Today has been a rough day.
I got 4 Christmas card in the mail addressed to "Spencer and Teagan" (probably the LAST time you will see our two names together besides divorce papers...and ouch that sure does sting to write that).
Then one of the other employees at "work" who is being perfectly nice about things tried to strike up a conversation about where my fiance was from how things were going with immigration and instead of telling the truth and saying its off. I lied.
I felt the blood pooling in my chest and face and looking straight at the ground while I mumbled something incoherent like "yes its busy this time of year and we are figuring out what to do for the holidays" ...wtf that doesn't even make any sense.
But for some reason I. could. not. tell. the. truth.
Probably for a multitude of reasons...one very good one being that it is none of that persons business.
But I'm made that I didn't just say its over. I mean after that I'm sure whoever asked would change the subject immediately.
Also, Spencer asking "to give him until today" was yesterday.
And nothing so I texted him "Any idea yet if the 28th works?" and...no response.
Am I really surprised? Well, no but still it sucks.
This whole morning all I could think about is WHY?
I still haven't had an explanation?
They short brief conversations (which I will post about).
Where shallow statements like "we've both changed" and "I'm not happy".
Really nothing concrete to end a serious relationship.
I still don't know what the heck is going on and how this changed.
You will be just as flabbergasted I'm sure. (and I PROMISE I'm getting to those blogs).
So feeling really lost right now and just completely and utterly abandoned.
Something that has also bothered me is my MOH to be (cousin Bella) must be really busy because I haven't heard from her in like 4 weeks.
I've even texted her a few times and she lives here in the same city.
Oh well it's not like I want to get into the whole mess anyway.
I'm just a little hurt.
THEN my mom just called work.
She cancelled our venue/food/catering/bar...lost that deposit (which I figured).
Then she asked me to look up the phone number for the store where I got my dress.
Did I mention I LOVE my dress. It is perfect and I love it and I'm heartbroken about what to do with/about it. I'm thinking of keeping it.
Just because as you may learn I get attached to things and fall 100% in love with them.
So while I'm not sure how much hope I have to get married in the future...I would be heartbroken if I couldn't find a dress that I liked as much as this one.
So that needs to be figured out.
And then my mom asked me to email our photographer to cancel her (she prefers email to phone anyway).
I also LOVE her ...she is the most incredible photographer ever.
The reason we had planned such a long time before our big hoopla wedding was to ensure that we got our favourite and best vendors.
I put hours of countless preparation (don't get me wrong loved every minute of it).
And now it feels like ripping out stiches one at a time with cancelling everything.
Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes I feel flung right back down into a deep dark hole.
Today I'm back to counting the minutes left at work ...176minutes left.
Today is crawling by.
Today it hurts.
Trip to see Taylor!!!!
Showing posts with label PH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PH. Show all posts
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Chapter X-13: We Might As Well Be Strangers (part 2)
Since part of this is "real time". It will get confusing so for all intents and purposes...I will put date-ish at the top of posts and label current ones as Chapter "X" until they get an actual number and I can rename them.
So today if you recall is the day PH and I were going to touch base.
Oops thats right he has a colour.
REAL TIME...so Wednesday December 15th, 2010
So he texted.
Thats right ladies and gentlemen the big strong courageous jerkface didn't even call he texted.
For those of you who thought it didn't get much lower than ending a marriage via a phone call ...it does.
So we are currently in arrangements to get all my things back because (as it will get eventually covered).
I moved all my things from Asia to his state.
I have been trying to arrange for the last month to get my things back.
On Monday he said he would be able to afford shipping things back in 50lb increments.
My parents are actually going to be on vacation in his state (about 2 hours away).
So both they and I want to get my things back as soon as possible.
Here is how our "conversation" went via text this morning.
PH: "Hey, did you get dates when your parents are coming down" (Me: partially confused because I already gave him days).
Me: "How about the 28th at noon? They actually aren't there for very long...or you could do the drop off on the 27th."
PH: "I will not be here, but that does not have to stop anything...Samantha could be here I guess? What do you think. I will be in another state from 27th-6th of Jan..."
Me: "Sure just please have everything ready and like by the door. They kind of want to come load up and leave and they don't want to be walking around your place...finding stuff etc."
PH: "Okay I will let you know...Give me until today..."
Me: "No problem."
It is so weird.
It really makes no sense at all.
sigh
At least things are moving in some kind of direction.
Like I said before we may as well be strangers at this point.
So today if you recall is the day PH and I were going to touch base.
Oops thats right he has a colour.
REAL TIME...so Wednesday December 15th, 2010
So he texted.
Thats right ladies and gentlemen the big strong courageous jerkface didn't even call he texted.
For those of you who thought it didn't get much lower than ending a marriage via a phone call ...it does.
So we are currently in arrangements to get all my things back because (as it will get eventually covered).
I moved all my things from Asia to his state.
I have been trying to arrange for the last month to get my things back.
On Monday he said he would be able to afford shipping things back in 50lb increments.
My parents are actually going to be on vacation in his state (about 2 hours away).
So both they and I want to get my things back as soon as possible.
Here is how our "conversation" went via text this morning.
PH: "Hey, did you get dates when your parents are coming down" (Me: partially confused because I already gave him days).
Me: "How about the 28th at noon? They actually aren't there for very long...or you could do the drop off on the 27th."
PH: "I will not be here, but that does not have to stop anything...Samantha could be here I guess? What do you think. I will be in another state from 27th-6th of Jan..."
Me: "Sure just please have everything ready and like by the door. They kind of want to come load up and leave and they don't want to be walking around your place...finding stuff etc."
PH: "Okay I will let you know...Give me until today..."
Me: "No problem."
It is so weird.
It really makes no sense at all.
sigh
At least things are moving in some kind of direction.
Like I said before we may as well be strangers at this point.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Chapter X-12: Locked Hearts and Hand Grenades*
Monday December 13th , 2010
So he finally called this morning.
He talks to me like he would talk to a casual acquaintance.
Only the discussions we are having are NOT one you would have with a casual acquaintance (or over the phone for that matter).
This morning kind of went like this...
First he called at 9:30ish am (knowing I work 9-5) but I answered.
He said: "I met with the ILawyer today and asked him to reverse the petition".
(Funny before that he said he was going to see if it could be switched to a different type of Visa but thats here nor there.)
It is possible to reverse and then the burden is on me to prove when I visit that country that I'm trying to visit and there may or may not be an imposed 5 year ban.
No sweat off his back...because this has 0 ill effects on him.
Not even financially because I paid for everything because of my own guilt.
I told him: "I am frustrated that you ignore me".
He told me: "I wasn't".
I said: "I haven't heard anything from you in a week, or talked to you on the phone in more than two and we need to get things sorted out. I said it is to the point where I thought you weren't going to return my things."
He asked: "what do you think I would do with them".
I said: "I don't know... torch them?"
He said "well if I did I would use fireworks and flame throwers and really do it well"
Not. funny.
So he said: "Well I did look into it and was planning on shipping your things in 50lb "loads"".
However since my parents will be near him in less than two weeks I said "don't worry I will just have the organize to pick the things up so we can be done with it."
So we agreed on talking on Wednesday to organize this.
He let me know he also had to keep looking into the divorce...becuase yes we are actually married. DUH!
At this point I also asked about the $600+ bill he was supposed to pay (more about THAT later)...he said he did and would provide a receipt (but probably shouldn't hold my breath for it).
It is the most eerie thing to talk to him now.
Less than two months ago we were dancing away at Jane's wedding, planning our wedding, snuggling in bed together and whispering I love yous etc.
Now it is like we couldn't be more far apart.
I think when I talk to him I must just sound "flat" because I'm exhausted, sad, hurt and emotionally drained at this point. At least I didn't cry.
He still has not given me an explanation except for "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be married to you". Everytime I think about it it is like falling through ice into a cold frigid lake.
I just don't understand how things got to this point...which is why I should document it from the beginning.
I'm just trying to organize exactly HOW I'm supposed to do that.
sigh
Teagan
So he finally called this morning.
He talks to me like he would talk to a casual acquaintance.
Only the discussions we are having are NOT one you would have with a casual acquaintance (or over the phone for that matter).
This morning kind of went like this...
