Pretending

Pic from here

Today is the day.
Wedding day in my home town.
Not mine (OBVIOUSLY).
But the person that I mentioned in this post back here...where I'd mention I'd like to punch her in the face...it's her wedding today.

Like I was already not filled with dread about having to go to this event.
But talking to my mother...who is aghast that I didn't have an appointment to get my nails and hair done.
(I will be doing my own)...also that I neglected to get a new dress.
Which has me second guessing that decision...but it's too late now at 9:53am sitting here sipping tea on my couch willing myself to get ready....maybe I should have made those appointments...ugh.

At least I'm bring B as my date.
He is so funny and goofy and nice and social.
Maybe on our 2.5 hour drive to my home town I will tell him all about Spencer.
Maybe then he will understand how messed up I am.

I thought at least I would have the deflection of my brother's new girlfriend.
Whom I was informed had fake breasts and a child.
But my mum and dad met her last week and love her.
I'm not saying that those who have fake breast and a child aren't really amazing at all...ughhh I don't know what I'm saying.
She is beautiful.
It's that horrendous anxiety creeping up.
They likely will get married and again I will be that person who "almost" got married to my entire large Portuguese family...the old spinster sister.

That's probably why I'm so stressed about tonight.
The dread and feeling of the stares.
The looks of pity that always fall my way.
This is the first family wedding I've attended since my engagement party.
And I'm just stressed.

I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach.
Waiting for the smart ass acidic comments that tend to roll so easily out of my family's mouths.
The ones that range from dripping with sarcasm of "are you taking notes" (remember that at this event?)
To the ones of ...well MAYBE one day it will happen for you (emphasis on the maybe).

Part of it is my own insecurity.
The looks of wonder...like obviously there was something so wrong with me that is why Spencer left me the way that he did.
And I will forever be alone.

Part of it is just good old fashioned dread.
I'm so not looking forward to tonight...in fact I feel kind of terrified.
But I'll slap on a smile and pretend like everything is great.
That's how I roll.
Fake it 'till you make it.
Reminding myself to breathe and not cry.
That is pretty much the two thoughts that will be going through my head tonight.
Breathe...don't cry...smile...breathe...don't cry...smile...