Doubt

Pic from here

I was just going to save this post in my drafts.
Because I get worried about what people will think a lot.
I want everyone to like me and think I'm great 
(total flaw that I'm slowly trying to work on)...
hence I thought I would at least post it for a little while.
My biggest fears include me not being able to sustain a relationship because of my feelings...the feeling that maybe I am a little "crazy" as Spencer said near the end.
I know I over think and analyze things...I'm hoping that is not impossible for someone to deal with.
So deep breath...here it goes...


I need to write about Seventeen.
But there was a dreaded feeling on seventeen.
Doubt.


Is there any worse a feeling?
Also let me preface this with an it's my fault/I'm probably exaggerating 
(I mean helLO this is me we are talking about).


Last night the first bits of doubt.
Him arriving late.
Not one compliment the whole night.
Which leads me to the conclusion that OBVIOUSLY he doesn't find me attractive.
And makes me mad at myself for wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


Sitting in a dark movie theatre...
hoping for a hand on the knee... 
arm over the shoulder...
any kind of touch really.


Myself anxiety ridden about this weekend that we are supposed to go to wine country.
Only the plans aren't finalized at all 
(ie. we don't exactly have confirmation of a place to stay).
No confirmed plans seems like not a big deal to him. 
He's pretty easy breezy that way.
But the lack of plans has me practically hyperventilating on the inside.


No walking me up to my apartment just a quick drop off in front.
No post date text message for the first time.
And I was full on freaking out.
And feeling awkward and uncomfortable.


I can't help but feel like he isn't interested.
Or perhaps for the first time a little bit of doubt.
Can he give me enough attention?
Should he have to?
Or is it my own insecurities I need to sort out to not need that kind of attention?


I hate to use the word fault because it isn't what I really mean.
But I think the above is sort of getting to...
Is it his fault?
Or
Is it my fault?
(Let's be clear and please know I usually come to the conclusion that it is my fault).


Now before we actually jump to these fast moving conclusions.
I should give you a few final details.


MrKent and I have had this conversation before.
He is hard to read...which I'm interpreting as his relationships usually end because women do not think he is interested.
Sort of like how I'm starting to feel.


But where is the line...where is disinterested?
Should every man when he meets the woman of his dreams instantly be infatuated and perfect and verbalizing so?
Are some men different?
Or does it just take the RIGHT woman to bring that infatuated side out?


This was part of the reason I fell so hard for Spencer.
I thought THIS is what is is like when you meet TheOne.
This is how he is supposed to treat you.
Tons of compliments, and wanting to spend every second with each other, and have you hands all over each other...makes moving across the world less scary 
(or at least seem so at the time).
BUT that turned out to not be the case ...so I'm left confused.


So something else that I didn't really mention...


MrKent was pretty sick yesterday.
He didn't go to work on Tuesday and pretty much slept the entire day.
When he picked me up for our date in my northeast end of the city I went in to kiss him.
He was like...I'm really gross and I don't want to get you sick.
And he was all coughey and congested and didn't sound great at all.


We went for dinner and then headed to the movies 
(you know the good stuff that I will write about in Seventeen).
I noticed he needed a ton of boy Kleenex (ie. napkins from concession).
In the movie he had a coughing/sneezing attack.
He sounded miserable.


When he dropped me off he said...yea I just don't like to get people sick.
When I joked about having a strong immune system.
He laughed and said...still I don't want to get you sick.


So maybe sometimes I need to stop thinking about ...ME.
And be a little bit more considerate.
Oh yea and also not go all crazygirl.

Weekend Update

A busy but good weekend.
This week I had a crazy stressful week and was happy to see it fly by.
It has pretty much been non-stop and I wish I had taken more pictures.
Instead I just took a bunch right now to hopefully fill that void.
I need to get better about that because I find myself wishing I had more pics from earlier in the weekend.


On Friday Quinn drove up from the SC (it's like the OC only in southeastern Ontario haha) with her baby.
They were coming for a girl's sleepover.
Val and Eva joined us for drinks and snacks until the wee hours of the morning.


We just hung out listened to music and ate.
We had cheese, veggies, fruit (and of course wine!)
I wish I had taken pictures because I used my serving dishes.


