swallow

Sometimes it takes everything inside me to just swallow it up.
Ignore the brutal jokes and conversations that the family has.
Ignore how utterly wrong I feel when they make derogatory and racist comments.

Like when my lazy brother refuses to pick up after himself and my father says, 
"what do I look like your (fill in the blank that makes me shutter and cringe)".
And it gets to the point where I finally say something.
And my entire family looks at me like I'm crazy.
And laughs off how I'm no fun and too serious.

Sometimes I guess it is just better to swallow my thoughts.
Things got a lot smoother that way...

It's not okay

I arrived in Florida on Saturday.
The flight was AWFUL because I had a bad sinus infection.
The pain was miserable for the entire 2 hours and 47 minutes.

A quick drive to our Florida house.
And a yummy barbeque lunch of burgers stuffed with cheese, bacon and jalapenos.
Before I passed out in a sinus cold and flu medication haze.

My family dined on lobster and steak while I had soup for dinner.
I basically didn't move the rest of the day and night finally heading to bed at 9.
My vacation was off to a pretty crappy start.

Sunday was much the same.
Lots of soup.
Lots of congestion.
Lots of quiet observation how some things stay the exact same.

Before I knew it it was today...Christmas Eve.
And I could feel the disappointment bubble up.
Because of how everyone is with the fam.
And as the days of constant contact turned into everyone getting a little snippier with each other.

There were conversations among my brother and parents about how "stupid" I was doing what I do (as a profession) and making so little money...because they all make double or more of what I do...I was like okay guys I'm right here!
I live paycheck to paycheck and they all laughed at me for it.
And just the MEANness of it all was heart breaking.

And I was bothered.
Bothered because everyone laughs because my brother is lazy and irresponsible and drinks all day.
And its okay because its just him being him.

Bothered because my mother's response to everything comes back as in yells and screams.
It's her way or the highway and we are "stupid" or "retarded" if we don't immediately respond.
Bothered that she yells at us for everything.
And its okay because its just her being her.
She bullies everyone.

When I asked if it would make sense to buy a hamper at Target so that I had a place for my dirty clothes in my room.
It was met with "you so bloody retarded.  NO!  There is a fucking hamper in the laundry room".
I had it.
I could not longer take it.
So I screamed back at the top of my lungs, "STOP IT.  NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SCREAMED BACK AT.  IT WAS A QUESTION!  YOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH!  STOP YELLING AT EVERYONE!  IT'S NOT NORMAL"

Of course she screamed back at me that it was her normal voice.
But she was pissed!
And every since yesterday she has been quiet and not really responsive.
And she cancelled us going to Disney ...again.
As punishment.

But I'm tired of the behaviour.
The behaviour that I'm NOT okay with.
It's like it is okay to be a jerk and rude because that is someone's personality.
I'm sorry I don't think it is.
It simply is rude and jerky.
And I am not okay with that.

I get it that I don't fit with my family.
I'm just exhausted with the rude behaviour.
In all reality it is just something I can only tolerate in small small doses.
Please remind me the next time I think of doing something like this that the max time with the fam is 4 days tops.
It's going to be a long 9 more days.

to the rescue...

Pic from here

So my dad called me last night.

And said that he thinks we should go to Victoria and Albert's for dinner.

And he's excited to go...

AND he suggested we go to Disney for the Day before and stay in a Disney hotel like we used to when I was little.

And insisted on giving me his credit card to book it.

And I know my mom is sitting there listening...

And its very likely because it was realized how my mother went nutso and horribly mean this night...

but of course she can't call me to admit that.

Ughhhh family drama!

I love my dad though...and the thing that kills me is that going to Disney/Universal is how we do the best as a family 

(like at Easter when I was in Florida).

Just is unfortunate that my mum treats me like that first...

Love my dad...we are two peas in a pod...my brother and mother run the same over the top emotionally. 

So funny.

How I can go to bed one night completely hurt and sad.

And here comes my dad to the rescue once again and sets everything right.

My dad is the kindest and most patient person I know.

