conversations going nowhere

So after the debacle of last Thursday with MrAttorney.
I should have followed the advice of AM.
Instead I allowed the text messages to go back and forth over the weekend.

Him teasing and saying that he dropped off a hot chocolate for me with the concierge.
Me for a second thinking that he actually did.
Him telling me a should yell at the concierge if it wasn't there because it means he drank it.
Me realizing he was totally just pulling my leg.

Later on this week he checked on me (from being sick last weekend).
At first I thought I would just ignore him but then I caved a day later.
And it kind of led to this conversation.

You see I felt bad because his Grandfather passed away over the weekend.
And in my messed up way I want to be there for him.
Or at least offer my condolences.
And then he will say something like the above "almost as much fun as hanging with me in scars" (scars is slang for the crappy out of the city area I lived in previously).   

And I know I should ignore him.
I am focusing on moving on and filling my life with great things.
Because y'all are right...he is just stringing me along for some weird reason.
I obviously am letting him.
I was so good from September 8th until the end of November and I cracked a little when he reached out to me on my actual birthday.
And lets be real obviously some part of me hoping things had changed and he had come to the realization that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.
The reality is that isn't the case at all.  

Here's how nothing changed

Sorry to keep you suspense.
Thursday.
I was so nervous I could barely sleep.
Trying to pick the most flattering of my non-flattering work clothes.

I was so so nervous and the day seemed to drag on until lunch.
And as I waited for MrAttorney in the lobby of my work building...butterflies.
He came around the corner handsome as ever.
Laughing and pulling me into him in a hello.

As as we giggled and began a walk to lunch it was less awkward than I thought.
Until 10 steps in we ran into someone who used to be another attorney's assistant.
And this awkward introduction moment of being asked if I was also an Attorney and the puzzled look on the ladies face when I said nope another profession.

We sat to have lunch.
Where it was like we didn't miss a beat.
Giggling and teasing each other.
And me being reminded of how handsome and funny he is.

He kept asking me what was new.
And asked about things I had done like Dallas and Ann Arbor trips.
He caught me up on his family and his life.
Asked me some advice on things.

And as we chatted and caught up I found myself realizing how much I missed him.
He made a comment about how his grandfather who is very ill and soon to pass away made him realize that "life was short"...and my hopeful heart pounded.
And as we made our way back to my office I asked him why he invited me out to lunch.
He said it was because it was my birthday and he missed me.
I joked that well he could check it off the list then.
And as I stalled uncomfortably outside my office he said do you think we should talk.
And I put it back on him I thought so if he wanted to.

And then I was up in my office in a blur.
Where was this going?
I had so many unanswered questions.
So with gusto I messaged him thanking him for luch and asking if we needed to talk.
His response "You want to talk?  As you typically say...it that what you want?"
I said yes.

Being the impatient girl that I am I practically insisted on doing so sooner rather than later.
And with that I found myself out to dinner with him across the street at a little sushi place.
When he saw me he made a comment about it being his lucky day seeing me twice.
And as we sat there eating sushi we reverted right back to our old selves.
Him eating the sashimi part off the top of the roll so I could eat the roll (too much fish on sushi is not my fav...he remembered so he did that).
And I found myself mumbling that I missed him and could you pass the soy sauce.
He said me too oh and I also need the soy sauce.

And so with that I launched into the fact that I missed him but I'm at a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship.
And he is in the exact same place.
He said he hasn't dated anyone since but filled his life with work/sports leagues/family stuff.
I told him I was dating.
He said well at this point really you could have had a boyfriend.
But really he just missed me and wanted to catch up.

And I was upset.
Y'all were right.
And with that we left the restaurant and as we stood outside in the cold neither of us wanting to leave.
He kissed me on the cheek I tried not to cry.

He offered to walk me a little ways towards my place.
Which turned into a side trip to his work so he could grab a bag and then we were in a taxi to my place.
Him leaning against me arm around me.
Me frustrated.

He dropped me off and got out to let me out of the taxi.
He pulled me towards him and briefly kissed me on the lips before pulling me in for a hug.
And with every fiber of me I didn't want him to leave.
He had to meet his parents though.

We briefly texted later that night.
I apologized for the situation.
He told me I had nothing to apologize about and that he always enjoys hearing from me.

The next morning I was full on fever sick so I stayed home from work.
He texted me first thing apologizing for not being able to meet me for a drink the night before and said "I really wanted to come" before asking how my night was.
He joked about bringing me a hot chocolate.
When I asked where it was he said he left it with my concierge and to yell at him if it wasn't there because it meant the concierge had drank it.

