**If you are looking for MyExBoyfriendProject it is the Right side.** Those who know me know my love for things pop culture and reality tv. I love a good heroine and girl who comes out on top...because I want to. Once a girl named Lauren chose a boy over an intership in Paris. I have made similar misguided mistakes...but Lauren made it to Paris (a year later). I hope to make it to my Paris (both literally and not). Here are my struggles, wants, wishes, hopes and fears as I make it there.
Totally feel like I'm on autopilot. As per usual a feeling of unrest. Ever feel a half beat behind? It reminds me of being able to spot cheerleaders (my sport of choice) if they were "cheating" and following teammates choreography...super easy to pick up on because they were always about half a beat behind. Only it sort of feels like that is happening to me in real life. As I'm slugging through this job. Dating/not dating/sort of dating. Seeing old friendships melt away/new ones develop/finding my groove but not finding my groove... Watching everyone else's lives HAPPEN. The countless foray of birthdays/baby showers/engagements/weddings/etc. (I'm pretty sure I'm using foray incorrectly but it sounds right at this moment). The things that seem to be happening for everyone else (but me). Doesn't help this morning that one of my old flatmates from Singapore facebooked me to invite me to his wedding...in 19 days. With the lovely reminder "you promised you would come to my wedding". I also figured I would have more than 19 days notice to get to the other side of the world! Nevermind the last minute flight cost is hovering around the $3000 mark and would involve me flying out 8amish on a Thursday arrive at 6:20pm on a Friday...wedding Saturday and having to leave Sunday at 11:30pm and arrive back Monday at 12:10pm...I would officially spend more time in the air then on the ground! I honestly wouldn't think twice if I had the money but between my Kate Spade splurge's in Dallas and being a little social butterfly...I'm stretched super thin financially...them's the breaks when you are flying solo. But the guilt I feel...sucks. Along with the slight emerald eyed twinge of when the F*CK will it ever be my turn. I'm in a totally pissy mood. Which is NOT very becoming. Something's got to change...
And I leaned into him and rested my head on his chest (I can't quite reach his shoulder haha). He rested his hand on my knee and I was just happy. Chit chatting with him as we headed to the West Queen Street area.
As we went to exit the streetcar... You see you have to step on the stairs to activate the exit. I stood at the top of the stairs waiting for the door to open. As a line up began behind us. MrClarkKent said, ummm Teagan you have to step down. I TOTALLY didn't realize this activated the doors. I was so embarrased. MrClarkKent teased me a little for my rookie move.
We walked down Queen street. And headed to HawkerBar. I was so excited! It only opened 3 weeks ago.
ANDDDDDDDDD it's a Singporean restaurant based off Singapore street food. So clearly I was psyched. And how great was it that he actually listens to me and what I'm interested in...seriously. Here's the Wikipedia definition of Hawker:
We put our names down on the list (we couldn't believe it was that busy on a Tuesday!) Well and that and it is kind of tiny like a lot of restaurants in Toronto. I love the intimate feel it gives the restaurants here. We didn't mind waiting because it gave us time to head to have a drink somewhere else. So we headed to Reposado Bar.
Pic from here. Don't mind the slightly creepy sign...it was super cute inside. Even if it did remind me of the movie from Dusk Till Dawn....minus the strippers and vampires.
It's a Tequila bar...(I know trouble right?!) Even though I'm not a huge Tequila fan I did have an amazing cocktail that had blood orange in it (my total fav drink flavour!)
So after a cocktail and some wonderful conversation. We headed back to HawkerBar for dinner...can I just mention I LOVE holding hands strolling downtown...it's just makes me so so happy with him. We sat in the table at the far back. Which was actually perfect because it meant we sat side by side. And I got to have him put his hand on my knee a lot more :)
The first thing I noticed was when they brought over the menus. And they looked like this! AND I actually have pics because I had to send some to Taylor who would appreciate this dinner for sure.
How fun is the menu?! I think it actually really suits the cute style and playfulness of this place. Here's what we got.
The son in law eggs (these were compliments of the chef!). I forgot to take a pic of the Satay we ordered but it was great as well.
Hainanese Chicken Rice
The delish trifecta of sauces; dark soy + chili + ginger = awesome!
Laksa
It was great just hanging out. And talking to him. And telling him stories about Singapore.
After we were trying to decide where to go. And I thought of one of my most fun nights ever in Toronto with Taylor (Read here if you missed it!) So we headed to Cocktail Bar for an after dinner drink.