I just hope I am more like him.

Highs and Lows

Coming off the lack of sleep last night.
How excited was I to head to a girls night with the CanadaCrew girls.
5 of us and Vietminese Pho at a place on Spadina called Pho Hung.

I'm going to pretend that I wasn't a little perturbed at Laurel who insisted we change the location.
And then she didn't show up.
Granted she had a perfectly good work excuse.
So I tried to just let it go.

It wasn't a crazy night like this.  But we had lots of laughs and fun.  Pic from here

And I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
I was so so happy.
Finally feeling like I'm getting my groove and making new girlfriends.
We are also going to do a bookclub during these cooler months.

I practically skipped downtown all the way to my car.
Then I made the mistake...

Then I called my parents because I had made dinner reservations on July 6th with the thought that we just might be celebrating Christmas in Florida.
To one of my bucket list restaurants...Victorias and Alberts in the Grand Floridian (@ Disney).
As in I made a reservation on July 6th for December 29th and I still didn't get my prefered table!

So being that it is in Disney and my parents place is in Delray Beach...I called tonight to suggest we get a hotel there (about 3-3.5 hours away).
Only my mom BLEW up at me.
Saying I NEVER said it was at Disney (ummm I know I did).

Then she informs me that now in our little Florida house not ONLY is it going to be my parents, my brother and me (as I was originally told)...4 people 2 bathrooms one living space = already being in everyones face a little much especially because I was going from the 22nd-1st.
But NOW its going to be my uncle and his 4 kids and my grandma too. 
Please add that up...now its 10 people...2 bathrooms.

And since I did (mistakenly already screwed up the date of my dinner reservation I said it was the 26th but as I checked my email now it is on the 29th)...my parents are like cancel it.
This is the ONE activity I wanted to do over Christmas.
My mom then yelled at me that I was being a brat and that they didn't want to go now.

Pic from here

Of course than I was irritated because of all the extra house guests.
You've GOT to be kidding me.
I know what this means...I will be sharing my bed with my grandma for sure and just there will be no escape from everyone. 
So I maybe said, "okay well maybe when they are there I will head to Miami to stay with a friend".

To which my mom blew up at me and yelled at me saying that I don't give a f*ck about family and I always put my friends first and they just screw me.
Ummm okay.
To which I got so mad....I mean really.
I may have said I will change my flight because that is not relaxing for me to spend my only vacation jammed in a house with 10 people.
To which my mum siad I was being a high maintenance brat and it was my FAMILY.

She also then screamed at me for the money they spent on my flight and I was ungrateful.
And that I think they just have all this money floating around when they don't.
Please keep in mind my parents are going to Florida THREE times between now and Christmas.
This is the cycle of guilt and punishment that does seem to rear its ugly head.
It hasn't happened for awhile so I thought maybe just maybe it had passed.

I am now FUMING.
Ummmm guess what I'm not close with my family.
And if you knew how much my "family" screwed over my parents it is really quite laughable.
AND hello what about Thanksgiving???
I will be spending it ALONE here.
Since family is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO important.

I'm literally so livid and now DREADING this Christmas vacation.
What the HECK did I get myself into.
I can't even describe how angry I am.
With that I'm going to munch on the chocolate one of the CanadaCrew girls brought back from her recent work trip to Switzerland.

The Secrets and Lies of the Sawyer Family



Obviously I'm going to use a reality show reference...ever see High Society??? I LOVED it and it painted the exact picture of my relationship with my mother...to the T!




And in this case I would be Tinsley...love her!



Okay I’m probably being a little over dramatic about things

(so sue me I have my period and yes I totally just used that over dramatic excuse).

So to say my fam isn’t the closest isn’t an exaggeration.

So here are the fun things that have happened lately.

I also need to do a post on the whole wedding mirror story…which will come out in a post with pictures I promise!

So remember the fun pick up from my Ottawa/Kingston/Toronto weekend trip when my parents picked me up from the train station (its here if you don’t remember).