Saturday morning Quinn and I brewed some yummy coffee.
And I made the same breakfast I made for Taylor when she came here in January.
(Read here if you missed it).


We hung out until midday when they left.
And my parents came into town.
They had made last minute plans to come here.
This was actually supposed to be the weekend I hung out with MissDentist (MrDentist's BFF) but she rescheduled for the 17th (well I she says she is rescheduling and I'm trying NOT to be paranoid that she just doesn't want to be my friend which I think would be just as bothersome as MrDentist disappearing...because I have this issue of wanting everyone to like me...AND the issue of making more cool girl friends ...I totally need to work on this in all aspects).


Anywho my parents came to Toronto with my dog.
We just had a low key night of pizza and a movie.
We rented Drive.
And y'all I didn't like it (and I love me some Ryan Gosling!)


It was one of those movies that I wasn't expecting to be like that.
I was expecting like The Italian Job or The Transporter kind of movie.
But it was SUPER graphic and violent.  
Think more like Kill Bill or a Quentin Territino (I cannot spell) flick.
And the trailer to me did not seem like this.
Here it is.

So we actually were all ready to go to sleep at 10.
So we did.
I air mattress-ed it up so my parents could have my room.
Haha the joys of a one bedroom apartment!


This morning we got up and had breakfast and headed out shopping 
(really what else are my parents and I going to do?)
I got these beauties from my FAVOURITE store Restoration Hardware.

I got this chair last week.
Awesome right?
I got it from my least favourite store...Wal-Mart.
But it does the job and at $148 for a slipper chair well worth it!

The pillow fits PERFECTLY I was so excited when I realized this...after I already bought it haha.

This little guy has been kicking it around on my desk I also got him last week.
I think the folks at YoungHouseLove got me on the craze of white ceramic animals.
Owls are near and dear to my heart though.

I want to share with you some amazing things from Taylor that she brought for me when she came to visit.
Seriously she is that amazing that she also brought a gift when her coming was a gift in itself.
Gorgeous right?
Now I just need not to procrastinate and get photos of us in them.
Tay I did attempt to umm mend the beautiful candleholder...
however everyone says they love my candlesticks (which works out great!)

My parent's have just returned from Portugal (for my grandfather's anniversary mass).
And they brought back this from his house.
My grandfather was in the military in Rhodesia.
It obviously is very special for me to have this.
I miss my grandfather very much.

Of course my parents don't leave here without fully stocking my fridge and bar.
i.e.

Seriously I am so spoiled!
I'm such a lucky girl.
My parents also got me this jewelry armoire from Bombay.
Which apparently was a brand managed out of Fort Worth Texas before closing all US chains.
It is still pretty popular and big here up in Canada though.
They had a sale today so instead of it being $676.87 it was on sale for total of $399. 

It actually reads a lot darker then this pic which is good for my other dark furniture.

It won't be in for 2 weeks but I will show you it when I'm done.
My parents did NOT like my current jewelry organization.

Then we stopped by Joe Fresh which is one of my FAV stores also.
And I got some of these basics.
This I can't wait to wear when I go to my parent's new home in Florida.

Did you catch that?
Yes my parents just bought a home in Florida.
Where Spencer lives...I get it Florida is a big state but umm its a little close for my panicky self...thoughts of running into him on the beach me feeling chunky him with his new fab girlfriend/fiancee/wife....ughhhhh!


My parents invited me there for Easter weekend.
And they actually invited Taylor to join us too.
Anyways let me move on before I start to panic about the whole thing.
Ughhhh...out of all the FREAKING states to live in...I need to move on.


I also got some basic Cardigans (I'm obsessed with cardigans I love how they look so preppy).
And at $16 each you really cannot beat that pricing (and JoeFresh is amazing quality!)

And this chambray dress $29.

Which I cannot wait to pair with a skinny belt and to get a pair of cowboy boots when I visit Dallas in a few months!
This dress is perfect to wear when I go to visit Taylor.


So did y'all have a great weekend?
Now I'm just getting all set for the work week to begin.
And I NEED to get on the ball for things like signing onto that dating account and get going on that again.
Because I know y'all are dying for more Mr_____ stories ...am I right?!
And in case you're wondering ...no I haven't heard a peep from MrDentist...but I'm trying not to think about that anymore.

