itsanothercantsleeppanicvent

Pic from here.

Just one of those nights...
when I can't stop that endless stream of panic and worry through my head.
You know about everything and nothing.

Things that should be long forgotten about...
Like MrKent.
Like the feeling that once in awhile surprises me like remembering Spencer and wondering if that whole fiasco actually even happened.
Like wondering if Jacob should come to visit again (because of course I keep in touch that little bit like an awful security blanket I refuse to throw away).
Like Will.  And how I purposely messaged him today in the buddy nonchalant way we usually do...carefully avoiding any mention of what happened in Michigan or his ex.

Trying to quiet that emerald eyed girl inside.
Trying to quiet the jealousy.
Of friends who are happy...whose lives just have love...a partner who loves them.
It seems to just make all the stress in the world worth it.
And I want that.
So darn badly.

Maybe THAT love isn't in the cards for me.
But I have the smallest flicker flame of hope.
It has to do with a content quiet smile on my besties face when she barely whispered something along the lines of..."you know when people tell you the butterflies in the beginning don't last...they lie...it does"
And the feeling of hope in the bottom of my heart is there...somewhere deep down.

And just like that my mind flips to the next stress.
Work.
The immense pressure I put on myself yet still feeling like a failure.
Do I switch careers?  
Do I move to some other country?
Do I pursue something else?  
Am I doomed to not succeed at this?

The irritation.
Trying to plan out Canadian Thanksgiving (its in October and usually much suckier than American Thanksgiving which I love).
And finding out from my parents that they will be in Florida.
Disappointed.

The further irritation.
Texting my brother inviting him to Toronto for the weekend.
Haven't seen him since Mother's Day.
Having him text me back "Shouldn't be a problem.  I'll check what my girl is saying tomorrow k".

The confusion.
He has a girlfriend?
Ummm okay.
Tried not to be bothered by it.
Heck maybe I'll be one of those kind people that volunteers at a soup kitchen that day so as not to be ungrateful for all that I do have.

The realization why I'm bothered.
As my future fear runs a movie through my head.
The pictures I stream for myself.
Being a part of a wedding party where everyone is silently remembering my failed engagement.
Having to walk in front of my family.
The humiliation of pretending that my heart wasn't breaking at my brother beating me yet at something else (so far he's ahead with house, car, vacation time, popularity, etc,  why NOT true love).
The panic of the non existent yet entirely possible future.

I'm perplexed by things.
Many things.

Things like what the heck I'm doing with all this dating with all these different guys.
As I sometimes find myself almost an onlooker on these dates.
Like I'm along for the ride but not really there.
Not sure whether I continue or just stop.
It's so weird because its not like I'm trying to "find" someone...but sometimes it does feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Sometimes the fear grips me.
Am I doomed to be like a certain female relative.
That is sort of hard and abrasive and alone.
I really don't want that.

Being bothered by things that are out of my hands.
Like my friend Shelby coming into town again.
Asking to stay at my place Thursday night.
And the feeling of trying NOT to feel like she is being opportunistic.
She had a tendency to only contact others when she needs a place to stay in Toronto.
ie. she hasn't come to visit me once yet since I moved to Toronto.
Sort of a sentiment shared by the Waterloo girls.
But of course no one actually says anything.

The feeling of sadness because she tells me how she is staying at Eva's Wednesday night and how excited she is to catch up with her.
And the wonder if Eva will tell her how she hasn't seen me since July long weekend in Kingston...and before that the awful St. Patrick's Day.
And really how we aren't friends anymore.
And yet I'm somehow co-hosting her and Jane's baby shower with Val in a few weeks.

So these thoughts just cycle through my head.
At quite a quick pace.
And I just quiet them or fall asleep.

The hardest part is the unsettled feeling.
Like I'm somehow making a mistake.
But I'm not exactly sure what.
Just when I feel like I get my feet underneath I'm still just running in circles.

Gosh I hate nights like this.



Here's what I'm listening to in case you were wondering...