Anywho so basically I don’t talk to my parents about stuff mainly because of the following:

#1: they have the most pessimistic negative outlook ever of any situation

#2: what they want me to do (live in my hometown) and what I want to do (live pretty much as far away from my hometown as possible given the circumstances) does not mesh at all

#3: my mum’s words cut like a Griffindor Sword (sorry my obsession of HP is leaking into posts)…the only way that could get nerdier would be if I referenced how its laced with Basilik venom or something like that

#4:  everything they do comes with strings attached

#5:  they like to rub salt in wounds…especially when things work out “just as they thought” and maybe I should listen to them for once so I wouldn’t “continuously fail”

So…I avoid discussing things with them.

For example, I would NEVER ever tell them I’m dating again.

I would never talk about MM to them.

Because I have not suffered/been punished enough from the Spencer situation.

I need to learn my lesson and be by myself because “Teagan be by yourself because it will be very difficult for you to find someone to want to stay with you”…(told you those words cut deep).

So I keep to myself.

I steadily scrimp and save and make my plans slowly but surely to move away.

I have found a job (and hopefully a place to live) all on my own.

I’m leaving the toxic environment that is my hometown.

When I signed the contract two days ago I called my mum to tell her.

Her response “You didn’t tell us you got a job”

Me bitting my tongue… “that’s why I’m calling you mum to tell you that”

Her response “where?  In Toronto?”

Me “yes”

Her “well we’ll see what happens…” (she told me before she gives me 90 days before everything crumbling and my eventual return to my hometown).

“Okay I just thought I would tell you.”

You see the few times I try to reach out its like getting bit by a rattlesnack.

Remember the yoga classes fiasco (read here)???

So I will keep to myself but…

I wonder where I learned it from.

Yesterday one of my dad’s employees came to the front reception and said “your dad’s car is so cool”

This left me puzzled…you see I currently drive my dad’s car because my dad drives my brother’s (who can’t legally drive at the moment).

So I just kind of nodded.

Then it comes out 2 MONTHS ago my dad bought a vintage car to restore.

I heard it from a random employee…awesome.

Also this week…with the move upcoming I currently have a double size mattress.

I’ve been wanting to upgrade to a queen because all the linens I have are Queen sized from when I lived in the US.

My parent had a bed frame with no mattress that was double sized.

So I told my dad for the past two months…don’t buy a new mattress you can have this one and I will buy a Queen mattress...not going to lie I also secretly hoped they would contribute to the mattress purchase...seeing as they furnished my brothers ENTIRE three bedroom house!

Yesterday my dad left work to go pick up a new double size mattress from a store.

I was bewildered…seriously??? When I asked my dad he said he just forgot.

Then he said they were having people over so they needed the mattress.

Ummm I’m a week away from moving to Toronto…seriously I would have slept on my air mattress instead.  When I asked them who was coming over…he didn’t want to answer  (weirdness all around)…and if it’s a big party or something clearly I wasn’t invited…which wouldn’t be the first one I wasn’t invited to and then found out about later from my cousins etc.

He called my mum who then spoke to me and said “well Teagan if you insist on keeping secrets from me then I what do you expect.  If it has to do with the house then you should talk to me.”  Ummm okay I thought my parents communicated and I work with my dad daily which is why I told him...it wasn't some conspiracy to keep her out of the loop.  And really I WAS NOT KEEPING SOME BIG MATTRESS SECRET!!!! I WAS TRYING TO BE HELPFUL!  I wanted to shout this but I’ve learned a long time ago that sometimes it’s easier to keep my mouth shut.

It makes me angry though.

That I’m accused of not talking to them (which I’ve tried to explain is because it is instantly met with puts downs and negatives…I have started conversations before with “please just let me tell you something and if you don’t have something nice to say just don’t say anything”…but it doesn’t work) is frustrating.

And they do the EXACT.SAME.THING. so why is it such a big deal.

The truth is I’m not happy with how things are with my family’s relationship but I’m not sure I can change that.

I feel more love and comfort from my girls as my “family”…I feel “good enough” around the girls.