First he called at 9:30ish am (knowing I work 9-5) but I answered.
He said: "I met with the ILawyer today and asked him to reverse the petition".
(Funny before that he said he was going to see if it could be switched to a different type of Visa but thats here nor there.)
It is possible to reverse and then the burden is on me to prove when I visit that country that I'm trying to visit and there may or may not be an imposed 5 year ban.
No sweat off his back...because this has 0 ill effects on him.
Not even financially because I paid for everything because of my own guilt.
I told him: "I am frustrated that you ignore me".
He told me: "I wasn't".
I said: "I haven't heard anything from you in a week, or talked to you on the phone in more than two and we need to get things sorted out. I said it is to the point where I thought you weren't going to return my things."
He asked: "what do you think I would do with them".
I said: "I don't know... torch them?"
He said "well if I did I would use fireworks and flame throwers and really do it well"
Not. funny.
So he said: "Well I did look into it and was planning on shipping your things in 50lb "loads"".
However since my parents will be near him in less than two weeks I said "don't worry I will just have the organize to pick the things up so we can be done with it."
So we agreed on talking on Wednesday to organize this.
He let me know he also had to keep looking into the divorce...becuase yes we are actually married. DUH!
At this point I also asked about the $600+ bill he was supposed to pay (more about THAT later)...he said he did and would provide a receipt (but probably shouldn't hold my breath for it).
It is the most eerie thing to talk to him now.
Less than two months ago we were dancing away at Jane's wedding, planning our wedding, snuggling in bed together and whispering I love yous etc.
Now it is like we couldn't be more far apart.
I think when I talk to him I must just sound "flat" because I'm exhausted, sad, hurt and emotionally drained at this point. At least I didn't cry.
He still has not given me an explanation except for "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be married to you". Everytime I think about it it is like falling through ice into a cold frigid lake.
I just don't understand how things got to this point...which is why I should document it from the beginning.
I'm just trying to organize exactly HOW I'm supposed to do that.
sigh
Teagan
Chapter X-11: We might as well be strangers*
Monday December 13th, 2010
* Bonus points to anyone that can figure out where some of my titles come from (only *d ones)
He called.
Yup PH called.
He called at like 9:32am I guess he figured I wouldn't answer because I work 9-5.
However, I am so sick of this being dragged out I did answer.
I will update tonight how the convo went...but we might as well be strangers.
sigh
Teagan
* Bonus points to anyone that can figure out where some of my titles come from (only *d ones)
He called.
Yup PH called.
He called at like 9:32am I guess he figured I wouldn't answer because I work 9-5.
However, I am so sick of this being dragged out I did answer.
I will update tonight how the convo went...but we might as well be strangers.
sigh
Teagan
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Brooke's Birthday Weekend
So I'm back.
I made it out there despite my lack of motivation.
It was great to catch up with the girls. They are amazing and just an incredible support system.
They are all mad at PH and can't believe his actions...well rather inaction.
And at least they back me up 100%.
I really don't know how I would make it through this without my girls.
I made the 2 hour drive to Toronto and then met up with Val and Eva and then we road tripped it up the 3 hours to Kingston. (And I only managed to cry once during the road trip).We made it just in the nick of time to the restaurant. It was great a place called Atomica which is a gourmet pizza and wine bar. Which suited us just perfectly....and we jabbered away and stuffed ourselves...so good! I wish I had taken pictures of the food! It was so busy and becuase the ENTIRE restaurant had ordered pizza we basically had 10 minutes to eat our dinner before we had to fly out the door to catch Cirque du Soleil's Quidam. We got there JUST in time. So we settled in to watch the show. I thought it was good though sometimes it is hard to compare it when I saw Cirque du Soleil's "O" in Vegas where it is a permanent theatre with wonderful makeup. So that part is better but the performers are always outstanding and awe inspiring.
We then headed to Woodenheads for some cocktails. Which was lovely and we keep chattering away. (I managed to tear up but not out and out sob...ughhh I just sometimes when talked about my situation I think the only common denomiator and therefore the only problem is actually me!)
Then I headed out with Quinn and her husband and we went to her in-laws home...arriving there just after midnight. They had two friends over so we proceeded to have more drinks and play a game that is basically B*llsh*t with dice. We had a great time and before we knew it it was 3:30am (which I can't remember the last time I was awake that late!)
So we headed to bed and then woke up to the smell of a delish breakfast! We had eggs and sausage and toast and muffins and cinnimon buns with coffee and OJ (again I wish I had taken pictures...I will get better with that and it would help if I could figure out for my phone to store more than 14 pictures!) By the time we finally got going it was around 1pm. Quinn, her husband and I headed to Petsmart to go shopping because they got a new 8 week old labradoodle puppy today!!! They are so excited it is fantastic!
So before you know it it was 2:30pm and I met up with Val to head back home (5 hours on the road yuck!) And it is dark by 5pm and we are getting ANOTHER storm so half the drive home felt like snow was flying right at me (this is a totally weird phenomenon I tried to get a picture of google images of it...it kind of looks like meter sticks of snow flying parallel to the ground straight at you so at the same time it is kind of like a tunnel. The thing I liken it most to is on star wars/star trek when they go very very fast in space and the white lights go from looking light dots to bars...THAT is what driving in it is like and it sucks!) But clearly I made it home okay :) And again I managed to cry only once on the drive home...ugh like I said before I am so sick of me its a wonder the girls aren't sick of me...but Val is just supportive and a great friend of course so that helps. I really want to stop crying daily...it is annoying. I guess it will help when I sit down and get it all out. And again the love and support from my amazing girlfriends carries me through. But I know I need to work on it.
xoxo
Teagan
I made it out there despite my lack of motivation.
It was great to catch up with the girls. They are amazing and just an incredible support system.
They are all mad at PH and can't believe his actions...well rather inaction.
And at least they back me up 100%.
I really don't know how I would make it through this without my girls.
I made the 2 hour drive to Toronto and then met up with Val and Eva and then we road tripped it up the 3 hours to Kingston. (And I only managed to cry once during the road trip).We made it just in the nick of time to the restaurant. It was great a place called Atomica which is a gourmet pizza and wine bar. Which suited us just perfectly....and we jabbered away and stuffed ourselves...so good! I wish I had taken pictures of the food! It was so busy and becuase the ENTIRE restaurant had ordered pizza we basically had 10 minutes to eat our dinner before we had to fly out the door to catch Cirque du Soleil's Quidam. We got there JUST in time. So we settled in to watch the show. I thought it was good though sometimes it is hard to compare it when I saw Cirque du Soleil's "O" in Vegas where it is a permanent theatre with wonderful makeup. So that part is better but the performers are always outstanding and awe inspiring.
 |
| Yummy gormet pizzas! |
 |
| The bar which is really cool because the lights change colours...but pink was my favourite (of course)! |
 |
| Downtown Kingston but there wasn't this much snow at night because the day was pretty warm. |
Then I headed out with Quinn and her husband and we went to her in-laws home...arriving there just after midnight. They had two friends over so we proceeded to have more drinks and play a game that is basically B*llsh*t with dice. We had a great time and before we knew it it was 3:30am (which I can't remember the last time I was awake that late!)
 |
| One of my new favourite games and it is fun and social and not too complicated! |
So before you know it it was 2:30pm and I met up with Val to head back home (5 hours on the road yuck!) And it is dark by 5pm and we are getting ANOTHER storm so half the drive home felt like snow was flying right at me (this is a totally weird phenomenon I tried to get a picture of google images of it...it kind of looks like meter sticks of snow flying parallel to the ground straight at you so at the same time it is kind of like a tunnel. The thing I liken it most to is on star wars/star trek when they go very very fast in space and the white lights go from looking light dots to bars...THAT is what driving in it is like and it sucks!) But clearly I made it home okay :) And again I managed to cry only once on the drive home...ugh like I said before I am so sick of me its a wonder the girls aren't sick of me...but Val is just supportive and a great friend of course so that helps. I really want to stop crying daily...it is annoying. I guess it will help when I sit down and get it all out. And again the love and support from my amazing girlfriends carries me through. But I know I need to work on it.
xoxo
Teagan
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Procrastinating Teagan
So I planned on getting up early and getting things done.