Doubt

Pic from here

I was just going to save this post in my drafts.
Because I get worried about what people will think a lot.
I want everyone to like me and think I'm great 
(total flaw that I'm slowly trying to work on)...
hence I thought I would at least post it for a little while.
My biggest fears include me not being able to sustain a relationship because of my feelings...the feeling that maybe I am a little "crazy" as Spencer said near the end.
I know I over think and analyze things...I'm hoping that is not impossible for someone to deal with.
So deep breath...here it goes...


I need to write about Seventeen.
But there was a dreaded feeling on seventeen.
Doubt.


Is there any worse a feeling?
Also let me preface this with an it's my fault/I'm probably exaggerating 
(I mean helLO this is me we are talking about).


Last night the first bits of doubt.
Him arriving late.
Not one compliment the whole night.
Which leads me to the conclusion that OBVIOUSLY he doesn't find me attractive.
And makes me mad at myself for wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


Sitting in a dark movie theatre...
hoping for a hand on the knee... 
arm over the shoulder...
any kind of touch really.


Myself anxiety ridden about this weekend that we are supposed to go to wine country.
Only the plans aren't finalized at all 
(ie. we don't exactly have confirmation of a place to stay).
No confirmed plans seems like not a big deal to him. 
He's pretty easy breezy that way.
But the lack of plans has me practically hyperventilating on the inside.


No walking me up to my apartment just a quick drop off in front.
No post date text message for the first time.
And I was full on freaking out.
And feeling awkward and uncomfortable.


I can't help but feel like he isn't interested.
Or perhaps for the first time a little bit of doubt.
Can he give me enough attention?
Should he have to?
Or is it my own insecurities I need to sort out to not need that kind of attention?


I hate to use the word fault because it isn't what I really mean.
But I think the above is sort of getting to...
Is it his fault?
Or
Is it my fault?
(Let's be clear and please know I usually come to the conclusion that it is my fault).


Now before we actually jump to these fast moving conclusions.
I should give you a few final details.


MrKent and I have had this conversation before.
He is hard to read...which I'm interpreting as his relationships usually end because women do not think he is interested.
Sort of like how I'm starting to feel.


But where is the line...where is disinterested?
Should every man when he meets the woman of his dreams instantly be infatuated and perfect and verbalizing so?
Are some men different?
Or does it just take the RIGHT woman to bring that infatuated side out?


This was part of the reason I fell so hard for Spencer.
I thought THIS is what is is like when you meet TheOne.
This is how he is supposed to treat you.
Tons of compliments, and wanting to spend every second with each other, and have you hands all over each other...makes moving across the world less scary 
(or at least seem so at the time).
BUT that turned out to not be the case ...so I'm left confused.


So something else that I didn't really mention...


MrKent was pretty sick yesterday.
He didn't go to work on Tuesday and pretty much slept the entire day.
When he picked me up for our date in my northeast end of the city I went in to kiss him.
He was like...I'm really gross and I don't want to get you sick.
And he was all coughey and congested and didn't sound great at all.


We went for dinner and then headed to the movies 
(you know the good stuff that I will write about in Seventeen).
I noticed he needed a ton of boy Kleenex (ie. napkins from concession).
In the movie he had a coughing/sneezing attack.
He sounded miserable.


When he dropped me off he said...yea I just don't like to get people sick.
When I joked about having a strong immune system.
He laughed and said...still I don't want to get you sick.


So maybe sometimes I need to stop thinking about ...ME.
And be a little bit more considerate.
Oh yea and also not go all crazygirl.

Being Bendy

Pic from here

Now I hope y'all weren't thinking dirty with the title of this post.
This is about plans and switching plans.
Not the late night antics of MrKent and myself.


Anywho.
One of the things I KNOW I need to learn about myself is to be more "bendy".
I suck at "bendy-ness".


My definition of "bendy"


-> being flexible with plans.


I am the total opposite of Bendy.
If I had it my way, my planner would be chiseled into stone.
I like plans and want everything to go exactly as planned.


Want to make me a super excited happy camper.
Send me an hour by hour itinerary. 
Yes I'm that much of a big dork.
I'm going to say this stems back to my high school competitive cheerleading days where the competition itinerary was given out and the hour by hour planning put my heart at ease.
Which is possibly why I also love school schedules etc so very very much.
If you didn't think I was a dork before now you know its irrefutable.  