It is definitely one of my favourite places to grab a drink. First of all because it seems just "cool"...like New York City cool. And it's gorgeous inside with tin ceilings. And sitting across from a handsome man who I can't help but smile when I'm with him was just lovely.
My favourite moment as we chatted away was when he grabbed my hand from across the table. And at one point lifted it to kiss the back of my hand and just wow. I had an early day the next day so we ended it fairly early for us and I was home in bed by midnight!
Okay so yesterday I was a wreck about yoga (read here). I was taking my mum to her first yoga class. I even made it to buy skidless yoga towel and a non disposable water bottle (because this studio doesn't allow one use water bottles).
So we get ready and go to the studio. Which is tiny but pretty awesome. It is the first class I've been too where they had each little section marked off (like a little bigger area than your mat). And good thing too because every single space was full. The instructor literally didn't have a spot and just did corrections/adjustments and gave instructions which I actually really liked.
So we go in and my mum is already negative like it "smelled funny" in there etc. Then she is talking about how her yoga pants (the ones I got her...the expensive Lululemon ones...ones that I don't have yet for myself...yea Target yoga pants!) were too thick. So I let her get ready in the change room and go secure us spots together in the studio. Thinking to myself this feels way hotter than when I met Eva for hot yoga. Probably just because I was so stressed out.
I go back out and the instructor is talking to my mum explaining things outside the actual studio room. Letting her know that sometimes hot yoga can be overwhelming or uncomfortable for some people so to go slow, drink plenty of water and if you feel dizzy/nauseous/lightheaded then just lay down and drink water becuase exciting the studio can be too shocking on the body. I'm looking at my mum's face during this as she looks kind of perturbed actually. Oh well here goes nothing.
So I show my mum our spot and we lay down in Ashananaya (is what it sounds like to me...you know when you lay down and relax and get used to the heat...the preheating (like when you are baking something) phase). I couldn not relax...here is what was racing through my mind...
Okay here we go...Hot yoga with mum.
(glance over at my mum who is beat red already and kind of huffing...like when someone blows air up at thier bangs...not due to a health concern (I wouldn't take someone with uncontrolled blood pressure etc to hot yoga obviously)...anywho she is huffing and it is because she won't use the head band to pull her bangs off her forehead...does she realize no one cares about how they look in hot yoga)...whatever...I take a deep breath in and try to relax my shoulders.
Okay I'm here and it is about me and practicing yoga.
(My mum sits up to wipe her face and drink water...and huffs).
Okay Teagan just breath and relax.
Is that guy setting up DIRECTLY in front of me really wearing a speedo???
Yup...weird even when I did yoga in Bali and Singapore I never saw anyone do class in a speedo.
Okay Teagan CLEAR YOUR HEAD.
I can't believe Jacob messaged me AGAIN on the way to yoga.
He said I must be excited to start my work in Canada soon...said and then said "Canada's hottest (fill in the blank with my profession)" I find myself smiling at this...wait I shouldn't smile this guys has a fiancee...that is some bad karma you are bringing yourself Teagan.
Just focus on breathing...okay breathing in and out letting my shoulders go heavy then my elbows then my fingers then my hips then my kn...okay my mum is fussing around again wiping face and drinking water...she must hate this relaxation thing...this is probably the first and last time for her doing yoga...crap another birthday gift foiled...okay center where was I oh yea breathing letting my knees go heavy then my ankles now just breathe...when is this class going to start I've been Ashananaya-ing forEVER.
Okay just breathe...wow this class is really full...still haven't heard from Spencer...what a jerk...I can't believe him...I really should get on the lawyer/separation/divorce thing asap...as soon as I save the intial $2000...I wish I didn't blame myself...maybe if I had started hot yoga when I was first stressed out...maybe...gosh I need to stop thinking about that...it's over and it was a HUGE costly mistake...I have to just be that divorced girl and try to explain it one day if someone ever wants to be with me again...oh gosh did I just huff too? Okay focus on breathing...FINALLY the instructor is starting class...
As I went through all the movements...downward dog....shatvananaya...baby cobra...warriors and unicorns and plows and harths or something...wheelbarrows maybe...and whatever else you do. The instructor was amazing and really helped my mum a ton. She did okay but looked angry the whole time...oh well. I really enjoyed the class and there wasn't too much chanting (which I'm not really into anyway). And before I knew it the hour was up...in fact the preheating phase was probably the longest feeling part...Sort of like in Eat, Pray, Love when Julia Roberts can't clear her head for meditation...probably because I also suck at quieting my mind.