But I'm sitting here on the couch and drinking a cup of coffee.
And I know this weekend should be fantastic and once I'm there with the girls it will be good.
But right now I don't feel like getting ready and I don't feel like going.
I feel like wallowing in my own self pity.
Being a permanent fixture on the sofa for the weekend.
I know its terrible but I just don't feel like going
And seeing the pity when they each ask you are okay and my answer just doesn't change week to week I always respond with "I'm here" which is the best I can muster because I'm not fine I'm not okay and I'm definitely not good. As each day passes it doesn't get easier actually it is more and more frustrating because I STILL have not heard from PH.
And I just sit here on the couch and look around at the Christmas tree that I decorated alone AGAIN this year. At the presents underneath that I thought would look chic and cool under the tree but the brown craft paper just looks boring and depressive...kind of like how I feel.
Sigh...Quinn calls the motivation to do something "the moti" and I have 0. I guess the first step is to take a shower and try to get moving today. After all it is Brooke's birthday and the last thing I want to do is pull some overdramatic stunt like not showing up with all the girls.
xoxo Teagan
But I'm sitting here on the couch and drinking a cup of coffee.
And I know this weekend should be fantastic and once I'm there with the girls it will be good.
But right now I don't feel like getting ready and I don't feel like going.
I feel like wallowing in my own self pity.
Being a permanent fixture on the sofa for the weekend.
I know its terrible but I just don't feel like going
And seeing the pity when they each ask you are okay and my answer just doesn't change week to week I always respond with "I'm here" which is the best I can muster because I'm not fine I'm not okay and I'm definitely not good. As each day passes it doesn't get easier actually it is more and more frustrating because I STILL have not heard from PH.
And I just sit here on the couch and look around at the Christmas tree that I decorated alone AGAIN this year. At the presents underneath that I thought would look chic and cool under the tree but the brown craft paper just looks boring and depressive...kind of like how I feel.
 |
| My tree that I decorated by myself...what I stare at from the couch. Oddly not comforting at all. |
 |
| I thought it would be so cool to wrap the presents in kraft paper and maybe accent with black ribbon or something. But they just look depressing or like cardboard boxes or things that need to be shipped |
Sigh...Quinn calls the motivation to do something "the moti" and I have 0. I guess the first step is to take a shower and try to get moving today. After all it is Brooke's birthday and the last thing I want to do is pull some overdramatic stunt like not showing up with all the girls.
xoxo Teagan
Friday, December 10, 2010
I don't know how you guys aren't sick of me...I'm sick of me ~from Eat, Pray, Love
On the advice of the brilliant beautiful Taylor I rented Eat, Pray, Love.
I tried to read the book 4 weeks ago and couldn't get through it.
Just wasn't in the frame of mind so I figured I would give the movie a shot .
After all a movie is barely 2 hours.
The first line (title of this post) that caught my attention first becuase this is EXACTLY how I feel about my girls. My rocks...my pillars of strength but the point is at some point it has to be too much for them. And I sure do feel like I am sick of me so they MUST be. But there they go just keeping on being there for me. Honestly, how did I ever get so lucky? How will I ever pay them back?
My next favourite part was the short monologue that I think Liz wrote in the movie...and to me it is ME (minus the moving on before I'm done with a relationship because I am the one left looking around going what the hell happened?)...but is there really something wrong with being this way? Is there such thing as being too giving? too loving? Obviously it is a repeated pattern in my relationships and CLEARLY it isn't working for me. But what if I was with someone that that FIT with. How about THAT stupid monologue...what IF that wasn't a bad thing?! I stopped and typed it from the movie because I'm THAT obsessive.
So what did I think of the movie.
Hated the part in Rome because it just made me sad (likely because PH and our 2nd Honeymoon was to be in Italy).
India part made me think of my buddy India. Whom I miss so very much.
Bali part brought an interesting thing out in me. I have travelled to Bali both solo and with PH but I found it okay because it reminded me more of my the time I was in Bali solo. It was neat to see parts of Bali that I had been in myself specificallly around Ubud and the Monkey Forest.
Overall, I found it okay.
I mean it is unrealistic for someone like me to travel the world for a year to find myself and in a way I thought I had done that over the last year and found my true love etc etc...only it didn't work...it didn't "stick". And now I'm alone here no different then 2 years ago. And that makes me terribly sad.
Okay my mission is to explain this last year to anyone who might actually read this blog. I think I will have to do it all bit by bit to hopefully weave together the story and maybe to understand why I'm going through the worst pain and heartbreak ever in my entire life.
I tried to read the book 4 weeks ago and couldn't get through it.
Just wasn't in the frame of mind so I figured I would give the movie a shot .
After all a movie is barely 2 hours.
 |
| Couldn't make it all the way through the book... |
 |
| Liz and her rock...much like my rocks and pillars of strength. |
 |
| Will I enjoy wanderirng a new foreign place with someone special some day? |
 |
| Will I ever find peace with myself? And really smile again like really smile and not just fake smile. I think at this point I've perfected the fake smile. |
My next favourite part was the short monologue that I think Liz wrote in the movie...and to me it is ME (minus the moving on before I'm done with a relationship because I am the one left looking around going what the hell happened?)...but is there really something wrong with being this way? Is there such thing as being too giving? too loving? Obviously it is a repeated pattern in my relationships and CLEARLY it isn't working for me. But what if I was with someone that that FIT with. How about THAT stupid monologue...what IF that wasn't a bad thing?! I stopped and typed it from the movie because I'm THAT obsessive.
Here's what he doesn't know yet
I dissappear into the person I love
I am a permeable membrane
If I love you...you can have it all
My money, my time, my body, my dog, my dog's money
I will assume your debts
And project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities
You've never actually cultivated in yourself
I will give you all this and more
Until i'm so exausted and depleted
That the only way I can recover is
If I become infatuated with someone else
So what did I think of the movie.
Hated the part in Rome because it just made me sad (likely because PH and our 2nd Honeymoon was to be in Italy).
India part made me think of my buddy India. Whom I miss so very much.
Bali part brought an interesting thing out in me. I have travelled to Bali both solo and with PH but I found it okay because it reminded me more of my the time I was in Bali solo. It was neat to see parts of Bali that I had been in myself specificallly around Ubud and the Monkey Forest.
Overall, I found it okay.
I mean it is unrealistic for someone like me to travel the world for a year to find myself and in a way I thought I had done that over the last year and found my true love etc etc...only it didn't work...it didn't "stick". And now I'm alone here no different then 2 years ago. And that makes me terribly sad.
Okay my mission is to explain this last year to anyone who might actually read this blog. I think I will have to do it all bit by bit to hopefully weave together the story and maybe to understand why I'm going through the worst pain and heartbreak ever in my entire life.
Mommy Dearest
***Warning...this is a vent***
I guess there no longer avoiding this issue.
I have mom issues.
No surprize or shock I've always had them.
I cannot get along with my mom...at all.
I will have to delve into this with much more detail at a later time.now
So I'm like "I DON'T know whats going on?!" (which is why I'm so incredibly frustrated and depressed because PH is avoiding me because he can!).
"I have told you EVERYTHING...I'm just as shocked"
And my mom says "well it doesn't add up."
And I'm like "I KNOW it doesn't add up and now I can't get any information from him."
Then she says "well if you think we are going to the police and jeopardizing our future travel you have another things coming...just kiss your stuff goodbye."
So I'm like "Mom I have told you everything I'm just as confused and upset about it and I can't do anything about it so probably I should contact a lawyer."
I guess there no longer avoiding this issue.
I have mom issues.
No surprize or shock I've always had them.
I cannot get along with my mom...at all.
I will have to delve into this with much more detail at a later time.now
Side Note
I'm finding at least blogging is a way to vent...
and let me explore things that have happened to me in my life.
Now don't get me wrong...
I have a pretty privilaged life...
especially compared to the rest of the world.
I mean I'm no homeless to harvard chick by any means.
I don't know what its like to starve or do without shelter...
but sometimes I hurt so bad
and just feel like things are devasting and painful in my life.
I find myself blogging aobut things I thought I would never ever touch on.
So to continue...
This whole situation makes in about a million times worse.
So ughhh just got in a huge argument over the phone with my mom.