BUT here's the thing I think I need to become more bendy.
Real life doesn't go by schedules set.
And I'm trying to be less rigid.
Because sometimes when you force plans through things actually break.


So most recently I'm trying to be more bendy.
I know when I talked about upcoming trips here I was so excited.
So obviously I was less excited when things seem to not be working out.


The July girl's trip to Chicago isn't going to happen.
When it came down to it we would basically be there for 2 nights getting in super duper late Friday to run around all Saturday just to leave early on a Sunday.
We probably wouldn't have enjoyed our trip at all.
So on the "bendy" side now cancelling Chicago will allow me take more time 
(and have more money) for my Labor Day trip to Dallas in the fall.


This weekend coming up is a long weekend in Canada.
We call it May Two Four 
(it generally falls around the 24th and usually involves a case (24) of beer).
I was supposed to be headed up to Ottawa.
Now Brooke and her daughter, and Jane are going to head to Toronto for one maybe two nights.
All in all this actually works better for me to allow me to get some work stuff done that I would have pushed to a later time.
Also it means I wouldn't be doing the 4 and a half hours long road trip alone up to Ottawa and then 4 and a half hours back...actually it would likely be a lot worse because it is a long weekend and the highway gets CRAZY because we essentially have one major highway here.
And not going to lie I'm excited because I may even get some time in with MrKent 
(they do have fireworks on Monday night and I'm a SUCKER for fireworks!)


So you see things can be great for bendy people.
I'm just trying to be one of them.

Scattered

Y'all I'm feeling totally scattered.
In that weird mixed up way of feeling relief over a big stressful week at work last week and the influx of emotions/stress of the fact of the constant work stress that is all part of it.
The stress that makes me seriously consider going back to school.
But that is mainly because I'm feeling so darn scattered.

Which means it's time for the most random blog post of all time.

I feel like I need to go back to completing MyExboyfriendProject.
But how to do it.
The same way you would eat an elephant...one fork at a time.
So I'm thinking trying to add one "chapter" per week so that I can at least get it done.
And below is some hilarious good advice...just saying...

Pic from here

I get to decorate "my room" in our families new Florida vacation home.
Here is the room currently...


So so so excited!
I'm thinking something SUPER preppy.
Perhaps Lilly Pulitzer inspired (after all I am on a budget y'all).
Perhaps things involving bows and stripes???
Any suggestions out there???
Here's the bedroom set I've picked out already because it was very "Floridian" to me.
I hope it's more white than in the picture.
And clearly it is super duper reasonable.
I also am hoping to trade out the dresser for a tall 5 drawer dresser because I'm not a huge fan of the attached mirror to the long dresser.


I love to match my shoes to my outfit.
Like here.

And recently I'm super obsessed with wearing cardigans with my dress shirts.
I feel like the way it blocks a line in the middle makes me look skinnier
I know I know I'm probably being silly but this is the way my weirdo mind works.

And I totally have a KimKardashian butt.
Seriously even in work dress clothes.
Seriously I totally have a shelf...see how my cardigan folds in in the back?!
Ridiculous!

I just looked over at my empty frames Taylor gave me (see here).
I so need to order pictures to put in them.
Maybe this weekend.
I totally suck at having pictures printed.
It also makes me want to organize a photoshoot.
Heck I know tons of people who do engagement photos etc.
So you know what I want to do.
Get hair and makeup done and do a bestie photoshoot.
Get pictures taken by someone who agrees to photoshopping my butt down a size or two haha.
Something I would love to use as a facebook profile pic and someone who is able to capture a bestie friendship very well on film.
How to make this happen???...

From this previous post

I had the WEIRDEST thought today.
Because I'm such an overthinking nerd.
I missed TheBachelor Canada castings/applications.
(Not that I seriously would go in...imagine US weekly breaking the scandle of Spencer etc).
Anywho my crazy thought of the day on why MrDentist perhaps disappeared....
I was thinking maybe he is the new Bachelor!!!!
Just saying and if that is the case ....holy moly and I have a time stamp on my prediction haha.

Pic from here

I mailed out Taylor's surprise today (that I talked about here).
I wanted to add some extras but I thought I could just send them at a later time instead.
Because I was too darn excited.
And I can only hope I didn't over-hype it (huge potential for this!)
We shall see.