And we've been texting back and forth over the weekend.
But I need to stop.
Because really nothing has changed.

a second date fail and a second date pass

Pic from here

This seemed to be the weekend of second dates.
Well two of them at least lol.
So Saturday night I met up with the guy from this first date.

I met him downtown and we headed out for dinner and a movie.
There were again the same awkward stops in conversation.
I found myself searching for topics to chat about.
And he kept leaning to the side (there was a TV behind me that happened to have a hockey game on)...which I found extremely rude.
Heck if he wanted to watch the game he could have suggested wings and drinks and I would have happily watched the game.

And then the bill came and he asked if I wanted to split it.
And I did (though I didn't want to because the restaurant was his pick and he invited me).
It just was weird and I found myself in a little bit of a panic at the end of the date.
Like hoping he wouldn't kiss me or suggest to get together again.
I think I was sufficiently awkward and standing away that he only asked to get together again.
I let him know that I didn't think we were a match romantically.

I met up with Kai at her place after (soon to also be my apartment building too!)
And we both hoped for a better second date the next morning.
So this morning I the guy from this first date for brunch at The Rebel House.

Pic from here

He was on time this time lol.
And with him there is more just "click".
I found myself giggling and really enjoying myself.
Our brunch lasted three hours that seemed to fly by.

And we made plans for Friday night for a third date.
My last night in Toronto before I head to Dallas!
We walked a little down the road before we said goodbye with a quick kiss.
And it was good and totally made up for the not so good second date the night before.

out of the woodwork

What is up with these guys lately?
So I never expected to hear from MrTenderfoot again.
Do you remember the last post about him? (here)
He like disappeared off the face of this earth.

And then this week...

Here it is zoomed in...

I have not responded because I don't know what to say because it was MONTHS ago 
(six to be exact).
So why on earth would he message me now?

Unless...he is in my cousin Bella's wedding next August.
Oh yeah haven't mentioned that on here yet.

She asked me to be her Maid of Honour.
Which is really great.
Minus the fact that I have to make a speech in the same venue I had booked with Spencer.
(Why of all the venues did she have to go with that one?!).
So that is probably why he messaged me...I assume he is also in the wedding party.

Just a weird situation.
Especially with all the boys coming out of the woodwork like they have lately.
I mean seriously wtf.

ding!

Pic from here

Friday night and I've busied myself going through things and really trying to get rid of stuff I don't need.
How did I accumulate all of this in just over two years?!
So I'm just minding my business when...ding!

You guessed it.
MrAttorney...
"Hey I was cleaning up my place believe it or not and there's a belt.
Did you want your belt?"

I guess this is the point where I'm supposed to step it up and be a little mean, right AccidentallyMe?
Only why am I just hurt and bothered.
WHY message me if you don't want to be with me?
Every time I think I for sure have gotten to the point where I definitely won't hear from him...
Ding!

PS and tomorrow I will fill you in on how out of no where guys are just coming out of the woodwork...I'll give you a hint...Mr from this past February/March...seriously

the messages

Pic from here

So yesterday I was minding my own business.
Got a chance to catch up with Taylor and her beautiful daughter on FaceTime.
Then schlepped through some dating website communication.

And at 11:49 PING.
Oh I think to myself ...it must K or Will or Taylor.
And when I glanced down.
It was MrAttorney.

He wrote...
"hey sorry I know I'm not supposed to be messaging you but I still have your pillow cases.  Do you want them?"

First, the explanation of him apologizing about not supposed to be messaging me.
I made that rule after last Sunday's conversation (read here if you missed it) because I get sucked back in.  So it's better that we simply do not talk.
As far as I'm concerned he has essentially told me he isn't interested in a relationship so I'm trying my best to move on and things like this do NOT help.

Second, he actually has a full sheet set of mine (not just pillowcases) because when his brother came to visit a few weeks back I lent him my air mattress and a sheet set because I knew he wouldn't be that organized.
So no, I don't want it back because I cannot seem him.  I know I will get butterflies and want to spend time with him and one thing will lead to another and before you know it will turn into a sleepover like a few Sundays ago.

Then he has to go and follow it up a few minutes later PING!
With a "I hope you had fun at the Michigan game and I hope you are doing well".
Seriously?!?!??!
These messages are killing me.

Now to make matters even more confusing I keep getting different pieces of advice.
Will says, simply don't respond because he is not ready (to change/be in a relationship) based on those texts.
My guy friend from high school says I should respond with "I did.  Keep the pillow cases".
Then a work colleague says maybe he is trying to keep the window of communication open because he is actually interested in me and I shouldn't close down that opportunity if I care about him (which I do).