Awesome (where is that sarcasm font) to do that at work.
Anyway I'm shaking I'm so livid.
So ughhh just got in a huge argument over the phone with my mom.
Awesome (where is that sarcasm font) to do that at work.
Anyway I'm shaking I'm so livid.
She now informs me that I'm spoiled and living a lavish lifestyle so for Christmas they will be spending $100 (too bad I spent $600 on their gift...and its not a tit for tat thingy...I don't expect them to spend anything on me but am irritated that they tell me NOW that that is the plan) and literally if they want the $200 should I give them that in an envelope???
(I told her well I already got your gifts because Christmas is in 2 weeks.) And to be honest I would rather give them a gift I spent lots of time thinking of and saving and getting then just arbitrarily getting them $100 gift that they won't like anyway.
Then she lays into me that she that she doesn't know what is going on with my situation (with PH) and I treat her like a sidestreet....(I told her well I already got your gifts because Christmas is in 2 weeks.) And to be honest I would rather give them a gift I spent lots of time thinking of and saving and getting then just arbitrarily getting them $100 gift that they won't like anyway.
So I'm like "I DON'T know whats going on?!" (which is why I'm so incredibly frustrated and depressed because PH is avoiding me because he can!).
"I have told you EVERYTHING...I'm just as shocked"
And my mom says "well it doesn't add up."
And I'm like "I KNOW it doesn't add up and now I can't get any information from him."
Then she says "well if you think we are going to the police and jeopardizing our future travel you have another things coming...just kiss your stuff goodbye."
So I'm like "Mom I have told you everything I'm just as confused and upset about it and I can't do anything about it so probably I should contact a lawyer."
Then she is like "we can't afford a lawyer (they have one on retainer that I know they could just ask what is a possible step for no cost AND I DIDN'T ONCE ASK HER TO PAY FOR A LAWYER!!!) and you don't tell us anything Teagan and if you actually have papers that say you are married I want to see them becuase I don't think it is valid and you should just move on."
Awesome so now I have to argue the validity of what I'm saying to my own parents...great.
This makes me want to freak out and I can't handle this at all.
A little background...I'm consumed with guilt because my parents have helped me pay for my education. So since I've collected a paycheck at this temp job I have been giving them 20% of my paycheck PLUS a one time lump sum of $2000 to cover some of the cost of the wedding deposits that they put down. I actually couldn't bear to live with them any longer so I moved in with my brother simply because I couldn't deal with the daily confrontation and negativity. I do recognize that without them I would be homeless living under a bridge at this point.
I also don't know whey they think I'm keeping a big secret or any ...I have told them EVERYTHING the entire situation just doesn't make any sense whatsoever...and I can't help that. PH is not even communicating with me and I don't know why. This morning I sent him a text "Please send me an update as soon as possible as to what is going on" and NOTHING. I am so frustrated I DON'T know what is going on or what to do. And now I feel like I have to defend myself against my parents. This is the point where I feel like life is impossible to deal with.
Awesome so now I have to argue the validity of what I'm saying to my own parents...great.
This makes me want to freak out and I can't handle this at all.
A little background...I'm consumed with guilt because my parents have helped me pay for my education. So since I've collected a paycheck at this temp job I have been giving them 20% of my paycheck PLUS a one time lump sum of $2000 to cover some of the cost of the wedding deposits that they put down. I actually couldn't bear to live with them any longer so I moved in with my brother simply because I couldn't deal with the daily confrontation and negativity. I do recognize that without them I would be homeless living under a bridge at this point.
I also don't know whey they think I'm keeping a big secret or any ...I have told them EVERYTHING the entire situation just doesn't make any sense whatsoever...and I can't help that. PH is not even communicating with me and I don't know why. This morning I sent him a text "Please send me an update as soon as possible as to what is going on" and NOTHING. I am so frustrated I DON'T know what is going on or what to do. And now I feel like I have to defend myself against my parents. This is the point where I feel like life is impossible to deal with.
Chapter X-10: If you're going to let one stupid pr*ck ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were. ~Professor Stromwell Legally Blond
December 10th, 2010
So another sleepless night...god this can't be good for my skin.
See I'm totally focusing on the important things now.
So I still as of yet to get a response (since Monday's fiasco communication) from PH.
I think I was tossing and turning last night because I have so many unanswered questions.
Like...
All these questions lead me to think perhaps I need legal advice. However...I really don't have the money. And I don't want to spend the money to just find out that I'm screwed. Also this year in legal expenses has been more than $3600 from the immigration things we filed (because I foolishly didn't want it to be a burden to PH!) I also realistically don't want to spend more money than I would lose just by cutting my losses. But I think I've come to the inevitable conclusion that PH is not going to share the information with me and like my Brooke said I need to start looking our for myself. So now I guess I need to contact lawyers and just try to get information. I just don't understand how someone could do this to someone else. I'm frustrated and hurt and scared (of how this will impact my life). Definitely the worst thing that has happened in my life. The timing of it sucks so much more...between my b-day and Christmas. Seriously?! I always have a tough time during the holidays. But I'm going to focus on what Eva said...the GOOD things I have to look forward to like this weekend and New Years.
xoxo
Teagan
So another sleepless night...god this can't be good for my skin.
See I'm totally focusing on the important things now.
So I still as of yet to get a response (since Monday's fiasco communication) from PH.
I think I was tossing and turning last night because I have so many unanswered questions.
Like...
How am I going to get my things back?
PH has done such a complete 180 degree shift what if he just makes a bonfire in the back yard and torches my things?
Some of those things are irreplaceable like notes and books that are out of print.
My parents want to literally roll up there with police and get my stuff.
As far as our paperwork is concerned...how do I "undo" two main things.
1. Marriage
2. Immigration/being allowed to travel into that country?
xoxo
Teagan
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Chapter X-9: Always remember when a guy sweeps you off your feet, he's in the perfect position to drop you on your ass
December 9th, 2010
Not that I'm turning into a bitter cynical wronged girl.
I still believe in love and would give everything to have that.
I just need to be a little more careful now.
In other words...no response from PH at all.
This morning I texted him "any luck with the shipping? Also wanted to know if you had a chance to pay that bill for me?" (more about THAT later).
Not that I'm turning into a bitter cynical wronged girl.
I still believe in love and would give everything to have that.
I just need to be a little more careful now.
In other words...no response from PH at all.
This morning I texted him "any luck with the shipping? Also wanted to know if you had a chance to pay that bill for me?" (more about THAT later).
The Company I Keep
Another sleepless night and another morning waking up with that shotgun wound to the stomach.
Well it's not literally a real shotgun wound but it sure does feel like it (well if I was to guess what feeling shot is like).
The thing that really keeps me going are my friends...the girls if you will...so I will expand a little on them.
A lot of this comes in response to my post yesterday of the update most recently of PH.
There is...
Taylor~ usually not a day goes by that I don't talk to her in someway. She is a true southern bell and one of the people that I can travel with easily. (Sometimes travelling can be difficult especially to third world countries haha). We joke around that we have "ruined cities"...some of my favourite memories with her include trips to Vegas, Lake Tahoe, Singapore, Thailand, and in just about 5 weeks Toronto. I look up to her like a big sister and aspire to be more like her. She looks how I wished I looked when I was a little girl (more about the Doll story later). Blond, gorgeous, teeny tiny waist, great rack, small Barbie feet...you get the picture. She has so many uplifting quotes/points/emails that I couldn't do it justice but need to start including some in my blog.
Melody~ my fun seriously spunky girlfriend that is a pillar of strength. She has been such a fun person to hang out with. I am consistantly amazed by her talents (she could totally be a professional makeup artist)!
Since I'm a movie lover I would liken her to Alice Cullen (from Twilight...I know hold your groan) but intuitive, smart, great dark short hair, teenytiny and just beautiful. She sent me a seriously great email about this crazy time in my life, here is a part of it...
Jane is like the mama bear in our group and the glue. She makes sure everything is okay with everyone and she really seriously taught me how to hug properly (along with Eva) and how to climb a tree (on my 20th birthday...I'm obviously a city girl). Best rack of the group haha...Sophie (who is tiny) has taken to wearing her bra as a hat on occasion! Dark thick amazing hair...we joke that if you put Jane and Eva together they would have the perfect hour glass body. Here is part of her email....