I need to get of my butt and sign on to my EH account and get dating.
I'm just obviously for some reason procrastinating.

Will may come to visit this month!
So super excited to see him.
I wrote about him (here) if you don't know who he is.

I need to get a little more strict with my workouts.
Especially with a Florida trip coming up (yipes bathing suit!)
Need to have some renewed focus/energy there.

Could I be any more of a jumbled up rambly bunch of thoughts...
I think not.

Honesty

Why the heck am I wondering what MrDentist is doing tonight?!
Why am I contemplating texting him.
Then start to wonder if I should text him tomorrow.
Don't worry I won't.
Just letting you know what's going on in my head.
Sigh.

Valentine's Day Rant

Y'all I was (am?) the type of person who LOVED Valentine's Day.
I loved all the pink and red and mushiness.
The flowers, the candy, the cards and all that love.


Well...
Today I'm in a mood.
I feel like saying F*@% You Facebook pictures/status update.
Ohhhhhh look at me!!!! My boyfriend/fiance/husband is SOOOOOOOOOOO amazing and thinks I'm SOOOOOOOOO amazing.*
BLEH!


I also may just be a little cranky from feeling bloaty and gross.
DOUBLE BLEH!
Actually you know why I'm actually cranky?
Because I'm a hopeless romantic.
Walking out this morning I was secretly hoping...


I totally live in a dream world where I hope and dream and wish that maybe someone** 
...will surprise me with flowers.
Or really a text message.
Heck I'm so so mad at myself to be willing to accept such a 0 effort gesture.
Which is so not even close to being good enough!
And just in case you're wondering not even THAT was made.


This morning I was full of hope.
I even had a Valentine's Day outfit for work.
Please ignore the bloat.
Instead pay attention to my new favourite combo of baby pink and red.

Here are the shoes.
I'm so cranky right now I feel like even my feet are bloaty...gross.

And at the end of the day...reality sets in.
I'm eating leftovers from last evening dinner (more about that later).

Watching the Bachelor.

Alone.


So it actually makes me a little panicky.
I know if I continued to date MrAccountant he would have planned something.
I know if I continued to date MrEngineer/MrDoctor he would have taken me out for dinner (now I may very well have had to pick up the tab but at least I would be out tonight).
I know if I continued to date MrRussian he would have for sure sent flowers, and complimented me and planned something wonderful.
So did I make a mistake?!
Should I not have cleared all those dates I had lined up?
When I felt something there with him**


I get a little panicky when instead of a message from the person I want to get a message from...**
I get a message from Jacob.
Which of course you know I had to have a little fun with paint.
Today's message is at the bottom...seriously.

So it makes me panic a bit.
Is something better than nothing?
Is a little better than nothing at all?
And this is where I begin to slightly panic.


Especially because of things that still float in and out of my dreams...
comments like here (less than two weeks ago)***
or things like
'I never thought I would find even how smart you are to be such an attractive quality...'
I may have even heard at dinner last evening that he is 'trying not to fall for me'
Seriously are you also shaking your head.
Because I am.
I mean really WTF.


And I'm cranky and irritated.
So when I'm especially like this I head on down to the treadmill to pound out some kilometres (miles if you're American) I'm about to go do that.


I also play this little comparison game.
Where I wish I was in the next year ahead (hoping to maybe be in love and everything that comes with).
I look at a year back (where I was in Winterpeg barely noticing that it was Valentine's Day).
Looking two years back (where I was madly in love and at the time traveling in Thailand with my bestie, my brother and my fiance).
Looking three years back (where I was just freshly moved to Canada temporarily and had a fresh new romance that was kind of fun but mainly a distraction).
And then it becomes too annoying to continue to look back and I simply don't want to look back any further...


So I'm cranky.
A little bored.
And maybe just slightly contemplating sending in my application for the Bachelor Canada haha (seriously they are casting for the first season here).
Except can you imagine the scandalous US Weekly covers possible with my drama?!
So let's not even go there.
So don't mind me if I kind of want to flip off Valentine's Day just a little.

