It was so overwhelming in so many aspects.
I am absolutely beat but I thought I would take the time to try and stay up just another half hour.
So this morning was the first time I was officially in the downtown location.
So I drove to the train station.
And tried to figure out how to buy a ticket.
Success!
And yes if you look closely it is stamped with 6:55am time...ugghhhh to early!
I have some creapy thumb wrinkles going on/streaky $15 manicure going on.
Except when I closer read the ticket? What?! Cancel to validate?
Very confused.
First thing that sort of went wrong is the train was delayed by 45 minutes.
Stressful.
Then I got downtown and didn't know where I was going at all.
Thank you iPhone for gps guidance...which guided me right by MM's place of employment.
I didn't seem him but could feel my cheeks instantly pink up.
I finally made it into my work...an hour late.
Not so awesome I hate being late.
Had a crazy day geting organized there.
I had only signed into my personal email to get a file to save onto my work computer.
And in the 3 minutes it took...
A gmail chat icon pops up from MM.
Saying this...
Hey Teagan, I believe I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for my abrupt disappearance. You are an amazing person, but I do not believe we are right for one another. I think our personalities are too diffferent and will therefore cause problems in the long run. I hope you are doing well, you are enjoying working in Toronto and best of luck, because I know you will do amazing!
W.T.F.
Ummm yes you owe me an apology.
Zero explanation of his abrupt disappearence (spelled correctly now).
He thinks I'm amazing...but not THAT amazing.
Our personalities are too different...hmmmmm that very likely means he knew about Spencer which means he actually thinks...you are way too damaged and complicated for anyone to like despite your awesomeness.
And seriously gmail chat breakup?!
Wow that is a first for me.
I felt the blood rush to my cheeks because I just felt so humiliated.
Hmmm maybe thats not it at all.
Maybe he found my blog?
I've been paranoid after hearing some of my friends have the same kind of issue with blogs.
It honestly sort of made my day worse.
Not so much because of MM.
In all reality no tears will be spilled over him.
It isn't about MM.
It is about me.
I'm frustrated because I'm worried this will always be the "deal breaker" or that I'm just a deal breaker.
Rejection sucks no matter the form (but especially stings in a callous manner such as a gmail chat).
So did you know that one of Confucius main teachings was the Golden Rule "what you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others"...yea what he said MM.
Anywho by the time I was set to go home...I had a massive headache and was exhausted.
I came here and watched the season finale of the Bachelorette (totally identify way too much with Ashley)...I see the same insecurities of wanting love so darn bad (and I mean that in the nicest possible way).
So I figured out how to take the subway to the train.
Did I forget to mention the walk this morning took 40 minutes???
Well the subway took 9 minutes.
I'm learning slowly.
And I kicked myself for saving that movie for when MM got back from his New York trip as he had requested.
What a waste.
I'm hoping to go see it with Quinn next week instead.
Puzzled over the cancelation thing again.
Look at these signs???
It had me totally confused.
How do you "cancel ride" something to validate it?
And found a seat on the train and just thought.
And thought.
And thought.
And couldn't come up with any logical conclusion to where I am today.
I finally got off the train and headed to my car.
Took a glance back at the double and a half decker train.
How is this my real life?
It seems so...lost.
Not quite the bright shinny happy one I thought I was getting moving to Toronto.
I want to figure it out.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to feel like it is home.
Somehow.
Soon.
Oh, if you could have only heard the stream of obscenities that came out of my mouth when I read what MM wrote to you. WHAT A COWARD. It is not you, darling. It is totally, totally him. Because if it there was something wrong with you? He wouldn’t have had to hide via gchat. Seriously. I believe that.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I think that you’re handing this move with a lot of grace and I know that there’s a lot going on and you feel lost but, honestly, you are awesome and strong and brave and you can do all of this. And you can do it all well.
I’m cheering for you, kiddo! Email if you need to talk! xoxox
I am so glad I'm not the only one to be so fuming mad. He is totally a coward...who does THAT?! Thanks that makes me feel better that it isn't just all me (which seems to be a common denominator and freaks me right out).
ReplyDeleteLove your comments...and I will definitely have to take you up on email soon. I gain a ton of inspiration from your blog posts. xo