I had hoped with Spencer that I had found my “family” too but I didn’t.

I hope to one day find that with someone…someone that will stick by me and be by my side..clearly with Jacob and Spencer I have abandonment issues.

This move to Toronto could not come soon enough.

Back to the Blog

it's unusual for me to be away.
And to not have posts in advance.
But I slacked...oopsie.

So much to catch up on.
Including but not limited to (I'm such a dork)...

• Job Interviews (yup with an S)
• Ottawa Trip
• Toronto Trip (yes in the same weekend).
• A Lululemon Bridal Shower.
• Dress shopping (turns out that long dress here wasn't doing it for me).
• Lecture from the Fam (what long weekend would it be without one).
• Train rides from hell.
• Scoring a number or was it my number was scored?
• PeptoBismol Shots in a bar (not taken by me obviously).
• Chewing on contacts.
• Bridesmaids movie review.
• Books on tape.
• The 'brary Drama.
• Yesterday was the 24th...lots of significance will explain later.

Gosh so much has happened so I will work on updating it all.

But in fun distracting celebdramagossip KimK news (because she can make me feel better about so many things like my curvy figure and she had a failed first marriage).
She apparently got engaged! (curb the emerald eye girl action... and just be happy for her is what I'm going for... besides how can you be envious of someone you totally don't know? Bizarre right?)
Anywho...big congrats out to the BEAUTIFUL Kim Kardashian soon to be Humphries.
Because though my emerald eyes may shine... the truth of the matter she gives me hope for my (body/lovelife/success) future.

Off to blog some posts!



Pics from imnotobsessed.com

Retail Therapy

So in a weird dejavu flash back moment.

It had been a rough week.

My mum had been in super dramamama form and I was feeling beat.

So my dad on Friday turned to me and handed over the credit card saying...

"Teagan why don't you go shopping...really treat yourself, get some new clothes".

And believe it or not I did take a second to think about it.

Then I thought about how EVERY time before my brother goes away on a trip or vacation (2-3 times per year)  he goes and gets "vacation clothes" on my parents dime.

While I scrimp and save for clothes and rarely shop (now).

And as I was thinking of this...I thought...why NOT.

Why do I keep punishing myself when it is being offered like this?

Well I know why I usually don't.

Because these things tend to come with heavy duty strings chains attached.

Except...

Except when my dad offers his specific credit card 

and I know it is because it is his way to try and give me some relief 

from being given such a hard time from my mum.

 

So Saturday morning I got up and put on a comfy shopping outfit...tights/tanks/grandpa cardigan/boots/and scarf and headed off to go shopping.

Here is my obligatory MODG toilet shot.

AND yes I do think everything is better with pockets!

Random blather-ey side note...I love bags from stores...especially stiff thick bags that make you feel important while carrying them.  I know this is a rather screwed up and materialistic way to look at things but I love the feeling of swinging an armful of beautiful shopping bags.  I wonder whose job it is to design shopping bags?  I wonder if there is a special school for that?  Anyway I LOVE the lobster on the Old Navy bag ...it makes me think of summer :)  SO moving right along...

The loot...here we go.

At first I thought I needed to stock up on some basics. 
Like camisoles that I love to wear under dress shirts (especially because my brothers dryer had a penchant for chewing the straps on mine).

Then some bras...I buy the same kind because I sure do love them.

I think I most love the pretty patterns on the inside.

Really can it get better than animal print and polka dots?

The next basic I got was a black open cardigan. Made of a really soft thin cotton.

Then a thicker one that is basically the same as my gray one that I wore shopping that I practically live in because it is so darn comfortable...and it has pockets!

Then I knew I had to be semi responsible and pick up some things I could wear to work.

I am going to preface this with that I usually hate dress shirts.

I think they make me look like a boy.

I just don't think they are very flattering.

On a boy = super sexy.

On me= awkward!

But none the less I've been searching for some.

The criteria is that they couldn't be low cut (and I was surprised how many are...as in if you bend over you can see right down = not so good on the job!)