There is also Quinn...who is brilliant in every way possible. Quinn is one of those girls that just gets more and more beautiful as she ages...I know that seems weird but it is so true. I've been sneaking to her house some nights just to spend the night with a supportive friend.
There is Val she has been a great huge support to me. Val is a track star...EVERY single one of my boy friends has had a crush on her at one point...one of my friends is like oh the one with the gray eyes (she really has unique eyes). She is the one that I think everyone pines to be with and she is hilarious, sweet and so lovely...I am excited to see who she ends up with. She has prayed for me, had me stay with her so many times just to ease the pain that I'm feeling, and has the best heart ever.
Sophie, is my amazing friend who lives in (I think) the coldest place in Canada. I'm going to visit her in her city in February (I know what am I thinking- I hate the cold!) but I will already be that far West for another reason. She is probably the most unique and artistic of all of us. She makes the BEST Christmas crafts so I hope she never gets tired of making them...I ALWAYS look forward to those.
There they are but not nearly enough justice explaining all of them. I will do my best as I go along. These are my pillars of strength, my rocks! And I love them more than anything.
xoxo
Teagan
Well it's not literally a real shotgun wound but it sure does feel like it (well if I was to guess what feeling shot is like).
The thing that really keeps me going are my friends...the girls if you will...so I will expand a little on them.
A lot of this comes in response to my post yesterday of the update most recently of PH.
There is...
Taylor~ usually not a day goes by that I don't talk to her in someway. She is a true southern bell and one of the people that I can travel with easily. (Sometimes travelling can be difficult especially to third world countries haha). We joke around that we have "ruined cities"...some of my favourite memories with her include trips to Vegas, Lake Tahoe, Singapore, Thailand, and in just about 5 weeks Toronto. I look up to her like a big sister and aspire to be more like her. She looks how I wished I looked when I was a little girl (more about the Doll story later). Blond, gorgeous, teeny tiny waist, great rack, small Barbie feet...you get the picture. She has so many uplifting quotes/points/emails that I couldn't do it justice but need to start including some in my blog.
Melody~ my fun seriously spunky girlfriend that is a pillar of strength. She has been such a fun person to hang out with. I am consistantly amazed by her talents (she could totally be a professional makeup artist)!
Since I'm a movie lover I would liken her to Alice Cullen (from Twilight...I know hold your groan) but intuitive, smart, great dark short hair, teenytiny and just beautiful. She sent me a seriously great email about this crazy time in my life, here is a part of it...
But, save yourself the boatload of money I have spent on therapy to know that it REALLY ISN’T YOU. It’s his stupid self, making a decision that he chose and inflicting pain on you that he will have to live with. Karma really is a beeatch! It will come back to him.
I would inflict physical harm upon that boy (if you could even call him that…it requires balls and he apparently doesn’t have any) if I saw him! You deserve so much more and you have good, honest love to give and he just doesn’t deserve it from someone as good as you. Somewhere in the future, you will look at this situation and realize why you had to endure such a horrible lesson to learn something so important about yourself and that lesson will in turn give you something even better and something worth every tear. You just have to hang in there and wait for it. You can do it. I know how strong you are.
You have SUCH an awesome friend in Taylor. If you ever need to talk or to cry or to scream at…I’m here for you! Big hugs and lots of thoughts are heading your way. I miss you.
I would inflict physical harm upon that boy (if you could even call him that…it requires balls and he apparently doesn’t have any) if I saw him! You deserve so much more and you have good, honest love to give and he just doesn’t deserve it from someone as good as you. Somewhere in the future, you will look at this situation and realize why you had to endure such a horrible lesson to learn something so important about yourself and that lesson will in turn give you something even better and something worth every tear. You just have to hang in there and wait for it. You can do it. I know how strong you are.
You have SUCH an awesome friend in Taylor. If you ever need to talk or to cry or to scream at…I’m here for you! Big hugs and lots of thoughts are heading your way. I miss you.
Eva~ you have seen and heard of before. If you remember she is dirty blond (haha NOT like that), got the best Bootie in the world, great back and shoulders and is a yoga master! She is wonderful here is part of her email to me yesterday (with respect to PH)...
What a SHIT HEAD!!!!
You're better off without this dipshit... Really...look at it that way....he's saving you from forever putting up with his stupid shit. He's an immature, inconsiderate, selfish bastard who doesn't deserve you. Ugh...he makes me soooooo mad!!!!!!!!! Get your shit back from him....put him behind you, and get in on with the life you deserve. Aaaaahhhh...I just want to scream at him!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well we've got lots of fun friend time planned for the next month, so lets look forward to that...focus on that and make some great new memories with our favourite old people :)
Love you!!!
Brooke's Birthday is this weekend. She is great and wonderful and definitely someone you don't want to mess with. This girl is one of those girls who can transform like a chamelion...she can be blond, redhead, dark and looks amazing...pair that with awesome eyes and smile and I sure don't have a shortage of beautiful friends. She is brilliantly sarcastic and a doll to hang out with. Here is her part of her email to me yesterday...
Well, it seems he is not being very co-operative in this whole thing. You need to look out for yourself, and not worry about accomodating him anymore. You need to get all your things from him ASAP, one way or another, and since he doesn't seem to want to give you any information about the lawyer, maybe you need to get yourself to a lawyer as soon as you can, and start working things out on your end. Maybe go see what your rights are in all this, what you are entitled to, and if you can get anything from him to cover the costs you have incured already towards the wedding. I'm really sorry this has turned out like this for you.
I do have to say that I was quite surprised to find out that you guys had actually already "tied the Knot",(I know I know I have some explaining to do!) and I'm really sorry you had to keep that bottled up for so long. That must have been really difficult for you. I hope you know that you can tell any of us anything. We are your best friends, and it is part of our "job description" as a best friend to not judge, and be supportive of each other, no matter what. You can call me at any time to chat about any thing you need to talk about.
I do have to say that I was quite surprised to find out that you guys had actually already "tied the Knot",(I know I know I have some explaining to do!) and I'm really sorry you had to keep that bottled up for so long. That must have been really difficult for you. I hope you know that you can tell any of us anything. We are your best friends, and it is part of our "job description" as a best friend to not judge, and be supportive of each other, no matter what. You can call me at any time to chat about any thing you need to talk about.
Jane is like the mama bear in our group and the glue. She makes sure everything is okay with everyone and she really seriously taught me how to hug properly (along with Eva) and how to climb a tree (on my 20th birthday...I'm obviously a city girl). Best rack of the group haha...Sophie (who is tiny) has taken to wearing her bra as a hat on occasion! Dark thick amazing hair...we joke that if you put Jane and Eva together they would have the perfect hour glass body. Here is part of her email....
So sorry for the delayed response. I was in complete shock the other day when I read the email and I couldn't even think clearly to respond so I was going to do it when I got home and our internet has been down and I was away at a volleyball tournement yesturday.
How are you doing? I know I am still in shock so I can just imagine how you are feeling. I know you must be so confused and looking for answers, but this just might be one of those times in your life that you just need to trust there is a greater plan at work in your life and that through all the pain something good will come out of it. I know I'm struggling with that idea myself, but I know it's true. You deserve so much more and non of this makes sense. I'm sure PH will regret his decision, but to have put your through this is shows without a doubt he doesn't deserve you. The process will be a long and hard road Teagan, but just know I will be there for you whenever you need me.
I love you and give me a call whenever.
There is also Quinn...who is brilliant in every way possible. Quinn is one of those girls that just gets more and more beautiful as she ages...I know that seems weird but it is so true. I've been sneaking to her house some nights just to spend the night with a supportive friend.
There is Val she has been a great huge support to me. Val is a track star...EVERY single one of my boy friends has had a crush on her at one point...one of my friends is like oh the one with the gray eyes (she really has unique eyes). She is the one that I think everyone pines to be with and she is hilarious, sweet and so lovely...I am excited to see who she ends up with. She has prayed for me, had me stay with her so many times just to ease the pain that I'm feeling, and has the best heart ever.
