Always the street student...

I think I'm always learning.

Though I would rather be book learning then street learning.

I am book smart and I rather agree with the fact that thing are fun when you are good at them.

I'm good at being a nerdy book student.

If I won the lottery tomorrow I would totally enrol in more school...like probably forever.

When it comes to the streets...I suck.

I can't seem to master things of street smarts.

I still hold to impossibly optimist hopefulness of every single person.

What do you mean everyone doesn't always do the right thing?

People aren't nice and the world should be fair right???

I suck at street smarts.

Which is why I think I suck so much with boys.

Which is why even though I don't want to be like this.

I have to be honest and say that my happiness is influenced by boys.

If I'm with one everything is better.

The sun is sunshinyer and everything.

I don't want to be like this.

And it is such a weird force for me.

Because its not like I don't have other things going on in my life.

I have a good career, amazing AMAZING girlfriends, and I do things to grow myself (like yoga etc).

I don't feel like I let a boy suck my life out of me and become dependent on him.

But if I'm being honest I kind of do.

I just think the world is better when you have someone to share it with.

Let's face it I feel better when I'm in a relationship (or on the way into it).

Why all this revelation?  I'm not quite sure.

I do know that today I was in Toronto doing orientation

(which was intimidating and awesome all at the same time).

And when it was done I hopefully looked at my phone to see if MM had messaged or anything (since he hadn't since we had that random messaging yesterday about talking on the phone but yea that did not happen).

So I broke down and messaged him something cool like "hey".

And we chatted a bit back and forth.

I mainly wanted to let him know I was in the area in case for some reason he may want to meet up.

He let me know he was on his way to the airport to go to NYC with a "buddy".

I mustered up my positive personality and said something like "cool that sounds like fun".

He let me know that we could talk when he got back...why does that sound so freaking ominous?

Then he let me know he would be getting back Friday.

So I'm going to be all flustered until then for a conversation that may or more likely may not happen.

For that gnawing feeling in my gutts to stop bothering me so much.

Feeling like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It is not an entirely unfamiliar feeling it also happened back in October/November last year.

The waiting.

And I can tell I'm bummed.

Which is weird because these last couple of weeks I've been happy and giddy and excited.

And it is because of MM.

Maybe I'm not ready to date.

I wish my happiness was not dependent on someone else.

And I don't know how to explain it because I recognize this but I don't know how not to be like this.

Maybe it's because I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing.

And in the spirit of being honest with myself.
Today for the first time in weeks...
I felt a twinge of pull to respond to Jacob's (still daily) message.
I didn't...yet.
Ughhh why am I adding a "yet".
And I'm so mad at myself that I feel that twinge.
Guess I have more life lessons to learn in the streets.

How annoying.

 
Pic from here