Things I tried not to notice or think about yesterday

1. That MrDentist didn't communicate at all yesterday.
That I need to sort of dust myself off and force myself to forget about all of that.
That I didn't seriously think of everything over and over again (as I mentioned in this post).
I mean why do all those things/say all those things/then basically go MIA.
I am so tangential right now (and I think I'm using tangential wrong in the sentence by the way).
So sick of boys going MIA...hmmm though sometimes I go MIA when I don't know how to reject someone ie. MrFinance (as mentioned here and here).
Note to self STOP doing that because it's mean.

2. It would have been my pseudo two year wedding anniversary yesterday.  Scary.  Which just made me feel ill actually.  And makes me think I should throw out the Burberry Trench fund straight into the hire a Dlawyer/private investigator to get this ball rolling.  But then I try not to think of it because the financial commitment is just way too burdening and I think in the back of my head the emotional thing probably would get to me a little.

3. Why oh WHY did I open up to MrDentist about Spencer.  Now I feel more humiliated and embarrassed about my past.  Note to self...no opening up anymore early on.

Well that's actually it but they were seemed like some pretty big things yesterday that I was trying to ignore...but wasn't actually very successful.
Total pink elephant in the room.
Does anyone else use that  expression or did I make it up?

I know there is an expression of an elephant in the room (which is impossible to ignore).
I always use the example, if someone told you "do NOT to think of a pink elephant" ...
isn't it kind of funny that THAT is all you can think about??? No?
I'm guess I'm strange and just a little rambly this morning.


Pic from here

Tuesdate with MrRussian

So Tuesday right after work I had a date with MrRussian.
He complimented my shoes.
I guess that doesn't seem like a big deal.
But they are flat pointy toed greeny/yellow with sparkly details.
And he STILL complimented them.
I found that rather impressive.
They are more the type of shoes girls compliment rather than boys.
Anywho I'm too lazy to take a picture right now but maybe tonight I will update this post with a pic.

So he said he had made reservations.
I was excited.
So he took me to Chiado.

Thoughtful yes because my background is Portuguese.
I came to find out later (from one of my work colleagues that Chiado is the nicest (and most expensive) Portuguese restaurant in the city).
It was great and had a really REALLY old school European vibe.

Described on blogTO as Chiado is upscale Portuguese dining, with mains such as pan-seared filet of
grouper, grilled octopus with sweet pepper salsa, roasted Australian rack of lamb, and specialty dishes with fresh fish flown in from Portugal. Superior choice for seafood dining, though probably not the place to catch Brazil vs. Portugal

I wish I took pictures.
I need to figure out a way to take pictures without reveling I have a blog to dates.
Anyone have any suggestions?
I did manage to find some pictures on the internet though.
I think pictures always makes things better.

We started with a complimentary chef's appetizer of goat cheese with the plate having a swirl of honey and balsalmic...delishious with the fresh bread.
Then we shared an appetizer of grilled shrimp and quail resotto.

Both of us choose fish as our main course.

We also had some lovely red wine.

Then he dropped the bomb on me.
Starting off innocently enough...then he progressed to this.
He basically alluded to the fact that he thought I had been hurt badly in the past.
My gut reaction...I seem damaged.
Which I took a little bit as an insult and it made me sort of take a step back a little bit.

He asked me to elaborate about Spencer.
I went to open my mouth and nothing came out.
And I felt my heart start to go faster and thinking of what to say.
My biggest thought is I feel like if I talk about that whole debauchery of a relationship I'm going to burst into tears.
Especially as pictures raced through my head like this...unworn dress hanging in parents office still, thousands of dollars in deposits, fake ring, being abadoned this side of the border with not so much as a detailed phone call discussion about it, and I felt myself start to panic a little bit.

I pulled myself together and willed the tears away.
I let him know that the fact that I even told him about Spencer was a HUGE deal for me.
And frankly I'm not ready to go into details yet.

He let me know that he wanted to know what he was working with and how I'm viewing him
(because our pasts obviously influence that).
I let him know that I wasn't ready and I didn't want to feel pressured.
So the end of the dinner sort of had this awkwardness to it.
He apologized if I felt pressured.