Sophie, is my amazing friend who lives in (I think) the coldest place in Canada. I'm going to visit her in her city in February (I know what am I thinking- I hate the cold!) but I will already be that far West for another reason. She is probably the most unique and artistic of all of us. She makes the BEST Christmas crafts so I hope she never gets tired of making them...I ALWAYS look forward to those.
There they are but not nearly enough justice explaining all of them. I will do my best as I go along. These are my pillars of strength, my rocks! And I love them more than anything.
xoxo
Teagan
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Chapter X-8: Day 8 or 9 or whatever really...
December 8th, 2010
So I slept terribly last night (again).
Partly because the furnace turned off because the snow was blocking the vents (so out to clear that away).
Partly because my brother (who I live with) went out but couldn't remember if he had a key or not (turns out he did) came home at 1:30 am.
Then at 6:30am my brother's ride to work rang the doorbell (for my brother to inform him he would ride with me instead when I went to the office for 9am).
Then my alarm went off at 7:30am but I hadn't really slept well in between all of that.
I woke up and felt like I had a shot gun wound to the stomach.
I feel so awful and anxious.
Its like a cold bucket of water dumped on me 30-60seconds after I awake and oh yea my life has taken an awful turn.
(I guess I soon need to do a who new way of describing what has exactly happened).
Long story short I'm angry at PH who is screwing me in every possible way except the way that I want (sorry for the TMI).
I want my stuff back, I want it all to just be over...I don't want to be completely screwed from traveling...I want to erase it/anull it or whatever it is...I want it all to be over so I can try and pick up the pieces. I'm just so angry right now. The fact that he doesn't have the b*lls to actually have a conversation about it ...the fact that he doesn't even think it warranted a meeting face-to-face to end a pseudo-marriage. The fact that likely I have to pick up all these pieces all by myself.
How did I end up in this nightmare?
I am finding it VERY hard to listen to my friends who say "thank god it happened now...before it got more complicated and painful with houses and kids etc..blah blah blah" but I ask myself how could it get more painful then this. How can someone go from being my best friend, lover, confidant planning a huge fun wedding with me turn around less than 4 weeks later and change their mind completely...and to such totality that he says he has had second thoughts since April (really?!!!! how did I not see this at all)...and I quote "I don't love you...I don't want to be married to you." How is that for direct? Direct like slap in the face with a tire-iron direct?
I. do. not. know. how. to. get. past. this.
Teagan
So I slept terribly last night (again).
Partly because the furnace turned off because the snow was blocking the vents (so out to clear that away).
Partly because my brother (who I live with) went out but couldn't remember if he had a key or not (turns out he did) came home at 1:30 am.
Then at 6:30am my brother's ride to work rang the doorbell (for my brother to inform him he would ride with me instead when I went to the office for 9am).
Then my alarm went off at 7:30am but I hadn't really slept well in between all of that.
I woke up and felt like I had a shot gun wound to the stomach.
I feel so awful and anxious.
Its like a cold bucket of water dumped on me 30-60seconds after I awake and oh yea my life has taken an awful turn.
(I guess I soon need to do a who new way of describing what has exactly happened).
Long story short I'm angry at PH who is screwing me in every possible way except the way that I want (sorry for the TMI).
I want my stuff back, I want it all to just be over...I don't want to be completely screwed from traveling...I want to erase it/anull it or whatever it is...I want it all to be over so I can try and pick up the pieces. I'm just so angry right now. The fact that he doesn't have the b*lls to actually have a conversation about it ...the fact that he doesn't even think it warranted a meeting face-to-face to end a pseudo-marriage. The fact that likely I have to pick up all these pieces all by myself.
How did I end up in this nightmare?
I am finding it VERY hard to listen to my friends who say "thank god it happened now...before it got more complicated and painful with houses and kids etc..blah blah blah" but I ask myself how could it get more painful then this. How can someone go from being my best friend, lover, confidant planning a huge fun wedding with me turn around less than 4 weeks later and change their mind completely...and to such totality that he says he has had second thoughts since April (really?!!!! how did I not see this at all)...and I quote "I don't love you...I don't want to be married to you." How is that for direct? Direct like slap in the face with a tire-iron direct?
I. do. not. know. how. to. get. past. this.
Teagan
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Chapter X-7: Communication...well you COULD sort of consider it that...though it is piss poor and not closure driven whatsoever!
December 7th ,2010
Though I feel at the depths of despair when I think about it I guess I will write it and document it with the hopes that one day I will come to terms with it because I don't think I will ever understand it.
So on that fun note (FYI I wish there was a sarcasm font)...
I was waiting to talk to PH after his Thursday meeting with the lawyer and then... nothing.
So I tried to call once a day after that.
Also sending text messages once a day saying "could you please update me soon thanks".
At this point I can't really respect his ignoring me ...and really he already can't think that much of me so twice a day trying to contact is reasonable.
I tried to call again this morning and he didn't answer but did send me this text
"I will update soon, I am well aware for the things that need to be done. I am sorry for not translating anything back to you. I will soon. Sorry again"
to which I replied "sorry but some things have come up. I need my laptop, 3 specific textbooks and my patient notes (in large clear plastic envelopes) for January 2nd. It is absolutely crucial for my career that I receive them as I have a review with a specialty board and it can't wait and will have virtually no time to prepare. If there is anyway you could ship that asap it is very important please."
because i need it for that test i'm writing he replied "okay i will get on it."
to which i reply "great i really cannot stress how important it is. I'm trying to keep my parents from going there to get it themsleves. please let me know as soon as possible a shipping/tracking #. i feel like this is getting dragged out so if we could finish up all loose ends asap I would be more than happy to not have to contact you"
and this evening he texted me for my address which I provided.
I am at a loss...I think i will NEVER get closure...never mind things like splitting costs of deposits for the wedding etc.
He doesn't want to talk to me at all.
Nevermind even talking to him face to face I guess I don't deserve that
I'm just trying to move on somehow...and I have an awful feeling that I'm going to get absolutely screwed in terms of other issues.
I really think he doesn't care at all.
Just trying to pick up the pieces but wanted to let you know that really I will get no closure or anything like that and I'm FLOORED.
This is such a shock. I really just don't understand at all.
How he can go from the things he did to THIS.
I feel like an idiot.
Though I feel at the depths of despair when I think about it I guess I will write it and document it with the hopes that one day I will come to terms with it because I don't think I will ever understand it.
So on that fun note (FYI I wish there was a sarcasm font)...
I was waiting to talk to PH after his Thursday meeting with the lawyer and then... nothing.
So I tried to call once a day after that.
Also sending text messages once a day saying "could you please update me soon thanks".
At this point I can't really respect his ignoring me ...and really he already can't think that much of me so twice a day trying to contact is reasonable.
I tried to call again this morning and he didn't answer but did send me this text
"I will update soon, I am well aware for the things that need to be done. I am sorry for not translating anything back to you. I will soon. Sorry again"
to which I replied "sorry but some things have come up. I need my laptop, 3 specific textbooks and my patient notes (in large clear plastic envelopes) for January 2nd. It is absolutely crucial for my career that I receive them as I have a review with a specialty board and it can't wait and will have virtually no time to prepare. If there is anyway you could ship that asap it is very important please."
because i need it for that test i'm writing he replied "okay i will get on it."
to which i reply "great i really cannot stress how important it is. I'm trying to keep my parents from going there to get it themsleves. please let me know as soon as possible a shipping/tracking #. i feel like this is getting dragged out so if we could finish up all loose ends asap I would be more than happy to not have to contact you"
and this evening he texted me for my address which I provided.
I am at a loss...I think i will NEVER get closure...never mind things like splitting costs of deposits for the wedding etc.
He doesn't want to talk to me at all.
Nevermind even talking to him face to face I guess I don't deserve that
I'm just trying to move on somehow...and I have an awful feeling that I'm going to get absolutely screwed in terms of other issues.
I really think he doesn't care at all.
Just trying to pick up the pieces but wanted to let you know that really I will get no closure or anything like that and I'm FLOORED.
This is such a shock. I really just don't understand at all.
How he can go from the things he did to THIS.
I feel like an idiot.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Chapter X-6: Day 7
December 6th, 2010
Sooo I slept TERRIBLY last night. Absolutely horrible which is par for the course when I'm expecting a call/conversation with PH. We are supposed to talk today.
At least I didn't have any wacked out dreams...but woke up just exhausted.