The other thing is I wanted a good quality one that would be of good enough quality that it wouldn't look worn out after three washes.

Enter the Banana Republic Monogram non-iron button up shirts.

And because they seemed decent I picked them up in black sateen.

Classic White Cotton.

And a blue striped.

Then a bright summery silk ruffled top. 

A silk top in blues and greens that felt really fresh.

A cardigan (I love cardigans!) that I could layer with the top above or...

This cute dress below...I'm totally blanking on what this pattern is called right now.

And yes I realize that brings the dress count up to 19 but I'm such a "dress" girl.

This long strapless dress I thought would be perfect for walking around paired with some fun jewelry.

This short dress could be paired with tights and my riding boots in the cooler months and super cute strapy sandles in the summer. (Yes I know nineteen and twenty!)

So really that was it.

I do have to say I'm super proud that I stuck with what I sort of needed (minus dresses oops!)

I didn't buy any new shoes/bags/accessories which I don't really need.

And I don't have the guilt of just getting whatever.

I really paired it down and edited and eliminated a ton out.

So that is how I spent part of my weekend...total retail therapy.

Thanks to my dad.

(This is where I would have put a screencapture pic
of when Carrie accidentally finds the box of her Wedding Dress
in the first Sex and the City Movie but I can't find it.)

And I'm just so frustrated and upset right now.
After spending 2 hours on Tuesday helping my mum on the computer.
She called yesterday night to have me switch things with a Kijiji ad (which is like Craigslist).

She literally wanted to READ me line by line on what to change.
Then she had me call them for a different ad she had tried to do and didn't seem to post...
so I spent another 2 hours last night doing those things.
So last night I told her it would be faster and easier if she just did them on her computer herself.
I do admit I was trying to get out of doing it.
I'm just annoyed that my parents can run companies but claim they can't email or post an ad on craigslist.
I feel like telling them ...look I never took a class on how to "learn how to use email" or "how to use craigslist" I just TRIED and it is self explanatory and therefore you teach yourself.
I never had a magical ability to understand computer things...I feel like I'm really not very technologically savvy myself.   

Anyway.. today she called me at work to b*tch me out tell me
I should just do the 4 other Kijiji ads (she needs done) based on what she can tell me over the phone.
And that I was being a brat for not being excited or wanting to do these things because they do so much for me (true but with chains attached *which is way stronger than strings in case you are wondering). 
AND she then dropped the bomb.
After all she " had to pick up YOUR useless wedding dress yesterday"
I don't know if it was the wedding dress or the useless part that hurt more.
I just know I'm blinking back tears that are poking my eyes like hot pokers right now.

Loose Ends and Tight Beginnings

Hmmm my title sounds kind of dirty but I'm going to roll with it.

Sometimes I don't want to devote things to long drawn out posts  (I said SOMETIMES).

Who know I could always change my mind.

So here goes the tying up loose ends...

• Finishing up the packing/organization/spring cleaning slotted for this weekend (doing a little bit every day but anticipate that this weekend I will finish it all...maybe a post for that).
• Mother's Day Dinner our on Monday (because my mum went away for the weekend with my dad)...and it went okay even though there was complaints about it.  Though I'm not sure how you can complain when my brother and I dropped $432 +15% tip on dinner...guess there will be complaints either way.
•  
• I will be attending Eva's wedding solo at the end of the month...my buddy Will can't come partly because of Memorial Day but I also think majorly because of his gf ~fair enough.
•  
• Eva wanted to introduce me to a friend of her fiance's at the wedding so she was happy that Will wasn't coming with me UNTIL this friend of her fiance's RSVP'ed with a wedding date...bummer!
•  
• Eva thinks there are 4 people going solo to this wedding our age...4 (me, Val, Shelby, and Brooke) therefore this girl won't be participating in any wedding make-out debauchery...double bummer!
•  
• 40 days of yoga pass ran out...I learned mommy and me activities are best left for others.  I only hit 18/40 days which is rather discouraging.  But I guess I could look at it that each hot yoga class only cost $2.22/class which is AMAZING and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing all 40 days.
•  
• To make things easier I have made a box for Spencer's stuff so I don't have to linger or keep bumping into it and it will be easy to burn return to him later.
•  
• I still haven't heard from Spencer but am stuck on what to do.  I still want him to do the divorce on his end just because it is cheaper and really he should do SOMETHING because he wanted to end it all.  Will thinks I should call him daily until I talk to him...I'm not so sure.
• Last night I spent two hours trying to help my mum put ads on kijiji and check her email...it was frustrating because my parents sometimes feign lack of understanding when they don't want to do things themselves...annoying.
• I am so ready to be done working at my dad's place...it is just boring and stagnant and not my passion BUT has enabled me to save some money (and be able to blog and basically do what I want) so I really can't complain I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Tight (tight=awesome and new) beginnings