Then we got up to go.
He helped me put on my coat as he always does (another + in my books).
We walked to the car holding hands.
He dropped me off and we shared a kiss.
But this has me uncertain again.
Part of me wondered if maybe I'm still not ready to date...through it has been a long time since Spencer (October 2010 really the last time I saw him).
Maybe its a sign I should finish writing his chapters.
I'm hesitant.


Pics from here here here

Difficult Decisions

So tonight my parents came up to the TDot.
We had dinner and then the main reason they came up...
I've decided to temporarily give them my dog.

He is and has been really ill for awhile.
I think I alluded to this before.
There is something wrong with him.

We don't know what because he seems to just have an elevated white blood cell count specifically neutrophils which is basically only suggestive of infection.
The doctor's recommendation is to do surgical biopsy of intestines and the liver to see if anything comes up.

This surgery would involve putting him on general anaesthesia.
He is about 5lbs and tiny and this sort of nonspecific exploratory surgery does NOT sit well with me.  Plus it would be upwards of $3000.
So I've been struggling with this decision awhile.

Our current plan of action is a rather large dose of antibiotics with bloodwork on a monthly basis to monitor if anthing changes.
And of course I look out for other signs of him deteriorating.
Yesterday I was a wreck with worry because he just refused to eat.
And he typically seems to do better when I'm around.
ie. there is a noticible personality difference when I'm home (like weekend) versus a long day at work.

My parents are home a ton.
My mum's work is 5 minutes away.
She goes home for lunch.
My grandmother is at my parents home all day long two days a week.
So I made the decision to let them take him.
I think he would be happier.
But I'm heartbroken.

At least my parents basically took it as they will take him for a few weeks and "fatten him up" and then return him here.
Deep down in my gut I worry that I've sent him to my parents house to essentially die.
Part of me selfishly admits that that would be easier than doing that on my own here.
The thought of losing him crushes my heart.
I seriously have anxiety about finding him dead here and what would I do.
It freaks me right out actually.

I love my dog.
He has been with me since 3 weeks after I first moved to Texas.
He studied with me for every single test (and there were hundreds).
It's been me and him.

He survived a crazy exboyfriend essentially attack us and chase us around our apartment one night.  It was like some bad episode of cops seriously ridiculous.
He was with me when I fell in love with Jacob.
He was with me when my heart was broken by Jacob in Philadelphia.
He refused to leave my side when Spencer absolutely destroyed my heart in Canada.
When all I would do was sleep and watch TV and cry...he was there curled up in a ball beside me following me from bed to couch to bed.
He has survived moves and flights internationally.
He is the sweetest most loyal dog ever.

And I can't help though but feel like one of those Teen Moms on MTV.
You know the irresponsible ones that continue to party and go out, leaving their parents to babysit/raise their child because they just want to be a normal teenager.
Part of me feels very very guilty about this situation.
I wonder if I made the right decision.
Tonight I have the sads :(

Choose Your Own Adventure...(The Real "Me", The List and The Choice)

I have this super weird feeling going on.
Let me try to (but unlikely will actually) explain.
It's something deep down and unsettling.

I'm likely to actually be getting ahead of myself and making no sense also.
So let's say I'm giving you a fair warning 'kay?

The thing is it has to do with Jacob.
And though I realize it could be all talk.
He says he is ending things with his pseudofiancee and moving forward with us because he knows we are "meant to be".
Here's my confession... I don't know this 100%.

Let's just "pretend" for a second that is happening.
If that is the case I start into a full fledged panick.

I'm going to be as honest as possible about everything.
Even though it might make me sound bad or not paint a favourable picture of me.
(And THAT is very hard for me to do).

Here's the thing.
I feel like I should make a choice.
And I'm not sure what to do.

Let me try and explain in a logical order.
Starting with the Real Me.
Trying to discover who I am.

The Real "Me"
Some of the things (I think I'm learning) is that I like nice things, and I grew up a certain way.
One of the ways I feel loved (not that I WANT to be like this) is to receive gifts.
That is what I learned from my parents.
I think there may even be a term for this type of person.
And I'm not thinking of SPOILED BRAT...I think there is actually a term for this.