I am clearly still on a roller coaster of emotions.
Yesterday I just holed myself up on the coach after wrapping Christmas gifts...and I thought I was doing okay until I talked to J and V...and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on the phone.
Which was a total surprise to me because I thought I was pulling it together.
I feel like I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months.
And can I just say that I think Christmas is like the most couple-y time of the year ever (well besides Valentine's Day!) I wish I could just skip it!
It is so weird talking to my girlfriends who understand (and are the best support I could ever imagine)...that it will take time for me to get past this.
That I should spend some time alone growing and healing...but here is the thing.
I LOVE being in a relationship I hate the "new" parts of relationships I don't like the butterflies and nervousness and first dates.
I don't like to be alone (granted I know that should tell me something)...but its NOT that I don't like myself/value myself/spend time with friends/my own interests. I just LOVE having someone else in my life.
I love intimacy (with a monogamous committed relationship).
I love cuddling.
I love doing things for the other person.
I want to be with someone... I like myself better when I'm with someone.
I really don't think it is a case where I need to love myself by myself first.
I just need to find someone who loves me and doesn't just run away...especially after making a commitment.
Probably what hurts so bad with PH is that THIS is the amount of work he was willing to put into a marriage...this is what he is content walking away from with this much effort (which feels like none at this point).
Talking to Taylor about it she (and I agree) thinks I should only talk to him about getting my things back...because he isn't able to handle accomplishing anything whatsoever at this point.
So I guess I should explain when I moved home from Asia we shipped all my things to his state.
So he has many things of mine there...including things like diplomas/reference textbooks that I need etc.
So I need him to ship them here because I can't currently travel there.
Not sure if he will agree to that (but there is no value in him keeping my things at all...he doesn't want to be with me so there is no benefit for him to keep things).
Also, not sure who will pay for it but I'm thousands of dollars in the hole due to paying off wedding deposits, returning engagment gifts, lawyers fees etc.
He should step up but right now I don't even know how he gets himself out the door in the morning.
I am so blatantly confused on what is going on.
Maybe it would be explained that there is someone else.
I don't understand how he can switch so easily in terms of how he has acted.
Maybe it was all lies and an act but to keep it up for 6 months...I just don't understand.
It is sickening.
I hope one day it gets easier/better.
So frustrated.
Teagan
Sooo I slept TERRIBLY last night. Absolutely horrible which is par for the course when I'm expecting a call/conversation with PH. We are supposed to talk today.
At least I didn't have any wacked out dreams...but woke up just exhausted.
I am clearly still on a roller coaster of emotions.
Yesterday I just holed myself up on the coach after wrapping Christmas gifts...and I thought I was doing okay until I talked to J and V...and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on the phone.
Which was a total surprise to me because I thought I was pulling it together.
I feel like I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months.
And can I just say that I think Christmas is like the most couple-y time of the year ever (well besides Valentine's Day!) I wish I could just skip it!
It is so weird talking to my girlfriends who understand (and are the best support I could ever imagine)...that it will take time for me to get past this.
That I should spend some time alone growing and healing...but here is the thing.
I LOVE being in a relationship I hate the "new" parts of relationships I don't like the butterflies and nervousness and first dates.
I don't like to be alone (granted I know that should tell me something)...but its NOT that I don't like myself/value myself/spend time with friends/my own interests. I just LOVE having someone else in my life.
I love intimacy (with a monogamous committed relationship).
I love cuddling.
I love doing things for the other person.
I want to be with someone... I like myself better when I'm with someone.
I really don't think it is a case where I need to love myself by myself first.
I just need to find someone who loves me and doesn't just run away...especially after making a commitment.
Probably what hurts so bad with PH is that THIS is the amount of work he was willing to put into a marriage...this is what he is content walking away from with this much effort (which feels like none at this point).
Talking to Taylor about it she (and I agree) thinks I should only talk to him about getting my things back...because he isn't able to handle accomplishing anything whatsoever at this point.
So I guess I should explain when I moved home from Asia we shipped all my things to his state.
So he has many things of mine there...including things like diplomas/reference textbooks that I need etc.
So I need him to ship them here because I can't currently travel there.
Not sure if he will agree to that (but there is no value in him keeping my things at all...he doesn't want to be with me so there is no benefit for him to keep things).
Also, not sure who will pay for it but I'm thousands of dollars in the hole due to paying off wedding deposits, returning engagment gifts, lawyers fees etc.
He should step up but right now I don't even know how he gets himself out the door in the morning.
I am so blatantly confused on what is going on.
Maybe it would be explained that there is someone else.
I don't understand how he can switch so easily in terms of how he has acted.
Maybe it was all lies and an act but to keep it up for 6 months...I just don't understand.
It is sickening.
I hope one day it gets easier/better.
So frustrated.
Teagan
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Day 5
I just woke up...yea for sleeping I can't remember the last time I slept until 9am!
I'm at Eva's place and she has already bustled off to work (told you she was a busy girl).
We had so much fun last night I met up with her and we went down to the "One of a Kind" show.
It is a mix of a very high end craft show and unique gifts.
We had a TON of fun looking at all the different vendors.
Of note was beautiful pottery, glasswear, metal works, spices, jams, woodwork and clothing.
I think I need to figure out how to take pics myself of these places with my phone and then upload them to here so that I (and readers) have an idea of what its like to be in it all.
Eva and my mission was to find our girl B a birthday gift for her birthday next weekend.
We tried brainstorming ideas about decor and things like that but couldn't remember colours of B's place.
We found the most gorgeous metal works wall wine holder? (I am calling it that haha).
The vendor was a place called Practical Art which is from Stratford, Ontario...and for those of you who may not have heard that is where Justin Bieber is from. It has much more notable traits about it but I'm guessing people are more familiar with that then their Stratford Festival (their famous Shakespearean run of plays at their very well known theatre), or their swans.
So we were successful! We hope B likes it :)
Well at least I managed to start off a "day" without the focus on PH (well at least on a blog post).
Still nothing after my message to him about just wanting an update on ILawyer and wanting to get my things sent in a timely manner.
It was great to talk to Eva about it. She has such a level head. And one thing she said that brought me immense relief is that she has been struggling all week to wrap her head around it. Like why? She also said that she struggled with was how not one of the girls saw it. You see my girls are so observant and they see things WAY before I do. Eva said it wasn't even on the radar. They are all baffled and annoyed and why go through all the things we went through like an Engagement party and Engagement photos and booking everything. So at least I'm not the only one that is super confused.
So it's kind of like having a dull headache all the time. Just kind of bothering you all day. I would just like things to be over as soon as possible so I can move on....granted I didn't want things to be over but you really can't make someone want to be with you. So I hope I can get my things back and I hope this isn't dragged out over many more weeks. I'll keep you posted.
xoxo
Teagan
I'm at Eva's place and she has already bustled off to work (told you she was a busy girl).
We had so much fun last night I met up with her and we went down to the "One of a Kind" show.
It is a mix of a very high end craft show and unique gifts.
We had a TON of fun looking at all the different vendors.
Of note was beautiful pottery, glasswear, metal works, spices, jams, woodwork and clothing.
I think I need to figure out how to take pics myself of these places with my phone and then upload them to here so that I (and readers) have an idea of what its like to be in it all.
Eva and my mission was to find our girl B a birthday gift for her birthday next weekend.
We tried brainstorming ideas about decor and things like that but couldn't remember colours of B's place.
We found the most gorgeous metal works wall wine holder? (I am calling it that haha).
The vendor was a place called Practical Art which is from Stratford, Ontario...and for those of you who may not have heard that is where Justin Bieber is from. It has much more notable traits about it but I'm guessing people are more familiar with that then their Stratford Festival (their famous Shakespearean run of plays at their very well known theatre), or their swans.
So we were successful! We hope B likes it :)
Well at least I managed to start off a "day" without the focus on PH (well at least on a blog post).
Still nothing after my message to him about just wanting an update on ILawyer and wanting to get my things sent in a timely manner.
It was great to talk to Eva about it. She has such a level head. And one thing she said that brought me immense relief is that she has been struggling all week to wrap her head around it. Like why? She also said that she struggled with was how not one of the girls saw it. You see my girls are so observant and they see things WAY before I do. Eva said it wasn't even on the radar. They are all baffled and annoyed and why go through all the things we went through like an Engagement party and Engagement photos and booking everything. So at least I'm not the only one that is super confused.