So then we leave and my mum starts...I should really be more prepared after 29 years. "Teagan you have to dress really good because you will get sick going from hot to cold like this" (sure mum) "Did you see that fat person in there...they must have really sweat a lot more" (cringe) "The dressing room is too small we should leave our stuff in the front check in area. I'm NEVER using the dressing room again there is no point" (nodding okay). "It's not really a hard work out you just sweat because it's so hot in there" (umm okay) "That one guy is disgusting who wears there underwear to work out" (it was a speedo but agreed kind of) "You shouldn't drive this way (I was turning right)...go straight" (and we proceed to drive right into the ALL the traffic of the OHL (kind of a step below NHL...which is hockey) PLAYOFF game that just let out)...making the drive all that longer. "I sweat so much I'm going to have to wash my hair again today" "These headbands suck they are hot because of this...what is this rubber?" (no mum it's silicon so they don't slip during yoga sigh) "What language was the instructor speaking...I had no idea one it was...it was weird" (I think it's Sanscrit) You pretty much get the idea.
I miss going to yoga and driving home in silence. I miss having my own place to just...be. I did feel relaxed by the end of the class though it just was all "undone" by the time I got home. Hmmm since this is $40 for 40 days package maybe I should try and do yoga for 40 days straight? Hmmm it's an idea...lets see if I can just go 2 days back to back before I decide. Maybe a ticker is in order. Let's see...the next class I can go to is at 6:30pm today.
So I'm anxiously still awaiting the Provincial results.
I think they are mailed from what Shelby can remember and due to the fact that 3/4 correspondence with them in the past is via snail mail I think that is how it goes.
And remember what a nightmare that was for the provincial test? (read here at the bottom!)
And was is so super duper annoying is that I cannot proceed at all in any fashion until I get that mail.
As in there are forms and numbers that I can't get online.
Which is driving me nuts!
Partially because I practically want to jump out of my skin.
I'm done waiting...I'm tired of being patient...I feel like I might just scream at someone at any moment because I'm tired of all of it and I just want to get the heck up out of here.
I feel like I've been standing on a ledge and the cramping in every part of my body is unbearable and I just want to jump.
Of course I want to jump and land gracefully and poised just like a superheroine.
So this morning my dad stops by my desk to let me know that there was still no mail because all my official/professional things currently go to their address.
Granted it apparently takes 6 weeks which is technically this Saturday coming up.
And my dad (ever the patient and ever the most relaxed person on this planet) says, "Teagan relax its not like you are going anywhere any time soon. You have to just settle down and realize that you will likely be here until the end of the year."
My blood boiled instantly and I calmly (while wanting to scream and throw a huge hissy fit and flip my desk etc) said, "When I get those results I'm out of here. This is hell for me and you should be happy I'm considering Canada and not a different country."
Dad says, "Well that hasn't really worked for you before now has it Teagan" ouch that felt like a cold hard smack to the face.
I defiantly stuck my chin up and said, "I'm leaving as soon as those result come in."
What I REALLY felt like yelling was...I get it...I get that EVERYtime you have told me not to do something and I did...you were "right"...I get that...I really do...but it's also easy to have the world's most negative outlook ever and then to say "I told you so"...but I can't just do what you want me to do because it makes me MISERABLE...I have hated these last few months here...it has sucked any happiness or Independence I once had out of me...and I hate myself here...I desperately want out of here and I will be leaving...also by doing the things and making the choices I have made I have had some amazing life experiences...these last two years if I had stayed in Canada maybe I would have a house and be more established in my career...but I wouldn't have hiked a volcano just to watch the sunrise in Bali...gotten a Thai massage in Thailand... ridden an elephant in Thailand with my bestie Taylor while drinking Heinnikens (it was so hot that I actually drank beer!)... had drinks in a pool with new best friends in Bintan (Indonesia)...chartered a private boat just to go snorkeling in Malaysia...placed my painted handprint on a cement dam with hundreds of school kids in Korea...danced on a beach at 4am with thousands of other people in Singapore to world renowned DJs...my mistakes and "bad decisions" have lead to things that I cherish about my life...so I'm going to continue to screw up if it means all of that!!!! Holy schmoly that was a vent and a half.
Unless the reason I haven't gotten anything in the mail is because I failed.
Ughh I refuse to fall back into a panic induced depression over the slim chance I failed the provincial part.
I'd rather make mistakes and make choices with my life that I can live with.
I guess what it comes down to is no rewards come without any risk.
I just have to be a little more careful with my heart.
PS the weather here sucks we got 15 cm of snow over night but the ice is what keeps knocking out the power and all I'm trying to do is post darnnit!