*Disclaimer- to my lovely friends who have posts/facebook pics etc.  Love ya and the fact that you have this in your lives...I'm just a little emerald-eyed at the moment!
**MrDentist
***So I'm probably totally overreacting like HUGE


Pics from here here when they aren't my own

Play by Play

So here is the most recent play by play dealing with MrDentist.
I last wrote about it on Friday (read here if you missed it).
Thank you for the awesome comments by the way.


So after not hearing from him at all on Thursday Friday he sent me this text message... 
Hey! Have a great trip!! I'm at the office today doing chart work.
To which I replied
Thank you I'm excited...only a few more hours to go!


And then nothing.
And I was off to Ottawa for the weekend (here).
To which I obviously talked to Val, Jane and Brooke about MrDentist.
To which varying opinions were given ranging from "he probably needs more reassurance that you are interested in him" to "he's just not that into you".


So at 3am Sunday morning I got this text from him...
"Hey!! About to crash...I've got a long day tomorrow and an early Monday.  Can do something during the week.  Spending the day with fam tomorrow.  You ladies having fun?"
To which we discussed over breakfast of how best to respond.
We decided to go with Jane's husband's suggestion of 
"Ok, I understand.  The weekend was great.  Talk to you later."
And I haven't heard from him since.
I also have not reached out to him further.


Ya'll besides feeling like a totally crazylady.
I alternate between being like...whatever! next!....there are a million fish in the sea...
All the way to...
I actually really like you and I'm disappointed you've bailed because I was excited to get to know you...and enough so to cancel every other date I had ...in fact I dropped the whole casual dating lineup!
I just don't know y'all.
Thoughts?


PS I may be having dinner tonight with the colleague's mistress...who happened to attend the boy's Vegas trip....may therefore have more information later.


Pic from here

Skip

I've been told I can kind of look like her (I know super compliment right?  Anywho this is from Honey one of my secret fav movies.  Only I get super annoyed that she doesn't see the incredible guy she has right there...anyway I'm just cranky.

This is a total vent post.
In fact I suggest you skip it.
Seriously.


So I leave today for Ottawa for a girls weekend.
I mean YAY right?!
So why am I not focusing on that and burning a killer roadmix for us?


Um because hi I'm annoyingly smitten with MrDentist.
Who returned from Vegas on Monday.
Who I hadn't heard from since last Thursday.
If you remember I was in FABULOUS New York City Monday into Tuesday.
A few texts on Monday occured.
A few on Tuesday.


On Wednesday knowing of my impending Ottawa trip this weekend he sent me this text message... "was hoping to see you.  Possible?"
Wednesday he called and we chatted a bit.
Only it was a little awkward.
He made a comment about "have you been on lots of dates" and myself after fumbling around asking him "why would you say that?" blurted out "I can't help it if people ask me out"...ummm what was I thinking?!
Maybe trying so hard to appear in demand?!
Ugh I suck.
Because he doesn't know that after spending a few times with him.
I cleared my entire roster just for him.


So we sort of made plans for Sunday.
He made some kind of suggestion for maybe doing something Thursday.
But it was too rushed and not enough time and so I just suggested we talk tomorrow and plan on Sunday.


I was also supposed to be in my hometown next following weekend.
But I don't really want to so I mentioned we could possibly do something then.
And we were going to talk about it Thursday.


So Thursday (yesterday).
I felt bad that maybe I was too aloof and too cool and maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
So I messaged him saying something along the line of I hope you are having a great day.  I'm excited to see you Sunday.
And...no response.


I tried to call him just after 10 and got his machine.
To which I did not leave a message.
(I hate leaving messages).


And I haven't heard from him.
Oh my how things have changed when good morning texts/calls came in regularly.
Maybe this thing was just a flash in the pan.
A spark that was so bright and brilliant and couldn't sustain without burning out.
I'm bummed.


And while I should just get back up on the horse.
Start dating again.
Focus on a fun girls weekend ahead.
But I'm having a hard time doing that because I'm kind of bummed.
And way over thinking things...

Pics from here

When promises aren't promises*

Hi.
My name is Teagan and I have a flair for the overdramatic.
As in right now.
As in I'm perplexed and pacing my apartment which means it's time for another round of way too honest and way too much detail and just writing it out on the blog.

