Teagan in the T.Dot.O.: Say Something?

I wanted to write things in chronological order...
but there is something to be said of just getting something off your chest (hello why I blog).
So here it the jumbled up feelings I've been feeling and what went down this weekend...

Sidenote:

PS I feel guilty

because I value my friendships

and am so so darn appreciative of my girl friends

so the order of posting

is definitely not to be misconstrued of order of importance

...so here we go...

Friday night after dinner Will and I headed out for a drink.
It's the little things that stick in my head about our conversations.
The way we can just talk and laugh.
He makes me feel comfortable.
Maybe its the years of sitting beside each other in class.

Pic from here.

I got worried though.
The painful way he told me he might get back together with his ex.
The one that treated him so terribly.
The one that broke up with him and a few weeks later told him she didn't regret it one bit.
Will's mother cried on Saturday at the tailgate telling another girl (Will's best friend's wife) about how poorly Will's ex treated him.

Laughing in the bar as he admired the bar sluts.
Us running into a girl he had made out with before she got fat. (his words).
Yet another girl of the list of many he has fooled around with.
Can't really blame him...he's an attractive guy.

Will explained to me how sad he was when the break up happened earlier this year (end of spring beginning of summer).
And how he basically listened to music to try and get through it (like I do).
I'll never forget the way that Will looked at me while he was driving when he told me he liked this song he wanted to play me. Taylor Swift's we are never ever getting back together.

How I took a picture of it and him flipping me off but then we listed to it...twice.

I snapped a picture for evidence!

The ache I felt in my chest that he might he get back together with her.
And telling him "I will back you up 100% whatever your decision" because I'm worried his family and friends will freak and I want him to have someone to talk to.

Me, clumsily explaining to him that I can identify (ummm hello Jacob!...and Will knows all of this).
I said something along the lines of "you know all you can hope for is someone to like you for you light and also your dark...I think for me that's what I hope for...someone who like the obvious things that everyone likes about me but someone who finds my faults okay too...someone that thinks I'm basically a beautiful mess"...

Then he tried to convince me that his situation is much different than Jacob and mine's.
Which stung a little...granted there is truth...they've been broken up 2-3 months not four years.
I then made a stupid joke that lay flat in the air
"if people dated based on compatibility than you and I would be having the "isn't it weird that we were never both single at the same time until now" conversation".

Will's is an attractive guy but I brushed off as not my type for these last years.
When we got to his place we settled into his L shaped couch watching The League.
Our heads side by side but with our feet pointing away from one another.
There was quite a few times Friday I thought...wow he is really attractive (a brand new revelation on my part). But I pushed it from my mind.

Then Saturday happened.
His best friend's wife asked if anything had ever happened between us two.
I told her no...but then blushed.
She caught it.

His best friend and his wife inviting us to head there instead of Will's place.
I think they saw some of the chemistry that seemed to be happening. (Of course maybe that was all in my head). I think they wanted to give us the option of hanging out not in the living next to his parents.
I also could be way misinterpreting everything.

(L-r) GINNIFER GOODWIN as Rachel and COLIN EGGLESFIELD as Dex in Alcon Entertainment's romantic come...

Pic from here.

Getting home to his place and trying to be quiet.
Yet also deciding that it was a great idea to keep drinking.
As we changed into our pajamas (him in his underwear as per usual, and me in my shorts/tank non sexy combo) I totally spilled a drink down my tanktop (classy).

The drinking haze does get a little cloudy at this point...
This time though we were sitting rather close.
Then his arm was around me.
Then we were lying down.
Then his hand was rubbing my arm.
And he said "you know there was always something there between us"...
And we kissed.
And kissed.
And kissed.
And oh my goodness he is an AMAZING kisser.

Then I made thing awkward as I usually do.
Making a stupid very non sexy comment about how it had been awhile since I had been with someone (even though it really hadn't...I was actually trying to say it had been awhile since I had been with someone I really cared about...but drunkenly it didn't come out right).
He mumbled something about not having any...you know.
I think I said something along the lines of you're killing me!

Then I said something along the lines of...yea probably a good idea because I'm a girl and doing that kind of stuff makes me sort of attached.
I think at this point he likely realized doing just a whole just friends with benefits thing was unlikely.
So I made a complete fool of myself.
And probably made him feel very uncomfortable

Another way I made a fool of myself.
I'm pretty sure at some point I stopped us making out to put on cuter panties.
Because clearly the cotton boy cut weren't as nice as the lacey thong I had in my suitcase.
And clearly telling him that much.
Seriously. Drunk.

So we fell asleep me against him curled into his side.
At some point around 7ish I remember hearing one of his parents stir.
He made the excuse "ughh I'm hot and sweaty" and hoped back into our usual L shaped sleeping position.

Waking up super hung over with his parents up and at 'em.
Like I will say in my weekend recap post we had breakfast with the parents.
Then his mom, me and him went to look at a new mattress for him.

Pic from here.

Later we chilled at his house watching more episodes of The League as I tried not to vomit.
He got me pretzels and water.
And we avoided any type of conversation alluding to a few hours before.

And I got ready to meet my newest friend in Ann Arbor.
He helped me pack up my car.
Gave me a big hug and talked about rounding up everyone for a trip to Toronto.

And I thought to myself I have to say something...so I said "um so like are we good?"
He said "yea...as long as you don't make it awkward".
I awkwardly said..."k" (not meaning ok at ALL).
He half yelled and teased "STOP making it awkward...you're making it AWKWARD".
I laughed (and felt silly at the same time).
He told me to message him when I got in.

Then I proceeded to day dream the whole long drive home.
As I came to the sinking realization...I think I like him.
And...I don't think he likes me beyond friendship one bit.
Crap.

This is our message back and forth.
Totally platonic.
He was clearly passed out by the time I messaged him so he responded in the morning and well...I feel silly.

What floors me is that it was so unexpected.
Everything about this weekend surprised me.
Probably the most surprising thing.
I think I like LIKE Will.

This kind of things has never ever ever happened with us.
We've always been buddies...best friends....we've never crossed that line.
I'm embarrased because I'm pretty sure I made it as awkward as possible.

So I guess that means I better get busy dating other people and moving on.
After all it's better than having to SAY SOMETHING