So I was on a pretty big (obviously natural) high on Friday after passing my National test. So I'm just waiting on the Provincial test and then I can take the next step in my life. Which will be FINALLY working in what I do rather than as a temp worker.
I didn't actually do anything Friday night to celebrate. I just stayed in did laundry (which got complicated!), hung out with my dog and watched Life As We Know It.
It was cute. Usually I LOVE brainless romantic comedies but it was just okay I guess. Got to love it when the main character has to choose between the nice handsome doctor and the adorable bad boy. I so wish I had that problem haha. Here's the trailer.
So then I did Laundry...which you would think would be easy. Especially with my brother's fancy schmancy front load machines. Except the dryer hates me. It literally eats my clothes. By catching a skinny strap (from a cami or thongs) and winds the clothes so tight they eventually snap. Especially if I'm not paying careful attention. Then I have to unwind my clothes to free them from the dryer. I already hang dry 50-60% of my clothes but this is just getting annoying.
It appears to get caught on the corner of the lint trap but there isn't anything around it and it appears to be properly inserted. The dryer doesn't eat my brothers clothes because he his maid/housekeeper (not me he literally has a housekeeper that does his laundry and cleans the house weekly!) basically washes jeans, sweatshirts, and t-shirts. Has this ever happened to anyone before? I think I might have to buy like a netted laundry bag to try and save my clothes because I've already lost way too many camis and thongs.
Then Saturday Jane came up for my next organization mission that I will go into more detail later in a seperate blog post. The main reason was to go through a giant trash bag of clothes that I had brought back from Asia that included my pseudowedding dress (trying to figure out to toss it/light it on fire/trash the dress). I did not think I would be so emotional about it. Well maybe I did know it subconsciously which is why I was waiting for one of the girls to go through the bag. Jane is pretty tough and a good rock steady friend.
So we got through a ton and then headed to my parents for dinner. You see this is what I love to do. I can't always handle my parents on my own so it's a nice buffer to have a friend there. I enjoy it much more too because it disperses the negativity.
So my mum pulled me aside right before I left and said "I have some bad news your ring is a total fake I went and took it to two people who appraised it and it is fake. So you really have nothing at all." I was stunned...not because its fake (I will get to that in the Spencer chapters...here's a hint I found out AFTER he proposed that it was fake not before) but because my mum went and had it appraised without even talking to me about it. As much as I'm trying to be honest with my parents I had no words at that point. Then the sniper shot came "guess you shouldn't be planning any moves to Toronto or anywhere because you literally have nothing." I just sort of stammered okay and left. I was irritated though. I know I have nothing...I know I made a HUGE mistake...and I don't need to be reminded every few days that I've been the big loser in this deal. I'm already humiliated and can't wait for this story to hit the family...not so awesome.
So Jane and I left my parents and were going to join my cousin Bella and Shelby downtown for drinks. Bella bailed because she was leaving in the morning for Cuba. So we decided to dip into the 2 bottles of wine my dad had given us instead. So we (Jane, Shelby and I) all hung out and watched Love and Other Drugs (I guess it really was a movie weekend).
Again just an okay movie. Here's that trailer.
Then we all crashed and headed to bed. I had the Bridal Shower the next day to gear up for.
So I'm glad I decided to go to the TDot on Friday.
Even though I wanted to be a hermit (like I talked about here).
I left work earlier on Friday and headed out.
It was kind of miserable driving there because it was raining and dark (so OVER the winter darkness).
But I got to Val's place and met up with Jane and her husband.
So they were looking at menus for restaurants in a section of the city with a lot of international restaurants. They had decided on Korean BBQ and my heart sunk.
But I plastered a smile on my face anyway.
The reason my heart sunk?
Because while I was living in Singapore Spencer lived in Korea.
We spent tons of time between those two places.
Of course anything Korean instatntly makes me think of Spencer.
Hey how often do "Korean" things come into your life... a lot more frequently than you would think!
Anywho I plastered the smile on my face and thought hey at least I'm going out on a Friday night and with my friends.
So we headed to the Korean Grill House and met up with Jane's brother too who lives in Toronto.
It was super fun and bright and modern.
All you could eat meat (chicken, salmon, pork, beef, short ribs and sausage) and vegetables (lettuce, onion, pineapple, mushrooms, peppers) and rice and the fixings (including kimchi) for $16 per person.
We ordered up the food and got started cooking.
Everytime I thought about Spencer I tried to just force the thought out of mind and focus on what the group was talking about etc.