So could someone please tell me which the bloody hell is it?

Kitchen Nightmares

It's a week in Canada where we recognize Nurses and all the hard work that they do.
So I decided to do something I always swear I won't...bake.
I'm no Taylor or SoMidwestern
They are basically Martha Stewart but cooler, younger and prettier.

Every time I bake I usually always wonder why.
It always costs a ton by the time I pick up ingredients.
It always takes a ton of time where I'm generally frustrated or burn myself etc.
It always makes a huge mess.

Seriously look at this ridiculousness of a mess (also this is basically my entire counter space...because my condo is teeny!)

One of my nurses loves Nutella and I had come across this recipe here.
This is what I was trying to make.

Pic from here

4.5 hours later.
And I had exactly 5 out of 48 cookies that weren't completely atrocious.
Seriously all that work to make 5 cookies.

So annoyed.
I followed the recipe to the letter.
I even browned butter for the first time in my life!
And I didn't even get a chance to eat one.

Next time I'm buying a dessert from Nadege.
Like I did for January bookclub.

Nadege's Salted Caramel Tart...aka AMAZINGNESS

Sigh

PS the post was basically a forced distraction ...I haven't heard from MrAttorney since Monday and I can't help but think of the movie He's Just Not That Into You

last email...I hope

Pic from here

So on Tuesday night I got this follow up email...
Oh and I'll include my thoughts/responses as I read this...

MrRealtor

	Apr 30 (1 day ago)
to Teagan

Teagan,

Don’t worry, this is the last you will hear from me, but before I say goodbye I have some final words for you.

(Gosh I kind of hope so because this is becoming simply ridiculous).

In receiving my package back the other day, I am left feeling disappointed, hurt, and confused.  I delivered that package over a month and a half ago and received it back from you a few days ago. Why after 4 months of saying nothing did you decide to mail back my letter and gift without any words from you? If you’ve chosen to be silent for so long, why even bother sending the package back?

(Ummm well to be honest it sat in my front hall closet...and by the time I got around the post office it had sat there for about 2.5 weeks...because really who goes to a post office AND because I couldn't just mark RETURN TO SENDER because you had delivered it to my condo you PSYCHO!)  We haven't spoken since January! (here)  So why 2.5 months later would you MAIL me a package (here) after sending me flowers (here)

In my several attempts to communicate with you over the past few months, I have finally come to realize my efforts are futile.  It saddens me that you can be so ruthless and not even give me the courtesy of an explanation as to why you wanted to end things between us.  Ummm not sure how I"m ruthless (then I goggled ruthless just to check and according to Merriam-Webster  ": having no pity : merciless, cruel <a ruthless tyrant>"  And ummm hello we met up TWICE in person to discuss why it wasn't working and ONCE after that we had a phone discussion where I explained why it wasn't working but apparently this was not giving him the courtesy of an explanation...

I feel foolish for opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings with you this whole time, all the while being ignored like I never meant anything to you. I feel foolish for even sending this email, but realize that this is who I am and what I need to do, and that is to let you know how I feel. That is and was the difference between you and I all along. I opened up, you never did.  It’s funny how in the end the one who opens up gets the short end of the stick, looks the fool, and gets hurt.

You are not the person I believed you to be. You have no compassion for other’s feelings. This line really irks me because I don't believe that I'm not compassionate. I have been nothing but a good, decent man who respected you and cared deeply for you.  Ummm I beg to differ ie. leaving me stranded at an airport at 1:30am when you said you were to pick me up....thats not really respectful nor caring. I never deserved the way you cut me off like that. But, maybe I should have expected it as you made me aware of your past relationships and how they too were cut off abruptly.  He didn't really know a lot about my past...he is reaching here.  It’s obvious you have issues with trust and opening up, and in the end this is your demise. Wow that a jerky comment... really my demise?!  WTF.  I just never thought you would have done the same thing to me. Yet another foolish thought of mine.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in life. I hope you find what you’re looking for.  But just know that you have thrown away something very special. I am not perfect and never claimed to be when we dated. I made mistakes and bad judgement calls and admitted to them. However, despite my faults, I know I am a man with a big heart and a lot of love to give, none of which you deserve after the way you cut me off.  I'm kind of glad you think I don't "deserve you".

Regards,

MrRealtor

And that my friends is a nutso email.

when you return a package...

Pic from here

This is totally ironic.
Especially given my post yesterday about being lonely.
So I finally got my butt to the post office and returned that package that I told you about here.
And on Monday the following email popped into my inbox.