It may just be one of those nights that if I was in Dallas.
I would turn up on Tay's door step with a bottle of wine and comfy clothes on just cause.
Now that makes it sound uber depressing (which it is not).
Just I'm perplexed and need a bestie to lean on.

So here it goes.
I totally am crushing way WAY to hard on MrDentist.
As in I need to get a grip and perhaps go on more dates with others.
Which I know seems so very counterituitive.
Ugh.

So last we left it I had a great Friday into Saturday.
Saturday was a rollercoaster.
I thought I was doing the mature and right thing letting him have his guy's night.
However part of me wishes I had tagged along (the selfish part of me that was bitter and irritated sitting at home on a Saturday night).

On Sunday I had a change of plans.
So I invited MrDentist to come by for a drink on his way home.
To which he didn't know how Sunday would go for him but said he was thinking he could visit Wednesday night* as on Thursday morning he was headed out to a guys trip to Vegas.
I (after consulting heavily with Tay) replied breezily "sounds great".

I didn't hear from him at all on Sunday.
But was greeted with a Monday 7:15am text of good morning and a soon to follow message of "can't wait to hear your voice" doubleswoon!
We texted back and forth most of the day.
I spoke to him for about 10 minutes before I suggested he talk to MissDentist (I though her boyfriend had flown out that day but I got confused with Tay). 
Then he texted me to say he had to call his dad next.
Then I didn't hear from him until the am good morning text today which included an explanation of him falling asleep on his ocuhc and waking up on it after midnight.

Which led to more flirty texts today.
On my way home I decided to stop at the grocery store to have some things here just in case.
Her is the funwithpaint proof.
Of my stocked fridge.
Seriously I'm either head over heels for this guy or I'm just a little bit of an overthinker.
I tried to illustrate my thinking behind each of these items.

I tried to call him at around 9:15pm.
He messaged me he was in a business meeting and may have to continue said business meeting tomorrow night :( and that is his unhappy face which pretty much matched mine.
Then a "call u soon".

Which was exactly one hour and eleven minutes ago.
Combine that with some unsettling home news (which is not for this blogs information).
And a little bit of stress for a last minute Monday/Tuesday overnight trip that I'm actually majorly stressing.
And I'm a stressball.
Seriously.

*I think I need to take a deep breath and realize that sometimes
when someone says something it isn't always promise.
Even if I want it to be.
Did I mention I am a tad overdramatic?!

Also the teeniest tiniest part of me then thinks about this mess of unanswered messages
from Jacob.
Did you really think he would stop?
Here they are in chronological order...

PS Thanks Tay for teaching miss this cool feature on the iPhone.
So a few things of the above messages.
#1 how about a round of applause for all the UNANSWERED messages (yay!)
#2 so WEIRD how he messages me over and over and doesn't try to call or anything else!
#3 have to admire his persistance
#4 one of those is a actually a quote from  a Gavin DeGraw song (see video below)

So it is now 10:50pm and more importantly MrDentist hasn't called.
I should just go to bed.
And pretend I'm not anxiously awaiting his phone call.
And try not to be disappointed if I just get a "good morning" text in the morning.
And not be perturbed that likely he isn't spending the night tomorrow.
Even if I thought he totally promised.
Sigh...

Dwelling, punishing and trying to sort it all out.

So apparently I'm not done dwelling yet.
This morning I drove into the downtown office
(I will be using public transport but I had a TON of stuff to bring into the office so I drove).
Traffic was crazy so I had tons of time to think.

And the more I tried not to think about MM.
The more I thought about him.
And I was infuriated as I played back bits of things he told me in my head.
And it made me more and more angry.

Here are the things I was thinking about (or the moments I replayed back in my head).
In no particular order.