Anywho...this is something I've learned.
Something I CRAVE is affection through touch and nicknames and mushiness (and I attribute this to the lack of this from my parents). 
The sort of not funny joke with the girls is that I had to learn how to hug and not do an awkward half hug shrug away.
But I actually crave affection through touch (I'm still a sucker for holding hands in the mall etc at 29 years old! and I think that will never change).
Give me a nickname I melt because it's special and in cheerleading you "earned" a nickname.
I love love and affection and I'm a hopeless romantic.

So let's add a couple of more random things to the mix.
I have seen friends go through relationships.
And the thing is I think it is important for a guy to feel like a guy and a breadwinner (don't be mad readers!)
I think sometimes with what I do and what I've experienced and been fortunate enough to be from the family I'm from...is usually (well in every SINGLE case been more (financially)) then any boy I've ever been with.

So what do I do?
If I want to go on a trip (I pay).
If I want to get them an expensive gift (I do).
If I want to eat out at a nice restaurant or go to the latest concert (I buy tickets etc).
If I want something nice for myself (I save up and buy it for myself).
I think this is sort of wrong...but then what do you do...NOT do those things?

So my friend Taylor once wrote a list...so here is mine.

The List (aka Teagan's Ultimate Dream Man List)

• Man (starting off slow here people).
• Dark hair, dark eyes.
• Gym guy (I love the super meat head looking guys...sorry that is what I'm attracted too...no skinny lanky tall guys for this girl (tried it ONCE with Spencer...and well you sort of know how that worked out).
• Orphan (I'm sort of half joking about this...in the past I felt like guys picked their family first...and while a good relationship is important for a guy to have I want to be the #1)
• Being the #1 MOST important person in the ENTIRE world to this man.
• Someone that doesn't leave (I know I totally have an abandonment issue).
• Must love chihuahuamixes (duh).
• Likes to dance (and willing to take dance lessons with me.
• Someone who likes to give compliments (I need it).
• Mushy/Affectionate
• Someone who gives me a nickname...but something special.
• ?Someone that loves myself for myself.
• Someone who has the same beliefs (religious without necessarily going to church every Sunday)
• Someone who has the same habits with reguards to eating (mostly healthy), and working out (very necessary).
• Someone who likes my profession.
• Someone who is a manly man (I want a spider killer, lift heavy things, unscrew tight jars, provider (thought I would sneak that in...which should lead to).
• I want someone that does well financially (at least better then myself).
• I never wanted to be a stay at home mom (that IS a full time job...just not one I want).
• Someone who wants to live in a condo downtown (I don't ever want a yard and I love living in high rise condos in the middle of all the action).
• I want someone who is social and likes to do fun active things (I love socials and galas and art openings and restaurants and broadway shows and hockey games and dinner parties).
• Someone who has a travel bug like I do (culture and food and art and history and willing to go to museums and journey the world together...nothing sounds worse then visiting the same allinclusive in Cancun every year because it is a good "value").

There is probably more...FYI but I'm trying to tone it down in a sense.
Maybe  I will add more later.

So here is why I have this totally weird nagging feeling.
Is Jacob settling?
I'm at a cross roads here.
I've done some good over the last few months I've moved to Toronto.
However I'm still more hermit than socialite.

It's not like I haven't tried to get out there at all.

But maybe not to the extent I should be trying.
I have tried to email my alumni night group here (with no response), I reached out to the All-Star Cheerleading club I used to coach at to try and coach again (with no response) and I feel sort of stuck.
I am bothered that I reached out and nothing.

Here's the ideal.
You take my FABULOUS bestie Taylor and pluck her in a new city and BLAM instant friends.
This amazing lady is social and everyone instantly loves her.
I'm not that...but I think it is a choice (even if it feels not so).

There are things I could do for sure to reach out more but I am choosing not to.
Therefore 100% my fault.
Val even suggested that one night I stay late when I work smack downtown and explore a bit...try and make some friends.
But I don't.
I'm nervous and afraid.
For no good reason at all.

So here comes The Choice (or what feels like "the choice").
Choose your own adventure Teagan.

"Decide to go down the stairs" turn to page 106
Jacob*( if you realized above Jacob has the blue qualities...and clearly not 100% is about half enough?), safe, easy, I know what it will be like. 
Comfortable in my little world I've created. 

The Jacob and Teagan relationship, Blogging, work, work out, adventures with the girls on weekends and assorted weekly classes/activites.

