Breathe

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable" (The Wizard of Oz).

I feel behind.
Like I need to somehow catch up to everything even though I did post less than a week ago.
Maybe I'm just being overdramatic (sort of my style right?!)

I want to write about (but will instead bullet point it and give myself only the option to expand if I feel like it):

• my Sunday day date with MrAccountant
• my Thursday night date with MrAccountant
• how I then left the date for another "business" evening aka club opening with bottle service with the boys at the new hottest club downtown (that I dodged advances and watched inappropriate things go down)
• how I came home to see my wedding dress hanging in my parent's office...just when I was able to forget it was hanging there
• my intent to document our family traditional Christmas to try and appreciate it more (I'll save you the guess I didn't because...)
• The Christmas Eve dinner turned into an ever escalating argument.
• The Christmas Eve tradition of opening all our presents at midnight turning into a huge family blow out where words like this were tossed out...that I can't even bring myself to write down...that I'm struggling with that ..it took the breath and words from me...that all I could do was blink and stare...that led to even my brother calling a cab and leaving...and the heartbreaking awkwardness that followed.
• The uncertainty I have felt in my heart about the future of my family that brings back a scary heavy  dull ache that I haven't felt in a year creeping back in.
• the need to write it down because it is the first sign of a crack...one that might turn into a life changing crack...the feeling of something maybe happening and having no ability to change it...it's not mine to change.
• mistakenly coming across pictures of the last weekend with Spencer...and it's not that I miss him...I don't at all...but why do I just see pure joy and happiness on my face and in my eyes that is mysteriously absent in all pictures since.
• having a discussion yesterday with my mum about Spencer...and the pure foolishness of all my decisions...and the feeling of regret and wistfully wishing I could change the past...that I could somehow unravel this mistake...
• the uncertainty about my career that just keeps popping up in my head like an unrelenting song and I quickly trying to submerse these feelings...of wanting something different of pursuing something entirely different.
• pangs of wanting love ...real love...but also the kind you see on CW drama shows..and the hope that it does exist and it is out there for me.
• I was supposed to drive back to the TDot tonight...instead I stayed at my parents place (they've left for Florida) so I can get an early start tomorrow instead of driving in the dark tonight.
• because of this the quiet stillness of a big house...a house that feels like home that may or may not be around for all that much longer...
• selfish because I still have dreams of bridal showers, and getting ready photos in THIS house and it being so not likely as in not likely to happen at all and if it does then it being so far away that it is completely laughable so why am I thinking about it???
• hate to be cliche but is this what everyone talks about when they say the holiday season is the worst for suicides???  Maybe because it is such a reflective time of the year...like how sometimes things change but stay the exact same.
• this may officially be the most random post of all time...but strangely enough I think I feel better than last year...I think...
• sometimes I have to just remind myself to breathe...