MrRealtor

	Apr 29 (2 days ago)
to Teagan

Hi,

I received my returned package from you with mixed emotions the other day.

I would have hoped to get some sort of a response but alas just my gift and letter returned with no explanation from you. Doesn’t even look like you opened it.

I just want to know why Teagan…why the cut off with no explanation...please if anything just give me that closure.

Missing you,

MrRealtor

So of course I didn't respond...because I mean ...really?!

And this wasn't the final email...I got another one last night...and it's a doozy (I will share in my next post of course).

Can I also mention that for work I'm at the largest tradeshow of Toronto area Realtors?!  I didn't see him today but I'm totally panicked that I'm going to see him tomorrow....I'll keep you posted.

OTH truth

I'm rewatching One Tree Hill from the beginning as I try to organize my life.
And I remember why I love it.
I feel like Brooke Davis.

Especially in this episode where she says this...

Brooke Davis: Why does everybody lie? You know, the bad guys lie to get in your bed, and the good guys lie to get into your heart. And I'm the idiot who falls for it every time

If you want to see her say it it's here

I feel exactly like her.

I fall for it every.single.time.

Unanswered packages

So the other day I got a message that I had a package from concierge.
Nice right?!
Well when I picked it up it was this...

Two creepy things about it.
One the "from" was hand written and my address was on a printed label.
Two notice there is no postage on it.
Therefore he dropped it off in person!

And what did it contain you may ask?
A letter...
This letter...

And a pandora charm.
Which is kind of ironic because he proclaims that it is him knowing that I would like it.
But the funny thing is...
I HATE pandora bracelets with a passion.
I think they are awful.

So I think it's best that I just mail it right back to him.
What do you think?
I have not spoken a word/text etc since January 20th.  
Sort of weird how persistent he's being right?

And I'm just frustrated.
The guys that like me I don't like.
And the ones I like don't like me.
I'm holding out the tiniest smidgen of hope that maybe at some point in my life I will find love and it will at least be equal.

Pic from here...NOT actual pic I'm talking about...just for clarification.

When someone changes their profile picture on facebook.
Got to love that special feeling...
when you realize...
wait...
that's part of my face...
cropped out of a facebook profile pic...

Low Mr.Tenderfoot.
Jerk move.
Total jerk move.

Right up there with the ONLY message I got all weekend was a "hey happy Easter".
WTF

MIA

Pic from here

I've been missing in action.
I know I've been horrible.
I've never been so bad about blogging.
Maybe my excuse is that I've been living my life more instead of writing about it.

But as the whirlwind of the last couple of weeks is catching up.
And I need to come back to this.
To writing it down...to trying to figure it out.

I'm not sure I can recount everything that has gone on these last couple of weeks.
Mr Tenderfoot and I after that weekend spent weekend after weekend together.
He came to Toronto and we spent one weekend being so super lazy blowing up an air mattress and watching movies all day.
The time spent making meals together.
The bliss in standing on my tiptoes to kiss him.
The familiarity of a simple touch when you move past someone.
The ignoring of the signals of his age/immaturity, the fact that he lives 2.5 hours away, all ignored because of the chemistry, the cuddling and lets be honest Mr Tenderfoot is super smoking hot.

I even planned a super special birthday surprise where I made him dinner, took him to Second City (one of my favourite things to do in Toronto...live sketch comedy), and one of my fav breakfast places in the city in the morning.  We spent the rest of the day running around just a whole bunch of nothing.

The following weekend I was super busy with a girly spa night (where we may have made a Harlem Shake video), and then a hair appointment and then a friend's birthday.  
So busy that I noticed the communication totally dying down with Mr Tenderfoot.
I was supposed to head to my hometown a day early to spend the night at his place.
Only the night before (Wednesday) I pushed and pushed because I felt like something wasn't right.

And before I knew it instead of heading to see him after work on Thursday.
I found myself heading out to sushi with Val instead.
And meeting her in the early morning for a hot yoga class and then some tea.

Totally bummed out and I still haven't talked to him since.
Even though I'm literally sitting here bored out of my mind at my parent's place.
(He lives 8 minutes away)...and he's all I can think about.
I don't know how things can change so quickly in the blink of an eye.
BUT that tends to be the going trend with me and boys.
They "change their mind" and are gone without so much as a dust left in their tracks.
Only a more jaded and disappointed me wondering what the heck happened.

