whispering kiss me.
And I was too happy to oblige.
The little things that pop into my head like him returning from the rest room and crossing behind me kissing me on the top of my head...this totally made me melt...such a sweet pleasant surprise.

The beach walking hand in hand.
The suggestion to go swimming with a wink and a nudge.
I usually hate the ocean but with him I just went in giggling without a second thought.
Clinging to him as the waves crashed against us.
Kissing and giggling until we both were shivering.

Then warming up on the blanket...falling asleep in between kisses.
That is the issue really.  
That was pretty much my DREAM perfect 24 hours.

BUT I need to realize that was not his experience.
But it needs to be okay because I was reminded of that feeling.
The feeling I can't wait to have.
With whoever I'm meant to be with.
And I hold out hope that there is someone out there like that for me.
And quickly try to move on because in all reality it isn't with the person I JUST experienced that with (unfortunately).
So I just need to pull myself up by my boot straps and remind myself that.
And force myself to move on.