• The moment we were out for dinner and he toasted Eva and her husband for getting us together.
• Being out to dinner with his friends and him saying "did you hear how we met?" to his two friends and then going into full detail about it (I wrote about it here).
• When I was apartment hunting (like 4 weeks ago) him telling me to upgrade my housing budget because he would take care of everything else (entertainment and food etc.) of COURSE this was not an expectation and I still stuck to my original budget (thank goodness!) but who says stuff like that and then does THIS?!
• Him offering for me to LIVE with him for these intermediate 6 weeks...4 TIMES.
• I remember him telling me "it is my job to make sure you LOVE Toronto" and "I can not wait for you to move to Toronto so we can see each other more often" and "I can't wait to just be together and go for walks together downtown" etc. etc. etc.
• And NOW he thinks our personalities do not mesh...REALLY?!?!?!?!
• But he thinks I'm an "awesome person"

So much for not being annoyed and moving past it.
Ughhh!
I feel the need to respond like Elle Woods in legally blond where she is moping in bed and watching movies and eating chocolate and yells LIAR! at the movie.

And yes I'm being over dramatic.
I so wish I just didn't care.

The worst part?
It makes me want to respond to Jacob.
I haven't... but I sure have been thinking about it.
I am giving myself a thumbs down at this very moment for thinking that though.

This afternoon I had to call Eva's work place for a question from someone I have met a few times she works with...Anna.
So we chatted about work stuff...and then Anna asked me...soooooo how's MM.
And I was like "not good".
She was like WHAT?!?!?! Eva said everything was going great.
I gave her the quick update ...yup it was and then he went MIA and then he gmail chat broke things off.

She then said "that makes no sense"...I agreed and then my quick update turned into a super longwinded whine/feelings dump to her (who I have met like 3 times only) how I was lonely and the girls are all out of country and I was finding it so hard here and it is so difficult to find girlfriends and I wanted to date (Eva told me before Anna was like super allstar dater type girl) and I wanted to know how to do that but I wanted to find new girlfriends more than wanting to date ...and I was just having a hard time adjusting...and then I apologized for unloading all my crap onto her.

And then she said the four most magical-unicorn-sparkly words ever...we should hang out.
So I jumped all much too eager at her...saying... THAT would be amazing!!!!!!!
Haha I hope I didn't scare away my new potential bestie.

So then I stopped by the library to determine what they needed from me to get a library card from here.
Turns out my drivers license MUST reflect the area/county where the library card is going to be from.
ie. My Texas Driver's license simply won't do. (I was waiting to switch it over until I moved to my new Toronto address to avoid having to change it over and over again). 
Sighhhh and all I want to do is borrow books!
I have bad luck with libraries (more about that later).

So then I came home and ate this for dinner.
Not exactly healthy ughhhhh.
Can we say stressed.

And then I did the 39 minutes of yoga (thank goodness I didn't do the 70+ ones because the 39 minutes killed me practically) because I was feeling guilty about dinner (see above).

Obviously home yoga...I'm too poor currently for real studio yoga.
Then my parents called.
And I made plans to have lunch with them on Sunday because they will be in Toronto.
Am I a glutton for punishment or what?

So that was my day.
How was yours?
Oh and I must say all of your incredible comments make me feel much less of a crazygirl and much better about being upset with how it all unfolded with MM so thank you.

Dwell Dwell Dwell fattyfattyboombatty

Okay I hope this is my last dwell.
I am for some reason SUPREMELY bothered by MM and his "abrupt disapperence".
(see previous post)
I don't get it.

How do you go from asking for someone to move in with you (albeit only for 6 weeks...and this totally had me FREAKED out...and that is why I declined in the nicest way possible 4 times!  Well and I was way more comfortable moving in with Eva and her husband...but really that is really here nor there).
How do you go from that...to straight up ignoring ...to a gmail chat rejection?!?!?!
I am so annoyed.

I am so annoyed because I don't understand people.
Maybe I do wear my heart on my sleeve.
But in general I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
And I hold probably too fiercely to it.

I have since I was little.
Call it fear of abadonement etc.
But I remember being 6 and asking my dad repeatadly if he said something...if he PROMISED something.
And I would hold him to it because I remembered everytime.

I understand people are entitled to change and grow but seriously have some compassion for me (someone who doesn't flip flop or change their mind about many things).
It has just seemed to happen a lot for me...abadonment.
And really the common denominator...me.
It is so darn frustrating.

I am so perturbed.
And you know what...running does not help.
I just started running again.

I was keeping it a secret in case I failed at that too...grrr.
It has been a long time since I've run.
Main motivation...