• Applied for 5 jobs in the TDot today (including a DREAM job)...fingers crossed.
• My mum called and LITERALLY wanted to read me changes so that I could change things on kijiji ad for her...I told my mum she needs to learn how to do kijiji ads and check her email (I have provided her HAND WRITTEN instructions)...she is pissed but this needs to happen.
• Talked to Will today on the phone for an hour and it was great to catch up with my best friend from graduate school.  He is planning on coming to visit (it is only about 2.5 hours from his city to mine though it does involve a border crossing).  However, he wants to bring the gf (and how could I say no right?)  Despite the fact he is ONLY a friend and there has never been anything between us I'm a little bummed that he is bringing her (can't pinpoint why I just am).
• Will almost kicked my butt for (still...well only until the 24th-read here about that) talking to Jacob...he said "Teagan you HAVE to stop talking to him he has been nothing but a liar and a scumbag with a FIANCEE and has never done anything right by you...go make-out with random chefs or something but really you are wasting your time and heart with this douchbag."  Now you know why Will was my best friend in school haha.
• I have phone interview tomorrow for some temp work (not having anything to do with the 5 jobs I applied for today) in my career...kind of nervous for it but excited.
• Hair highlighting Friday :)
• My brother is going to Vegas for 5 days on Friday...which means I will have the whole place to myself all weekend!  He isn't worried about me having a party or anything he was teasing me that maybe I would have a bookclub meeting or something haha.
• Might return to the library again this weekend and get some good books.
• I'm trying to figure out a better way to organize MyExBoyfriend Project.  Also am trying to figure out if I just pick a day a week to contribute because sometimes writing is sad and draining (obviously the Spencer chapters especially right now when they all the good times and the falling in love and it is still kind of recent)...maybe I will alternate Spencer chapters and older chapters...any suggestions are welcome.

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the brink of change?...I'm right there I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to have some big huge changes...there is a charge or anticipation in the air...I'm ready to bust through the inertia of suckholeness and move on to getting back to myself.

Pic from here and here

Mother's Day Musings

It's Mother's Day here (I do recognize some countries celebrate on different days etc).
I won't see my mum today.
Not because I'm an evil daughter and am refusing to celebrate it.

We've had our ups and downs...and in general I crumble.
I even substituted for her and her spa yesterday so she could go away for the weekend to Niagara Falls with my Dad (hence not seeing my mum on Mother's Day).
Despite all the craziness that has been happening lately, I sucked it up.
And I will try to ignore that everytime I work there she takes without even asking I give her 100% of my paycheck.

My only living grandparent (my Grandma) is in Portugal on vacation.
So this Mother's Day I will spend cleaning and organizing (Yes I'm STILL working on all that that I think I first wrote about here).
I was STUMPED for Mother's Day after all I had a hard enough time with her birthday gift (read about that here).
So I just made reservations at a restaurant downtown that I think is AMAZING for Monday night.
I hope she likes it...though I know not to hold my breathe.

Happy Mother's Day out there to everyone.