Will that make me happy?...maybe.
But I will be content (maybe) and is that enough?

"Climb out the window, jump to the roof and then find your way down from there" turn to page 108
Force myself out of the bubble.
Take a yoga class downtown and FORCE myself to make friends.
Go to a happy hour by myself until I meet people (how to make it so I'm NOT picking up but actually there to meet friends I'm not sure...is this how you meet girl friends?  How else do you make more friends?).  And this thing ACTUALLY terrifies me!
Turn Jacob down (scary too) and wait for someone who meets the ultimate dream list (though I'm not sure this will exist).
Join a dating site and date multiple guys.
It was at basically at living this life when I was living in Singapore that I had all this ANDDDD then I meant Spencer and it all went to crap (months later...I think I still regret leaving Singapore).  I had this in Dallas too right before I started dating Jacob (and I definitely regret leaving Dallas).
Will this make me happy?  Only if it works.

So what do I choose page 106 or page 108.




Pic from here,

Like pushing on a bruise to see if it still hurts...yup it does

Today I got an email with this Subject Line
Subject: Confirmation for your September 17th Wedding!!!
And I felt the now less familiar knot in my stomach.
As I opened the email my hands were shaking...

Hi Teagan,

My name is Lindsay and I have since taken over for Candice since she is away on maternity leave.  Your wedding is fast approaching us and I would like to confirm a few details with you.

Based on my information here, I see you are hosting the cigars ($15.00 each) and would like the roller to start at 5:30pm.  Correct?

I also need you to confirm
1. Number of Guests
2. You current billing address
3.  Is it still the same location as initially discussed?

Also, the credit card used for the deposit is no longer here can you please provide with one for your remaining balance?

Thanks
Lindsay

I responded to let her know that there is no longer a wedding.
I has cancelled with Candice in December
(which is why there is no longer a credit card on file).
And I was actually surprized at how much it bothered me.
I think it was because I was so caught off guard.

Maybe because this was one of the surprizes I had booked for Spencer.
Him and all the guys in his family love cigars.
What better then cigars all night and someone rolling them by hand?!
Well if the hypothetical wedding was still on that is.
It's not.

And it still hurts.
I wish that date didn't practically leap off the calendar at me.
It still does.


Pic from here

I believe in...Daddy's Girls

So not to be too excited because there are still too many things on edge.
Like I'm supposed to move to Toronto on Saturday but I don't have a place to move to...stress!

Then I got a bill for basically my association (which is mandatory to participate in)...after searching through my papers (didn't I just pay a couple of thousand to do this???).  I realized that the provincial one is from Aug 1-July 31st each year...therefore the scrimping and saving for a new place and other fees I was stumped how I would come up with ANOTHER ~$2200 by the 31st.

So I was upset and I told my dad...something along the lines of that I keep trying and things (well expenses) keep coming up and I'm homeless (I know I was being way over dramatic)  and I'm really really stressed.
My dad (who is my hero and does not give things with strings attached).
Said these magic words "I'll take care of it don't tell your mum."
These words have saved me in the past.
As a stronger, better independent person would refuse the gesture.
But I couldn't.
Not now...not on the brink of good things after such a crappy crappy year.

So I accepted gratefully.
Then randomly we were chatting and he said...how come you don't listen to that music player (dad talk for iPod) anymore you used to have that thing with you everywhere.
I admitted that it was one of the things Spencer had and didn't return and that it was okay I would save up for one in the future.
My dad then said...Teagan I think you've been punished enough...seriously you've been working so hard and you don't complain (clearly he doesn't read/know about the blog haha)...order one...consider it a new job gift.

And that my friends is how today I ordered a pink nano...the new kind.

How stellar are things starting to work out for this kid?
Now I just need good news on the apartment front.

I was stuck on the free engraving part of the order for awhile.
I finally decided on part of an Audrey Hepburn quote...I believe in pink (and then added my initials).
Ever see it?
I've seen it in two different parts...(from brainyquote.com)

I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and... I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

And thought that it would serve as a little inspiration when needed.
So that is how my Tuesday is totally looking up.