Watching Eva's wedding video and I think I look massive.
I don't think I've ever been this big.
I know what it is lack of activity and being a big stressball.

I hate the way I looked there and in pictures lately I find myself trying to find the right angle and sucking in with all my might.
My own issues.
But I also do bad mentally without exercise.

It all adds up to one big negative experience.
So run I must.
I thought I needed a new strategy.
Because I detest running.
It is not fun and maybe it is because I find it hard.
And really do you want to know when something is fun?
When you are good at it.

So I'm going to try and become good at running because it has always been a struggle for me.
So I did some searching and have read on other people's blogs about the Couch to 5K.
I started and today was Week 2 Day 2.
Verdict?


Pick from here

 Running still blows.
I hate every pounding minute of it.
I did make it easier by downloading an App onto the iPhone
(can we say obsessed much with Apps?)
Anywho...this app traces your route on a map and times you, and tells you when to run/walk (it is an interval program) etc.
Here are screen shots from this website.
To show you what it does.

For the record...I have yet to select the Smiley face when I run.
Today was hard because it is cold and rainy.
And when I read what other people run...I want to hang my head in shame.
I think I must be the slowest runner in the entire world.
I won't tell you my run pace or walk pace or distance but think of a number in your head and add like 5 minutes and subtract like 2 miles...so annoying.

And I also thought running cleared your head!
Ummm...heck no.
I have an endless stream of thoughts. 

like...ughhh it's rainy...why did I start the run parts on this uphill?  My feet hurt...at least I'm not as sweaty today as Monday...Okay this 90 seconds of running is okay and not as bad as I thought (being bumped up from 60 seconds)...I'm a total beginner...I wonder what you are supposed to do with your hands...I feel like I run sort of like Phoebe from friends...okay park time ...avoid all the goose poop...almost...turn onto another street and gosh the 60 seconds of walking is over again?!...maybe I should look at the ground less ...look ahead...is that...no...it can't be...oh my gosh that is total MM's car...yup it sure is...what is he doing in this neighbourhood he lives downtown...hmmm his parents do live in this general area...oh gosh he is backing out of that driveway...turn around turn around fast...increase running speed...oh my gosh...seriously?!  don't turn around and look over your shoulder ...don't turn around...dart down this street...what the heck???...thank goodness I'm supposed to walk again...I am always so happy when the dude says...walk...or workout complete...that was a close one...especially looking like this...not so awesome...I can't wait to get home...

So you can clearly see there is nothing about running that clears my head.
And how do I know that it is MM's car you may be thinking?
Without giving away what it is...
I have only ever seen this car twice.
His is gray and the only one I have seen ever in my life was blue...in Texas.
It is very distinct and instantly recognizable.
So much so that once we were out for dinner in Toronto and his friends played a joke on him and called him and told him his car was being towed...so he bolted out of the restaurant to check and they were all having a good laugh about it...because they had randomly walked by a street in Toronto (Canada's New York) and recognized it (by model because he has no like bumper stickers etc that would make it recognizable).
He was probably picking up his date.
I kind of have the feeling he is used to dating a lot.

I feel like a total lame nerdy person.
I want to be social again and go on a million dates.
And be this flirty vivacious person.
I have some friends that are SO SOOOO good at this.

I've never quite gotten it down.
MM was the first person I "dated" after Spencer.
Not the first person I kissed though...hello chef hottie...haha
Eva joked that her bachelorette and wedding were good times for me.
At the time...totally.

So anywho here are the things that I want to do in the next couple of weeks.
1. go on lots of dates (just have to figure out exactly how someone goes about getting dates).
2. make more girlfriends (I love my girls that are here but I think I need some of the single variety...and I need a much busier social calendar to be happy).
3. kick butt at work (I'm not at all right now).
4. stop thinking fattyfattyboombatty when I look in the mirror.
5. find a 5 K to run after this tortuous couch to 5 K program so that I do fully commit to it.

In the words of Drake...
I'm more than just an option...hey hey hey...refuse to be forgotten...hey hey hey
Don't know it...highly recommend it...the video is a little "rough" for my liking but its a way to hear the song which I love...

So moving running on...