PS On a side note...every day gets a little easier without Spencer though I would like it to be resolved as soon as possible (haven't heard from him at all even though he was supposed to file on May 1st)...this morning thinking of Mother's Day I got a little pit in my stomach.  Only last year,  Spencer (of his own volition) called my mum to wish her a happy mother's day...I didn't even THINK of doing this for his mum (I know bad new daughter-in-law)  my excuse was I was 2 days away from moving back to North America from Asia and I was freaking out a little stressed.  This makes me feel sick...how much everything has changed in just one year...but I guess it should give me hope for how different perhaps 1 year from now can  will be.



Pics from here

I'm going to suggest you skip reading this post...for your own sanity...here comes the Mack Truck...

I feel like this guy...

So notice at the top explanation thingy for the blog that I would use this to journal to cover my STRUGGLES and other things…as I get to my Paris (which is a euphemism for me being successful and achieving what I want…though I trip to Paris wouldn’t hurt (and is on my top 10 list of places to go next). 

The rest of this will very much read like a vent.  I am mainly journaling/blogging this so I can look back and remind myself of these events so I can learn my lesson (because at 29 clearly I haven’t learned it yet). 

Last night my parent came over to my brother’s house (and if you haven’t figured it out I have been living there since about October).  They were coming over because they bought a new house within the last couple of months.  It is one floor house that they rent to my Aunt and they converted the basement (fully finished into a 2 bedroom one bath rental unit).  Anywho they wanted me to put it on Craigslist etc. to try and rent it out.  Since my dad still types an entire email in the subject box they came for me to do it.  I already have been feeling pretty sick and under the weather since last weekend and this weekends lack of sleep didn’t really help (oh yea I am working on a weekend update too)…wow I’m really dragging my heals on getting the point of this story out.

So I type it out and update pictures for them all the while they look over my shoulder because they have to have it a certain way which leaves me inside my head thinking…well why don’t you figure it out and do it yourselves because I know whats going to happen people are going to respond via email to your ad and you will have to have me log onto your email in order to respond.  But since I carry the ulcer-inducing guilt around of being a total utter failure as their child I do it and keep my mouth shut.  So after taking over an hour to complete a simple ad (seriously).  I’m finally done…then comes the attacks…

I have some tax checks coming in for a HST (our 13% harmonized sales tax) refund because (shocker) I didn’t make enough money last year so the government feels kind of bad gouging me like that. 

Anyway so my mum says, “I have this cheque for you and I think you should give it to me”

I inwardly sighed and readied for battle.

“I can’t afford to do that mum”

“You are being so selfish and you give us hardly anything I need our money”.  Woah where did that come from…it certainly escalated a lot faster then I thought.

“Well I told you before that I can only afford to give you 20% of my income because of my lawyer expenses/moving expenses/test taking/professional expenses and you were okay with that before.”

“Well I don’t know where all your money goes…you make X dollars every week and I only get 20% you will never pay me back what you owe me and that is selfish and irresponsible”

Well without getting into ALL of it I will try and simplify…my parents offered to pay for my entire education.  Then they changed their mind (after paying).  So pretty much they let me know this past year by hauling out a black book they created (oh there will be a post about that!) and arbitrarily scrawling a dollar amount in it ($216,000 to be exact) they have now started “collecting their debt” because they want to retire soon.  So fair… maybe I am just a spoiled brat.  However, I honestly feel like they did something and then when I didn’t do what they wanted (move back to my hometown and open a business there and live there) they threw it in my face and started making demands.  I admit it I have crumbled and starting doing it (contributing to them) as soon as I started working at my dad’s place and even going as far as letting them have power of attorney on my bank accounts to access money (I know it is stupid and I’m working on closing those accounts off).  Sorry for the tangent-ey side story but trying to make it all make sense.

“Mum I can’t really talk to you about this because I don’t know how to keep explaining the same thing over and over again to you.  Nothing has changed…here is what I spent my money on and I broke it down AGAIN for her (2009 taxes,2010 taxes, paying back ALL the wedding deposits (that my parents had previously paid), and divorce lawyer consultation).  Nothing has changed and I’m sorry but honestly this is the most I can do.”

