The Yoga Diaries~Day One

Okay so yesterday I was a wreck about yoga (read here).
I was taking my mum to her first yoga class.
I even made it to buy skidless yoga towel and a non disposable water bottle (because this studio doesn't allow one use water bottles).

So we get ready and go to the studio.
Which is tiny but pretty awesome.
It is the first class I've been too where they had each little section marked off
(like a little bigger area than your mat).
And good thing too because every single space was full.
The instructor literally didn't have a spot and just did corrections/adjustments
and gave instructions which I actually really liked.

So we go in and my mum is already negative like it "smelled funny" in there etc.
Then she is talking about how her yoga pants (the ones I got her...the expensive Lululemon ones...ones that I don't have yet for myself...yea Target yoga pants!) were too thick.
So I let her get ready in the change room and go secure us spots together in the studio.
Thinking to myself this feels way hotter than when I met Eva for hot yoga.
Probably just because I was so stressed out.

I go back out and the instructor is talking to my mum explaining things outside the actual studio room.
Letting her know that sometimes hot yoga can be overwhelming or uncomfortable for some people so to go slow, drink plenty of water and if you feel dizzy/nauseous/lightheaded then just lay down and drink water becuase exciting the studio can be too shocking on the body.  I'm looking at my mum's face during this as she looks kind of perturbed actually.  Oh well here goes nothing.

So I show my mum our spot and we lay down in Ashananaya (is what it sounds like to me...you know when you lay down and relax and get used to the heat...the preheating (like when you are baking something) phase).
I couldn not relax...here is what was racing through my mind...

Okay here we go...Hot yoga with mum.

(glance over at my mum who is beat red already and kind of huffing...like when someone blows air up at thier bangs...not due to a health concern (I wouldn't take someone with uncontrolled blood pressure etc to hot yoga obviously)...anywho she is huffing and it is because she won't use the head band to pull her bangs off her forehead...does she realize no one cares about how they look in hot yoga)...whatever...I take a deep breath in and try to relax my shoulders.

Okay I'm here and it is about me and practicing yoga.

(My mum sits up to wipe her face and drink water...and huffs).

Okay Teagan just breath and relax.

Is that guy setting up DIRECTLY in front of me really wearing a speedo???

Yup...weird even when I did yoga in Bali and Singapore I never saw anyone do class in a speedo.

Okay Teagan CLEAR YOUR HEAD.

I can't believe Jacob messaged me AGAIN on the way to yoga.

He said I must be excited to start my work in Canada soon...said and then said "Canada's hottest (fill in the blank with my profession)"  I find myself smiling at this...wait I shouldn't smile this guys has a fiancee...that is some bad karma you are bringing yourself Teagan.

Just focus on breathing...okay breathing in and out letting my shoulders go heavy then my elbows then my fingers then my hips then my kn...okay my mum is fussing around again wiping face and drinking water...she must hate this relaxation thing...this is probably the first and last time for her doing yoga...crap another birthday gift foiled...okay center where was I oh yea breathing letting my knees go heavy then my ankles now just breathe...when is this class going to start I've been Ashananaya-ing forEVER.

Okay just breathe...wow this class is really full...still haven't heard from Spencer...what a jerk...I can't believe him...I really should get on the lawyer/separation/divorce thing asap...as soon as I save the intial $2000...I wish I didn't blame myself...maybe if I had started hot yoga when I was first stressed out...maybe...gosh I need to stop thinking about that...it's over and it was a HUGE costly mistake...I have to just be that divorced girl and try to explain it one day if someone ever wants to be with me again...oh gosh did I just huff too?  Okay focus on breathing...FINALLY the instructor is starting class...

As I went through all the movements...downward dog....shatvananaya...baby cobra...warriors and unicorns and plows and harths or something...wheelbarrows maybe...and whatever else you do.  The instructor was amazing and really helped my mum a ton.  She did okay but looked angry the whole time...oh well.  I really enjoyed the class and there wasn't too much chanting (which I'm not really into anyway).  And before I knew it the hour was up...in fact the preheating phase was probably the longest feeling part...Sort of like in Eat, Pray, Love when Julia Roberts can't clear her head for meditation...probably because I also suck at quieting my mind.