So many other things have happened like I officially turned down a job offer in the Middle East.
I've been spending time with my friend (the Canada Crew), and realizing that some friendships are more temporary (like the Waterloo girls, much to my sadness), and just doing random things (like 5Ks, Brewery tours, pub nights, etc).
And yet I still feel just as stuck.
I still get green eyed over my friends in relationships.
I really really just want to be loved.
Which is why I may or may not be talking to Jacob again (I KNOW I KNOW so stupid).
Ugh.
Seriously.

unexpected delivery

So remember when I wrote about it being the end of things with MrRealtor.
Well on Friday at work I was running around keeping busy when...
These came...

Y'all know I detest getting flowers at work.
I wouldn't mind if I was married etc. BUT because it increases staff gossip.
And it's embarrassing.
ESPECIALLY with this card attached NOT in a freaking envelope.

Don't you think if the florist reads this then CLEARLY it should have gone in an envelope?
Anyway it was HUMILIATING.
I mean you know where I live why not send them to my home?

Anywho...so I didn't respond.
And I went to sleep fairly early on Friday because the weather was horrible and I had a fun filled day for Saturday (more about that later).

And when I woke up at 6:45am I realized I had some unanswered messages on my phone.

Seriously a phone call drunk dial at 2:19AM?
And a text later.
Yup unanswered because I don't even know how to respond.
Why can't the guys I like be this persistent?

Closing Doors to Open New Ones

Y'all a final update (I think) on MrRealtor.
So I told you here how I finally broke things off on that Sunday (read here)
(even though he didn't get that).

As evidence of the email the next day.
And then I told you all about these texts a few days later (read here if you missed it).
Well a few days later I got these texts...

Which drove me nuts to the point that I thought I better call him.
Which is why I agreed to call him.
So how frustrated was I when he tried to bully me into meeting up with him...because that's what HE would rather do.

I didn't I called him.
But the guy would NOT listen.
To the point where I was blunt and like "this is not going anywhere".
After I thought I was quite clear and finished the conversation....
I got this text from him.
Read the top box (the next one is clearly from the next day).

And then the next day this (all unanswered by the way).

Seriously WTF.
I hope you didn't mean what you said last night?
I mean WHAT?
So I think I won't reply.
I mean I know he asked me to but this is just getting ridiculous.

Unanswered Messages

So this week was a little sprinkle of avoidance and more girly fun 
(Taco Tuesday and Book Club on Thursday...that post to come!)
So I told y'all had it went down with MrRealtor here.

It was followed up with an email asking to get together to chat (which went unanswered).
And then yesterday a text message with a link to a music video.
This music video.

Seriously.
Here's what I don't get.
Isn't it easier to treat someone nicely all along?
Instead of apologies and promises to make it up for treating you poorly???

So OVER it.
Also I can't remember the last time someone sent me a link to a music video lol.

Saturday/Sunday

So Saturday like I said first I went brunette (huge change).
And what else to do after that but head up to Kingston.
I hadn't seen Jane since I threw her and Eva a baby shower in the fall.

Saturday was Jane's official due date so we planned for one last girly sleepover... provided her daughter hadn't made her grand entrance.
So I drove up to Kingston.
It turned out we changed plans because Jane's parents wanted to celebrate her younger brother Ted's birthday so I crashed the fam jam.

Ted wanted to go to Red Lobster.
I don't think I've eaten there since I was 15!
So I met them over there.

Pic from here

And it was much less disastrous then I thought it was going to be (foodwise) lol.
It was great to catch up with Jane's parents too.
After that we headed to Jane's house where we proceeded to catch up, watch TV and I painted her nails for her.
And it was lovely and simple and just relaxing.

The next morning we slept in late before heading to Windmill's for brunch.
Kingston is that small of a city that we bumped into Jane's father-in-law there.
It was also packed with Queen's University students.
And rightfully so because it was delicious!

Pic from here

After that we headed down to Starbucks for coffees before I had to head back to Toronto for a birthday dinner.
It was for one of my sorority sisters that I don't know so well yet.
And I'm so glad I pushed myself to go out and I'm so glad I did.
As I'm still pushing to make new friends and grow.

We met at Earl's for dinner and it was super fun.

Pic from here

And then from there I headed to Shangri-La lobby bar to meet with MrRealtor to try to and just end things in  person.

Pic from here

And y'all it was awkward and frustrating and he just wasn't listening.
And so when he walked me back to my car I pretty much just stepped away, hopped in and drove away.
Here's how I know for sure he wasn't listening or paying attention.
He sent me this message;

"I have never seen someone wanna leave so bad so fast like before
Clearly I'm not good for you
At least that's the impression I get from you
Drive safe goodnight"

I guess the 1.5 hour conversation hadn't sunk in at that point for him.
Ughhh
And that's how the rest of my weekend FLEW by!