As per usual with Jane she spilt an entire jar of soy sauce on the table which we all were hysterically laughing at because that is what Jane does.
She is my main reason for ordering slip covered dining room chairs versus nonslipcovered (as in my dream dining room).
It was a super delish dinner.
Then we all headed to a pub called Hemingway's which was PACKED.
It was pretty fun because it is a fun dive bar atmosphere in a ritzy neighbourhood (Yorkville) and definitely a place to see and be seen. We just chatted and had some drinks.
By 1am we were pretty tired so we headed back to Val's place.
Val and I stayed up chatting.
She is a great person to chat to and I caught her up in the latest about Spencer and Jacob.
We slowly woke up the next morning probably around 10.
We made breakfast of baked cinnimon pancakes with fresh strawberries and blueberries and banana (wish I had taken pictures).
Here was my favourite part of the whole weekend. I finally felt like I did back in TX. We were sitting around as a group of friends deciding what to do on a Saturday afternoon.
No real plans just good friends and a whole afternoon free.
I practically teared up at the shear joy in realizing this.
THIS is what I miss so so much.
Having my friends and being able to waste an entire afternoon.
The feeling of joy that filled my heart was perfect and amazing.
So we decided we should go see a movie.
And we decided on The Adjustment Bureau.
Which ended up being so good and actually kind of a love story so I was super happy.
Here's the trailer.
After that we dropped Val off at home and Jane, her husband and I went shopping together.
We stopped in a furniture store first which got me even more excited for at some point getting my own place again.
Then we went to H&M I wish we had more time in there for sure but it was closing soon.
I was able to get myself a new work bag (for when I work again and to me is a good classic styling for interviews). I need to be able to carry a few things and this bag is large and I fell in love with it.
I also found a contender for a dress for Eva's wedding. What do you think?
I am also going to show it to Eva and make sure that she is cool with it. It isn't white or ivory at all but it is a lighter pinky/peach and I would feel bad if it was considered to light in colour at a wedding (ie. competing with the bride). It is a fun print that is kind of like a snakeskin but not really. The good news is I already have shoes that I think go PERFECT with it too.
The new work bag was $49.99 and the dress was $69.99 (which I think is a pretty good deal for the dress). I think I could have gone pretty crazy in the store because everything is reasonably lower priced. I'm glad I stuck to my mission though and didn't get pulled by the accessories (which I totally tend to do in places like H&M). We finished shopping around 8 and then I drove home through horrible snow and ice rain which sucked but I was too blissed out on my fun overnight trip to care :)
Then today (Sunday) I just hung out at the house and then in the afternoon my friend came over and we worked out. Tonight it will be some trash TV of Kim and Kourtney take New York and Holly's World. Before I sleep and get ready for another week. This weekend I felt like myself and had a glimpse of what a life in the TDot will be like and I'm excited. Now time to cross my fingers that I passed all my tests and can hopefully plan for an April move date!
I woke up this morning at 8:36am and groaned out loud...thinking to myself why can't I just sleep until noon so that there is less of a day to have to drag myself through!
Its because I'm having weird weird dreams...definitely stressed!
I had this dream that I was in a high school type setting.
I was worried because my boyfriend "Will" was inviting me for the first time to a society uppity type of event and I was concerned I wouldn't fit in.
I was discussing this with a classmate. Then I randomly signed up for an advanced French class (hmmm maybe my Paris goal coming into play). That was taking a trip abroad to ....Singapore...wtf?!
So the class goes to Singapore where we are on a yellow bus (pretty sure I didn't see any yellow school buses the whole time I was in Singapore.) Then we stop for lunch. Where Eva is there and the rest of the girls. Also there randomly is Bonni...who is an old high school friend that I havne't talked to in years. Everyone is at a hawker (which is like local asian junk food) but wanting American food. So I'm trying to help people by remembering where the American food is there. Only the girls don't want to leave and are trying to teach the local Asians how to make pizza. I sneak off with Bonni to find real pizza and instead of her being happy or greatful she reams me out. She is berating me and just putting me down the whole way back to the Hawker area where everyone is. I do not even attempt to stand up for myself. Then Eva realizes what is happening and nearly kicks the sh*t out of Bonni. We somehow make it on the bus where we drive past a group of people that I knew in Singapore. I will refer to them as the bad news bears. I ducked down to hide in the seats...and that is when I woke up.
My dreams are so weird!!! And I totally don't wake up feeling refreshed by any stretch of the means. Sigh....I want good dreams so badly. What is my issue?!