So it's kind of like having a dull headache all the time. Just kind of bothering you all day. I would just like things to be over as soon as possible so I can move on....granted I didn't want things to be over but you really can't make someone want to be with you. So I hope I can get my things back and I hope this isn't dragged out over many more weeks. I'll keep you posted.
xoxo
Teagan
Friday, December 3, 2010
Chapter X-4: Day 4
December 3rd, 2010
Here is a big SHOCKER...I still feel terrible!
So no call/update from PH as of yet.
I tried to call him this morning to see if he had any news/course of action with regard to proceeding.
No answer...I did get a B*llsh*t text from him saying
"Sorry I'm stuck in a meeting at work and can't talk. I may have an open afternoon/lunch and will check after my meeting".
I answered ...
"Just wanted an update/outcome with meeting you had yesterday. Also wanted to know if you could ship my things as soon as possible. Thanks"
I have a feeling this is going to open up a whole huge can of worms.
I think he will not be organized to ship my things.
Then there is the matter of the expense of shipping my things.
Which I think should be HIS expense because HE wants this.
And my expenses far far far outweigh his.
I am the biggest loser in all of this.
I screwed my career, my options and my life to be with him.
Nevermind the things that really are mine...like the brandnew washer and dryer my parents bought for us.
Or the $300 worth of Target gift certificates to buy things like a vacuum and some dishes.
Nevermind that EVERYtime he came here to visit he left with more than $1000 in cash because of my guilt of not contributing.
Talked to Taylor yesterday and want to write a post all about that "guilt" and how it fits into life.
I have an awful awful feeling that this is going to become a huge mess.
I'm worried.
And I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.
I guess I should really provide some back story but its all just too much right now.
Here is a big SHOCKER...I still feel terrible!
So no call/update from PH as of yet.
I tried to call him this morning to see if he had any news/course of action with regard to proceeding.
No answer...I did get a B*llsh*t text from him saying
"Sorry I'm stuck in a meeting at work and can't talk. I may have an open afternoon/lunch and will check after my meeting".
I answered ...
"Just wanted an update/outcome with meeting you had yesterday. Also wanted to know if you could ship my things as soon as possible. Thanks"
I have a feeling this is going to open up a whole huge can of worms.
I think he will not be organized to ship my things.
Then there is the matter of the expense of shipping my things.
Which I think should be HIS expense because HE wants this.
And my expenses far far far outweigh his.
I am the biggest loser in all of this.
I screwed my career, my options and my life to be with him.
Nevermind the things that really are mine...like the brandnew washer and dryer my parents bought for us.
Or the $300 worth of Target gift certificates to buy things like a vacuum and some dishes.
Nevermind that EVERYtime he came here to visit he left with more than $1000 in cash because of my guilt of not contributing.
Talked to Taylor yesterday and want to write a post all about that "guilt" and how it fits into life.
I have an awful awful feeling that this is going to become a huge mess.
I'm worried.
And I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.
I guess I should really provide some back story but its all just too much right now.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Chapter X-3: Vent
December 2nd, 2010
So...I guess "his" nickname will become PH (because he is a pseudo-husband).
No husband would only acknowledge a birthday with a phone call alone.
And then send WAY mixed messages by saying "I wish I could be there...it would make things a lot easier".
Anyway I'm worried and full of anxiety.
Today PH is going to the ILawyer.
Because we have already filed our paperwork months ago because I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Now he wants to undo it.
Too bad I already spend $3600 in lawyer's fees because I didn't want to burden him with that.
Now it is a total waste of money.
And I'm SURE he won't offer to help with any of that.
OR any of the wedding deposits.
Or really anything at all.
When he came in October I gave him $200 for a wedding gift for his sister.
I guess he felt sure enough and okay to take that.
He also took $700 to pay off my visa...wonder if that will ever happen seeing as I already gave him the money for that once before (now totalling $1400).
However, I also want to maintain my patience because he has ALL my things.
Including my most important clinical notes and textbooks and clinical tools.
All my expensive clothes, purses (LV & Burberry), jewellery and shoes.
I would like to get that back.
I wonder who will pay for shipping.
I am just so upset...and have a knot in my stomach to see what the ILawyer says.
I wonder what PH will say to the ILawyer...I changed my mind about my wife?
So I wonder what the repercussions are?
Will I be allowed to travel there at all?
This is extremely difficult for me.
And really for him ...0 issues/problems/repercussions.
Which is extremely frustrating.
It has been so very easy for him and so difficult for me.
But I have willingly bared the burden because in the end I thought it was worth it.
I thought he was worth it.
So...I guess "his" nickname will become PH (because he is a pseudo-husband).
No husband would only acknowledge a birthday with a phone call alone.
And then send WAY mixed messages by saying "I wish I could be there...it would make things a lot easier".
Anyway I'm worried and full of anxiety.
Today PH is going to the ILawyer.
Because we have already filed our paperwork months ago because I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Now he wants to undo it.
Too bad I already spend $3600 in lawyer's fees because I didn't want to burden him with that.
Now it is a total waste of money.
And I'm SURE he won't offer to help with any of that.
OR any of the wedding deposits.
Or really anything at all.
When he came in October I gave him $200 for a wedding gift for his sister.
I guess he felt sure enough and okay to take that.
He also took $700 to pay off my visa...wonder if that will ever happen seeing as I already gave him the money for that once before (now totalling $1400).
However, I also want to maintain my patience because he has ALL my things.
Including my most important clinical notes and textbooks and clinical tools.
All my expensive clothes, purses (LV & Burberry), jewellery and shoes.
I would like to get that back.
I wonder who will pay for shipping.
I am just so upset...and have a knot in my stomach to see what the ILawyer says.
I wonder what PH will say to the ILawyer...I changed my mind about my wife?
So I wonder what the repercussions are?
Will I be allowed to travel there at all?
This is extremely difficult for me.
And really for him ...0 issues/problems/repercussions.
Which is extremely frustrating.
It has been so very easy for him and so difficult for me.
But I have willingly bared the burden because in the end I thought it was worth it.
I thought he was worth it.
Chapter X-2: Day 3
December 2nd, 2010
It still hurts just as bad.
The worst right now is when I first wake up in the morning and then it all comes flooding into my mind.
My pseudo-husband has decided "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be married to you."
Feels like the biggest slap in the face.
Feels like obviously the problem is ME.
I wish I could do anything to change that.
I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I wish I just didn't wake up...because it is like ice cold reality check every morning.
Then I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do.
Figure out how to undo it all.
This is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.
I feel like I have lost everything.
And it's making me doubt EVERYthing.
Like my career, myself, my worth, etc.
I feel like I can't take any steps by myself.
But I am carried through.
Kind of like that "Footsteps" poem.
When I look back there are only one set but it is because my friends are carrying me through on their backs.
Good thing they are the strongest, smartest and most beautiful people in the whole world.
They will definitely come up later (A., B., Eva, J., L., S., Taylor.,M., & India)
is all you need to know for now.
Thank god for them.
I go on because of them.
For now that is enough.
xoxo
Teagan B. Sawyer
It still hurts just as bad.
The worst right now is when I first wake up in the morning and then it all comes flooding into my mind.
My pseudo-husband has decided "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be married to you."
Feels like the biggest slap in the face.
Feels like obviously the problem is ME.
I wish I could do anything to change that.
I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I wish I just didn't wake up...because it is like ice cold reality check every morning.
Then I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do.
Figure out how to undo it all.
This is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.
I feel like I have lost everything.
And it's making me doubt EVERYthing.
Like my career, myself, my worth, etc.
I feel like I can't take any steps by myself.
But I am carried through.
Kind of like that "Footsteps" poem.
When I look back there are only one set but it is because my friends are carrying me through on their backs.
Good thing they are the strongest, smartest and most beautiful people in the whole world.
They will definitely come up later (A., B., Eva, J., L., S., Taylor.,M., & India)
is all you need to know for now.
Thank god for them.
I go on because of them.
For now that is enough.
xoxo
Teagan B. Sawyer
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