So then we leave and my mum starts...I should really be more prepared after 29 years.
"Teagan you have to dress really good because you will get sick going from hot to cold like this" (sure mum)
"Did you see that fat person in there...they must have really sweat a lot more" (cringe)
"The dressing room is too small we should leave our stuff in the front check in area.  I'm NEVER using the dressing room again there is no point" (nodding okay).
"It's not really a hard work out you just sweat because it's so hot in there" (umm okay)
"That one guy is disgusting who wears there underwear to work out" (it was a speedo but agreed kind of)
"You shouldn't drive this way (I was turning right)...go straight"  (and we proceed to drive right into the ALL the traffic of the OHL (kind of a step below NHL...which is hockey) PLAYOFF game that just let out)...making the drive all that longer.
"I sweat so much I'm going to have to wash my hair again today"
"These headbands suck they are hot because of this...what is this rubber?" (no mum it's silicon so they don't slip during yoga sigh)
"What language was the instructor speaking...I had no idea one it was...it was weird" (I think it's Sanscrit)
You pretty much get the idea.

I miss going to yoga and driving home in silence.
I miss having my own place to just...be.
I did feel relaxed by the end of the class though it just was all "undone" by the time I got home.
Hmmm since this is $40 for 40 days package maybe I should try and do yoga for 40 days straight?
Hmmm it's an idea...lets see if I can just go 2 days back to back before I decide.
Maybe a ticker is in order.
Let's see...the next class I can go to is at 6:30pm today.

Namaste.

I don't know how you guys aren't sick of me...I'm sick of me ~from Eat, Pray, Love

On the advice of the brilliant beautiful Taylor I rented Eat, Pray, Love.
I tried to read the book 4 weeks ago and couldn't get through it.
Just wasn't in the frame of mind so I figured I would give the movie a shot .
After all a movie is barely 2 hours.

Couldn't make it all the way through the book...

Liz and her rock...much like my rocks and pillars of strength.

Will I enjoy wanderirng a new foreign place with someone special some day?

Will I ever find peace with myself?  And really smile again like really smile and not just fake smile.  I think at this point I've perfected the fake smile.

The first line (title of this post) that caught my attention first becuase this is EXACTLY how I feel about my girls.  My rocks...my pillars of strength but the point is at some point it has to be too much for them.  And I sure do feel like I am sick of me so they MUST be.  But there they go just keeping on being there for me.  Honestly, how did I ever get so lucky?  How will I ever pay them back?

My next favourite part was the short monologue that I think Liz wrote in the movie...and to me it is ME (minus the moving on before I'm done with a relationship because I am the one left looking around going what the hell happened?)...but is there really something wrong with being this way?  Is there such thing as being too giving? too loving?  Obviously it is a repeated pattern in my relationships and CLEARLY it isn't working for me.  But what if I was with someone that that FIT with.  How about THAT stupid monologue...what IF that wasn't a bad thing?!  I stopped and typed it from the movie because I'm THAT obsessive. 

Here's what he doesn't know yet

I dissappear into the person I love

I am a permeable membrane

If I love you...you can have it all

My money, my time, my body, my dog, my dog's money

I will assume your debts

And project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities

You've never actually cultivated in yourself

I will give you all this and more

Until i'm so exausted and depleted

That the only way I can recover is

If I become infatuated with someone else

So what did I think of the movie.
Hated the part in Rome because it just made me sad (likely because PH and our 2nd Honeymoon was to be in Italy).
India part made me think of my buddy India.  Whom I miss so very much.
Bali part brought an interesting thing out in me.  I have travelled to Bali both solo and with PH but I found it okay because it reminded me more of my the time I was in Bali solo.  It was neat to see parts of Bali that I had been in myself specificallly around Ubud and the Monkey Forest. 
Overall, I found it okay.
I mean it is unrealistic for someone like me to travel the world for a year to find myself and in a way I thought I had done that over the last year and found my true love etc etc...only it didn't work...it didn't "stick".  And now I'm alone here no different then 2 years ago.  And that makes me terribly sad.

Okay my mission is to explain this last year to anyone who might actually read this blog.  I think I will have to do it all bit by bit to hopefully weave together the story and maybe to understand why I'm going through the worst pain and heartbreak ever in my entire life.