“You are ridiculous and we can’t even talk to you about anything because you just get upset.  If I was any d*ck down the street you would l*ck my ass and hand over information on a silver platter.  But to your own bloody parents you don’t give a shit”

Need a mum dictionary for that one???

Most of my North American friends don’t get her sayings so…

D*ck down the street = Joe Blow= any old stranger

L*ck their a$$= kiss a$$ but obviously way more intense than that

Okay at this point I’m crying.  I don’t tell “any d*ck down the street”/people my “plan” I make up lies so that I gloss over my decisions.  No one knows what I’m doing for my plan.  But I have to make some kind of conversation when people ask (I work with like 20 family members).  So I gloss over my opportunities and make it sound like I’m keeping it together when all I am doing is barely hanging on.

Every morning in the shower I honestly just sob about going into work again and putting a smile on my face.  Pretending that everything hasn’t fallen apart.  Pretending I’m not the hugest disappointment to my family.  Just saying I only have to get through today and I will be one step closer to tomorrow.  Every day here in my hometown is a struggle that I suffer through.  (Again I realize everything is about “choices” and I’m choosing to stay here in a sense because I have a job and don’t pay rent).

So I reply “I guess I can’t talk with you…there is no secret plan.  If I had all this money to give you I would or I would have used it to move to Toronto MONTHS ago.  I’m trying to do the right thing and pay you.  If you want that refund cheque then why do you even bother telling me about it.  Then just take it.”

“You are disgusting and selfish…I can’t believe you act this way to your parents…you never listen to us and this is how your life turns out.  Go to Toronto you will never survive and you will be cut off…permanently and when you fail and have to come back here we won’t help you AGAIN because you are the one that doesn’t listen and you just f*ck up every time”

This felt like having an ice cold bucket of water dumped over my head…and I couldn’t breathe for a moment and I blinked back the hot tears thinking keep them in Teagan.  And all I could muster in my defence was “I’m really trying my best and I’m sorry you think it is a mistake after mistake…”

With that they stood up to leave "I can’t believe you…you know when people ask me at work what your plan is…I have to tell them I don’t know because my own daughter doesn’t talk to me.  You know Bella tells her mom everything and does everything with her and you are a spoiled brat who keeps secrets”

I felt my heart sink…didn’t she see that with the Yoga classes that I was trying to bond with her?  Every time she talks to me she is the most negative person in the world.  She obsessively criticizes everything… why would I talk to her about my plans when she just tells me that my plans are stupid and wrong and I will fail.  So then they gather their things and leave and her final words “good luck with life you will need it.”

Oh yea and if you’re curious of what my dad does during this he stands silently and observes.

Which is what I'm learnign to do...just absorb it ...don't bother to defend just take it.

I sat in my room with my dog on my lap and sobbed.

I can’t do it and what is the point.

I’m getting whiplash from the back and forth’s of my mum.

Only to have it turn around this morning to have her call and move my hair appointment (where I talked about that here) non-challantely  from this Thursday to next Friday (I know I KNOW I should just cancel it).  And then ask me to respond to the three emails inquiring about the rental unit.  So what do I do?  I agree to it because I suck and this is the pattern (that I allow to happen).  So you see I am actually the problem not my mum because I let this go on...how about that for a revelation?! 

So I'm officially insane...and that quote about "doing the same things and expecting different results= insanity" is what I'm doing.  Which is why this past Sunday Val and I came up with a Teagan year/life plan.  Seriously it is a huge plan and I’ve been working on a HUGE BIG EXCITING NEWS blog post all about it.  Which was completely overshadowed by my dramamama, yet at the same time, confirmed the reason to do this plan.

This morning I feel like I got run over by a mac truck.  I wanted to pull the covers over my head and call in sick today at work (but then I won’t earn any money (I don’t get sick days) and that is very counterproductive).  So I need to just thicken my skin a little more …suck it up a little more…keep my head down and keep going. 

I don’t want to ruin my exciting plan by delving into right now…

I’m just going to try and stick to it and keep trudging (and blog about it another day). 

Pic from here, and here