PS I may have called Spencer's mum last night to try and get his contact info and probably left the worst message where I sounded like I was totally going to cry ughhh...its a step though.  The bigger step will be to contact my lawyer but I thought I would try and call Spencer's parents first by phone (which I did last night).  Then Thursday by email and then just give up by then on that front.  It is terrifying though to deal with that whole issue.

PPS Jacob is still messaging me daily but don't worry I'm still ignoring it...daily :)

PPPS MM left for business trip to Cali this past Saturday so that is why you won't hear much or haven't heard much as of late but he messages me daily...and I totally respond :)  Oh yea and we are officially dating/seeing each other...whatever that means.I love it.

Chapter X-48: A Continuing Nightmare and Moving On

I really really wish this wasn't continuing on like it is.

Especially with Spencer who was supposed to file on May 1st for the Divorce in Florida.

I have had zero information or contact from him.

 

I did send him an email (around the 15th) both pleading requesting an update and asking if I should proceed and file here (which again I don't want to do mainly because of the fact that it will cost ME $3600+ versus less than $500 for him to file there).

Nevermind all the money I lost with wedding deposits etc.

It is especially painful because of wanting to move to Toronto and just move ON with my life.

ANDDDDD nothing..no response whatsoever.

Really I should not be surprized.

 

This weekend with Jane and Brooke beside me I called him.

And it is like a fax tone or something when I call.

Like one long beep and then silence.

Maybe he has blocked my number???

I have no idea because I have never had a problem with someone blocking me.

Which I find both humiliating and frustrating.

 

So I sent him an email today ...

 

 

Spencer,

 

I've tried to get a hold of you numerous times to see what is going on.

I believe the phone number you most recently gave me has possibly changed.

You stated last that you had everything prepared and would file for divorce in Florida on the first of May.

Could you confirm this at all?

Please let me know a contact number or information for you.

I would like this to be finalized as soon as possible, as you wished.

I would appreciate it if we could finish this because ideally I would like to not have to keep reaching out to you.

I also would prefer not to have to contact your family for contact information.

 

Teagan

I wish this nightmare of Spencer would just end and be done with.
I have a feeling I'm still going to get stung a few more times before I can finally move on.
I would love nothing more then to never ever ever have to speak to him again.
I just don't understand if he wanted to not be married to me.
Why is he dragging his heels and making this impossible?
I have a feeling I may never understand.

Friday Night Fun

I'm still kind of mad at blogger right now for erasing yesterdays post....grrrrrrr...moving on.
Well my roots have been calling out desparately for some much needed highlights.
So after work today I headed in.


My fav hairdresser at my mum's spa was doing it (she has been doing my hair since I was 15).
She first chastised me for not colouring it since February (oops).
I didn't fil her in on the mamadrama of having to pay for it (can't and won't do at this point).

I love how she does my hair because let's face it...
my hair is black so it can look really skunky with highlights.
She does it subtle enough that I think it is a pretty caramely-brown.


So we start and I had a super weird reaction.
I'm not sure what it was but as she was combing through a toner on my hair.
I felt so upset and the swirl of thoughts in my head was all about Spencer.
Maybe it was because I tried to call him this morning (to no answer obviously).


It was like I all of a sudden got choked up...
like the tears were going to start to pour down my head.
And in my head I thought...quick Teagan think something else.
Think about the next two weekends, and moving to the TDot
and working in your career and all the good stuff.
So I managed to push them back somehow.

I then headed home and still feeling on the verge of tears.
So weird.
I'm not sure why.
Things are coming together and I have my plan and I'm moving forward.
Maybe it's because of Friday the 13th haha...
but I had planned on pulling a little Taylor Swift action and tihnking that it is actually lucky.

Here is some pics of my hair and my comfy bum clothes at home.
Sorry for the rando blocked face but I'm just not there yet for sharing.
Maybe one day.
As I uploaded these pictures to this post...

I realized what I wanted to be able to think about myself and do I dare say it...
maybe I do think so a little bit...
Deep breath...

I'm too pretty and nice to be sitting at home on a friday night.

I deserve to be going out and enjoying life and laughing and flirting and being WHO I AM...
Which is not someone that sits at home by herself on a perfectly good Friday night.
I cannot let this ridiculousness continue.
I am making my moves and soon I won't be wasting my Friday nights.
I promise.


Oh yea and in case you're wondering...I didn't have to pay for it.